Registering the change in her voice, the queen turned to her, a commiserating smile on her face. ‘Sometimes escape seems the easiest thing to do, but sooner or later, we must face our real lives, our duties.’
At these words, the queen’s smile faded, and her eyes fell. For all the world, Caroline hadn’t imagined the sheer toll it must take on this young woman to take on the crown, to live up to the expectations of therole. While keeping the politicians and advisors happy, she had to keep her family united. But not only that, the pressure was on her to show she was up to the task. To maintain the strength of the monarchy, she needed to be resilient, stable and dutiful.
She couldn’t put a foot wrong.
As if realizing herself, the queen donned her usual smile. ‘But we must rise to the task, mustn’t we?’
‘Yes, Ma’am,’ Caroline said, taking out the queen’s jacket. ‘But sometimes, isn’t it nice to dream of a different path, step into different shoes?’
The queen laughed quietly. ‘Sometimes I think I’d make a very fine countrywoman, a field full of horses and a houseful of dogs, time to spend with my children.’ She buttoned the jacket herself. ‘It’s funny, isn’t it? People think it must be wonderful to live in a great palace, to have everything you want, but sometimes it feels like a giant goldfish bowl, always on show, people watching and judging one’s every move.’
After just a moment’s pause, she laughed again, as if trying to take the edge off it, and Caroline felt the transference of grief from one woman to the other, for the lives they could have lived, the people they could have been.
And what about Caroline herself? Hadn’t she, too, risen to take on her new job only to see it was yet another trap, holding her in check, unable to live and breathe?
As she went back into the wardrobe to collect the queen’s gloves, she found herself clutching the soft leather, suddenly yearning to be free.
A warm presence nuzzled against her leg, and there was the old corgi.
Smiling, Caroline bent down to rub her head. ‘Wouldn’t it be wonderful to stay here a few more days, fishing on the lake or cantering through the hills,’ she whispered to the dog.
But the dog’s eyes only gazed at her. The old corgi had no need for freedom, after all. She had what she wanted right here, to be with the queen.
And as Caroline stood back up, she understood. Happiness isn’tabout being somewhere or doing something. It’s about being with the people you love.
THE TRAIN FROM BALMORALto London was interminable. At every station, Caroline had to stop herself from leaping off the train and finding the next one to carry her back. Balmoral had got into her blood, the beauty of it, the vastness of the space, and the man who loved her so much that he had let her go.
There was no other choice, after all.
She had to go back to her husband. Yet now, even though she’d been living this London life for decades, it suddenly felt flimsy and uncertain, as impermanent as a shack on a floodplain, just waiting for the tide to rise.
Only Annabel kept her moored to reality, and she murmured to herself, ‘Wherever my daughter is, that is my home.’
It was evening by the time the train pulled into London, and even later when she finally rose from the Underground station back into the chaos of Camden. The wind had picked up, and she clutched her coat around her as she trudged home. Annabel would be staying with Betty for tonight, so she only had to tend to Frank before unpacking and going to bed.
But as she thought of being alone with him in that musty house, she found herself making a detour to Betty’s house, knocking on the door, just to say hello to her friends and Annabel – the people who were more family to her than anyone.
‘Caroline?’ It was Miranda, flour on her hands as she opened her arms to welcome her. ‘Quick, come on in. We’ve just made a fresh batch of pancakes – the American way! Annabel’s delighted!’ Then she added as an aside, ‘I’m warning you, I think they might be her new favourite.’
In the kitchen, Betty stood beside Annabel at the stove, the smell at once heavenly and slightly singed.
‘As usual, my daughter’s made herself at home,’ Caroline joked, as Annabel spun around and flung her arms around her. ‘Mum!’
Betty came over to join them. ‘Did you have a wonderful time?’
Caroline’s eyes met the older woman’s. ‘It was more beautiful than I can ever explain, with the mountains, the castle, so much to do and see.’
Annabel pulled away from her excitedly. ‘Was the queen enjoying herself, too?’
‘Of course she was! Now I know why it’s her favourite home. It’s so quiet and informal compared to the palace. There aren’t so many servants, and the royals are more relaxed, friendlier.’ She grabbed her daughter and danced her around. ‘There were cèilidhs and pipers, walking and riding. Just this morning Her Majesty was fishing, can you believe it? A queen catching her own dinner!’
They laughed as Caroline described the place, the evening she’d had in the town, the walk on the mountains.
Annabel piped up, ‘Did you see Angus? Did he take you horse riding?’
‘Well, I saw him, but we didn’t have time for riding.’ She smiled, wondering if her daughter would ever see her real father again. Would Caroline ever build up the courage to defy Frank and tell Annabel about them? Perhaps when the girl was older, Frank would mellow.
And suddenly Caroline felt a longing for some drastic outside force to change her life, an earthquake, wind or fire to overturn the world. Maybe in the aftermath, they could escape and find Angus.
