It was how she felt: insubstantial. She’d lost her way, made bad decisions based on lies and deception. Was that all she was worth?
‘Hello?’ a familiar voice said softly. ‘Lucy?’ Caroline took a seat beside her. ‘We’ve been looking for you. You weren’t at dinner, and we wondered where you were.’
Staring ahead, Lucy said nothing.
After a pause, Caroline went on. ‘I’m sorry about what happened with Richard.’
Again, Lucy said nothing.
A group of birds swept out of a tree and circled the playground below them, their soaring wings perfectly synchronized, as if nothing could set them off course.
Unlike Lucy. She’d gone so far off course, she didn’t know if she’d ever be able to go back.
Caroline reached an arm across her shoulders. ‘I’m sure everything will be fine once it settles down.’
‘No, it won’t.’ Lucy pulled away. ‘I lost my job, and I don’t know how to begin getting another one. There’s nothing at home for me, back in Cornwall. Mum’s only interested in her new family, her new husband. She hates the sight of me.’ She sighed from the exhaustion of it all. ‘I can’t even make my name as a singer. I was never that good after all.’
‘Why don’t you stay here with us? We can help you get a job and—’
‘Do you know what the real problem is?’ Lucy interrupted, glaring at Caroline. ‘The problem is that my mum’s right. I am stupid and naïve, and now I’ve degraded and humiliated myself, too.’ Inside, she felt drained, hopeless. ‘I wouldn’t want me, so I don’t know why anyone else should.’
She was expecting Caroline to try to pretend everything was fine, but instead, Caroline pointed to the city rooftops in front of them. ‘Do you see all the houses down there? Each one contains individuals, women like you and me, and every one of them has made mistakes at some point, big and small. It’s what they do with those mistakes that makes them into the people they become. Even the queen makes mistakes.’
Lucy looked around. ‘Does she?’
‘She’s surrounded by people telling her what to do: her private secretary, her mother, her husband. She can’t keep everyone happy, and sometimes she’s bound to feel that she should have done things differently.’
‘What does the queen do when she makes a mistake?’
‘She doesn’t wallow in it. If she did that, she’d never get anywhere, would she? No, she tries to learn from it. If you take stock, see where you went wrong, you can move forward. Mistakes are often what make us braver and all the more resourceful.’
‘That sounds hard.’
‘It’s something I should have done years ago,’ Caroline said, half to herself. ‘It seemed easier to try to make everything look all right on thesurface, when I should have had the guts to accept what had happened and forge ahead in my own way.’
Only a few weeks ago, Lucy had looked at Caroline with scorn and pity, but now she saw how brave she’d had to be. ‘You were right when you said Richard was using me. He said you were jealous and old-fashioned, but now I can see that every line he said was used to coerce me into doing what he wanted.’
Someone was heading up the grassy hill towards them – Miranda. As she recognized them, she hastened her stride. Out of breath, she slumped down on the other side of Lucy. ‘Thank goodness we found you!’
Gazing up at her, Lucy bit her lip. ‘I thought you’d hate me!’ She put her face into her hands. ‘I hate myself, so why shouldn’t everyone else?’
Briskly, Miranda peeled her hands away so that she could look at her. ‘Promise me never to say that again, Lucy. That man took advantage of you. He’s the one we should hate. You were innocent and susceptible, neither of which are hateful.’ Stonily, Miranda added, ‘I hope Richard’s wife isn’t sacrificing everything for him. According to Sinclair, he’s involved in all kinds of deals. One of the waitresses at Wheelers is his full-time mistress.’
Lucy bit her lip to stop from crying. ‘I tried to be the woman I thought he wanted, but he didn’t even want that, did he? Why is it never good enough to be just myself?’
Caroline sighed. ‘Everyone wants us women to be perfect these days. We have to be ideal wives, good wage earners and sex objects for men, but what about the characterful, carefree girls we were? We need freedom, not all these expectations. Lucy, don’t let this moment define who you are – it’s one small, unfortunate incident. Hold on to your dreams and know that you don’t need a well-to-do man or to be on a great stage to be happy. Your audience could be just us, at home, enjoying each other’s company. Life isn’t always about big events. It’s about the meaningful everyday moments, too.’
‘Look who’s coming!’ Miranda pointed to the path.
There, slowly making her way to them, was Betty. They shuffled up to make room for her beside Lucy.
‘There you all are!’ she said, puffing. ‘I have some good news, and after I’ve caught my breath we’ll have to get home. I managed to convince the head housekeeper that letting go of a valuable wardrobe assistant wasn’t useful at such a busy time, so you have your job back, Lucy.’
‘There,’ Caroline said. ‘You see, it’s not a complete disaster. Now, come on, let’s go home and have dinner, shall we?’
As they trudged down the hill, Lucy felt a weight lifting from her shoulders. ‘But what about Richard? Won’t he make sure I’m sacked?’
Miranda laughed. ‘Not if he has any sense.’
