‘I made him. I’m glad he did,’ said Fitz. ‘It made me realise what an absolute idiot I’d been.’
‘You went to France on a mission?’ asked Sam, as if he couldn’t quite believe it.
‘Yes. And as you can see, I came back.’
‘I had no idea.’
‘That’s the way it’s supposed to work,’ said Fitz. ‘Need-to-know and all that.’
Sam studied her and she was grateful her bruising had all but gone. She’d also applied more face powder than she normally would. Sam didn’t need to know what had happened to her, not yet anyway. In time, she hoped she would get the chance to tell him, but this wasn’t about France. This was about her and Sam. Their future.
‘All the time I was in France, you were on my mind,’ she said. ‘I couldn’t stop thinking about how stupid I had been. When I returned to England, I got your letter from Bob. He had been looking after it for me.’
‘You should rip it up. It doesn’t mean anything now,’ said Sam, bitterly.
‘You’re wrong,’ replied Fitz. ‘It means everything. I said just now that I had been an idiot. Do you want to know why?’
‘Even if I say no, I get the feeling you’re still gonna tell me.’
‘Too bloody right I am,’ said Fitz. ‘And you’d better make sure you listen because if you don’t, I’m simply going to keep repeating myself.’
Sam shook his head. She didn’t miss the corners of his mouth tipping a fraction in amusement. Then he held up his hands in a get on with it, I’m waiting, gesture. ‘If you must,’ he said.
‘You remember when I last saw you it was at Tangmere, right after that attack?’
‘Like I would forget,’ said Sam.
She didn’t care that he was being snippy, he had every right to still be angry with her. ‘You told me that our conversation wasn’t over,’ continued Fitz. ‘So I’m here to continue it.’
‘Is there a point to all this?’ said Sam, looking at his watch. ‘You know, I’m a busy man.’
He really was in a bad mood. Fitz wasn’t put off, in fact, she relished the challenge. ‘Have it your way,’ she said. ‘And listen up, Flying Officer Sam Carter.’ She edged forward in her seat so she could lower her voice, aware that they were drawing quite a lot of attention. ‘Ever since my mother died, I’ve wanted control. You know that, we’ve spoken about it before. I wanted control because with that came security. I needed to be in control of everything, what I did and what I felt.’ She paused to catch her breath and forced herself to slow down. ‘When you came along, you turned everything upside down. I loved being with you. When I wasn’t with you, you were constantly on my mind. My first thought in the morning and my last thought at night.’
His face softened a little and he looked at her. ‘It was the same for me. You don’t have to explain it.’
‘I had never felt like that about anyone before,’ said Fitz, sensing she was making headway. ‘I didn’t know it was possible to feel that way. But that frightened me. Instead of embracing it, I shied away from it. Tried to deny it, even to myself. If I didn’t acknowledge it, then it couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t be losing control …’ She paused again, as her words caught in her throat. She had to get out everything she wanted to say before she started crying. ‘I … I didn’t want to call it what it was.’
Sam studied her face, as if trying to work something out. ‘What was it?’
‘Love,’ replied Fitz. ‘It was pure unadulterated love for you. And it terrified me.’ She brushed away a tear that had managed to escape her eye. ‘I was deeply in love with you and I ran, Sam. I ran from it because I was scared.’ More tears breached the rim of her eyes. ‘It was the biggest mistake of my life. It wasn’t until I heard you were MIA that it hit me. That I had lost you and had never told you how I felt.’
She saw him move his hand as if he was going to reach out to her, but he stopped and curled his fingers around the edge of the mattress instead. ‘You still haven’t told me,’ he said.
‘I loved you, Sam. With all my heart. You were the best thing that had ever happened to me and I had pushed you away. I cannot tell you how sorry I am.’
The silence was thick and heavy between them. Fitz fumbled for a tissue from her pocket and wiped her face, sure she was smudging all her make-up, but she was beyond caring at this point.
Sam looked expectantly at her. ‘Is that it? You came all this way to tell me that you loved me once and you’re sorry you never told me? Well, sweetheart, that makes me feel a whole lot better.’
‘Don’t be so facetious,’ said Fitz. ‘I loved you then and I love you now. I will never stop loving you, Sam. Never. And I am never going to walk away from you again.’ When he didn’t say anything, she repeated her declaration. ‘Did you hear me? I love you.’
‘You should go,’ said Sam.
‘I should do nothing of the sort,’ retorted Fitz. ‘You love me. I know you do. I can see it in your eyes, and it is written all over your face. I can feel that love, even though you’re pretending you hate me right now, I know you don’t.’
She held her breath, as she waited for him to reply.
‘It’s not a case of not loving you,’ he said at last. ‘I loved you, right from the word go, but I have nothing to offer you now. I’ve nothing to give. I can’t do anything.’
