Downstairs, she padded into the living room wearing the oversized tartan dressing gown. The dogs were lying on a rug in front of the fire, the flickering flames sending a golden hue across the room. A soft beige sofa and various side tables made the place feel cosy and warm. A bookcase beside the fire was filled with titles such asAn A–Z of Horse Health, Highland BirdsandThe Habitats of Deer.
An armchair had been pulled up to the fire, and she sat down, Peggy settling beside her as she absorbed the peaceful charm of the place.
Humming came from the kitchen, as well as an aroma of something cooking, and presently Angus came in bearing a tray. ‘I heated up some Scotch broth.’ He set two steaming bowls onto a side table and pulled it up beside her. ‘It’s lamb with plenty of potatoes and vegetables. You look as though you could do with some good hearty food.’
A small, self-conscious laugh escaped her. ‘I don’t have much time to think about eating – too busy with work and preparing meals for other people.’ She heaved a sigh. ‘I cook more food than I eat, with all my rushing around.’
‘Do you have to work such long hours?’ He hung her wet clothes over the mesh fire guard, then sat down on the sofa opposite her. ‘It sounds as though you never have time to relax.’
She looked into the flames, blue and amber from a white-hot log. ‘Frank needs the money because of his new business, and I have to wash and mend secondhand clothes, too.’
A frown came over Angus’s face. ‘So you have to work even harder, to help his business?’
‘It’s not like that,’ she said quickly, guilty for her disloyalty to Frank. ‘After all he’s done for me, I owe it to him.’
‘But aren’t you—’ he began, but she cut him off.
‘When I was at my lowest point, Frank picked me up. Now it’s my turn to do the same for him. It makes me feel better for all the mistakes I made, rebalances it somehow.’ Almost dejectedly, she repeated Frank’s mantra: ‘It’s what marriage is about.’
He looked at her, concerned. ‘If you and I had married, it would have been about building a life together, about friendship, not what one of us owes the other.’
He got up as if to go to her, but then, thinking better of it, went to the window. ‘Do you know how hard it was, coming home after the war, finding out that you’d married Frank? I came up here and threw myself into my job. It was the dogs and horses, the countryside that kept me going, the red deer and the foxes, the hawks in the sky, and the mountains to watch over me.’
Discomfort crept through her as she acknowledged the reality. ‘Work kept me going, too. When I work, I feel in control of something – good at something – that the more hours I do and the more money I make, somehow I’ll be able to earn some kind of reprieve.’ She stopped, knowing she’d gone too far.
‘Reprieve from what? From Frank? Or from us, of what we did together before marriage?’ He frowned, hurt. ‘That was the best moment of my life, Caroline, and for you, it’s reduced to a sin?’
‘Ilovedyou!’ She felt her voice break. ‘But you vanished. You left me when I needed you most.’ She wrung her hands together. ‘We should have waited until we were married. How many times I’ve cursed myself for not marrying you before you went to war.’
‘Weren’t we married in spirit – at least, that’s how I felt about you,’ he said. ‘It’s why it was so painful when I didn’t hear from you. I never knew that your letters hadn’t reached me. Then I came home to discover that you’d married someone else.’ He swallowed and then added in a quieter voice, ‘It broke me.’
Out of the window, she watched the dark mountains, resilient through everything. The red deer didn’t have to worry about marriage, did they? They did what was natural, as she’d done.
‘Why is this world so complicated?’ she murmured, burying her face in her hands.
He sat back down. ‘I would have done anything for you – anything to stop you from marrying someone else. I remembered Frank from the palace. He was always waiting for you, watching you. I even wondered if he was obsessed with you. No wonder he stepped in after I was gone.’ He paused, as if in deliberation, and then asked, ‘Did you ever love him?’
She shook her head. ‘I put love behind me. When I was young, I assumed that I’d have a loving home, but I’ve come to realize that love is a luxury.’
He got up and came over to her. ‘Caroline, I’m begging you, leave him. Come and live here with me.’
And before she knew it, he got down on one knee in front of her, like he had so many years before. Blood rushed to her head, and she held out her hand to stop him, but he carried on.
‘We’re meant to be together, Caroline. Can’t you see that? Annabel is my daughter, my flesh and blood. Are you going to deny me a relationship with her, and her with me? You saw us together, we’re so alike. She likes me, too. And who knows, we might have more children growing up in our happy home.’
He reached to take her hands, but she pulled away.
‘There’s something you should know. Before I came here, Frank warned me that if I left him, he’d keep Annabel. No matter what I want to do, I can’t risk losing her, and what’s more, I can’t leave her alone with that man.’ She clenched her mouth closed to stop herself from crying. ‘I have to put her first.’
‘But,’ he said, unable to take it in, ‘why would Frank want her?’
Suddenly, she felt anger well up inside her, hot and fast. ‘She’s old enough to cook and clean for him – soon he’ll have her washing dead people’s clothes like me, taking over where I left off.’
‘There has to be a way around it. Maybe we can pay him off, find alawyer who can help us – there must be judges out there who will see the situation for what it is.’ His eyes seemed to beg her. ‘Marry me, please!’ He gestured towards the cottage, his arms outstretched as if encapsulating it in his arms. ‘We can work it out, build a home for our family right here.’
She imagined Annabel at the town school, the cottage filled with their belongings, not Frank’s mess, the place alive with songs and laughter – with conversation. She imagined herself with her hands on a bump beneath her clothes, the movement of another being inside her, Angus by her side, as he always should have been.
But life isn’t as simple as that.
