And there, with his back to the bench, was Angus, his face unreadable in the shadows. He switched on a side lamp, the naked amber bulb throwing a dim light over the shadowy plants.
For a moment, he just looked down at her, then he said, ‘Thank you for coming. I wasn’t sure you would...’ He broke off, as if struggling to get back to a prepared speech. ‘I just wanted to know...’ He took a breath. ‘Is your daughter my child?’
Slowly, she nodded.
He swallowed, his eyes meeting hers. ‘You have to tell me what happened after I left.’
Desperate to stay calm, she couldn’t help the catch in her voice. ‘I didn’t know for a while – I didn’t want to believe it. Then I wrote to you.’ Her hurt from so many years ago welled to the surface, as raw as a fresh scab. ‘But you never replied.’
As if she’d hit him, he stumbled back. His eyes glared into hers. ‘You wrote to me?’
‘Yes, a dozen times, more.’
‘But...’ He frowned, confounded. ‘I never received any letters.’ He struggled to keep his composure. ‘I was heartbroken, Caroline. I couldn’t believe you’d forgotten about me so quickly.’
There they both stood, three feet apart, grappling with what the other was saying.
‘But you must have received them,’ she insisted. ‘Or some of them at least. I checked your service number; they assured me the letterswould have been delivered to you. I even went to the Scots Guards to ask if anything had happened to you, but they wouldn’t tell me as I wasn’t your next of kin. I didn’t know your family, and I couldn’t find out anything about you.’ She covered her face with her hands as she began to cry. ‘I thought you were dead, that’s how much I believed in you – it seemed the only explanation. It was only after the war, when I heard you were back in Balmoral, that I couldn’t pretend anymore. I knew that you’d deserted me.’
He took a step toward her, his voice gentle. ‘I never left you, not for a single moment. When I returned, I found out you were married, and I had to stay away, for my own sake.’ He made a strangled cough, trying to pull himself together. ‘It took me years to get over it.’ The muscle in his jaw clenched as he glanced down at her wedding ring. ‘Which is more than it took you.’
Hurt, she clutched onto the bench behind her. ‘I was pregnant, Angus.’ She heard her own voice rising. ‘I was pregnant, and you had vanished.’ Anger came over her, thick and fast. ‘Do you have any idea what it’s like to be unwed and expecting a baby? I was going to be thrown out of my job, my room in the palace. I couldn’t go home – it would be the end of my father’s ministry if his pregnant daughter arrived on his doorstep.’
Angus closed his eyes, whispering through gritted teeth. ‘If only we’d married before I left.’
‘I was at my wit’s end, not knowing what to do, so when Frank asked me to marry him, you can’t blame me for seeing it as a rope being thrown to me – my one single means of survival.’
‘You didn’t want to marry him?’
‘It wasn’t a matter of choice.’ Emotion caught in her throat. ‘I had to marry a man I barely knew to save myself and my child. And where were you?’ Her heart fell as those nights of crying came back to her. ‘Wherewereyou?’
He stopped, his eyes going from her to the ground. ‘At the beginning, I was fighting in northern France, and we were separated from the main body of troops, which I suppose could explain the missing mail. It wasn’t long before Dunkirk – you must have heard all thestories, the heroic rescues by ships coming over the sea. I never saw any of it. My unit was captured before we even reached it.’
‘The Nazis took you prisoner?’
‘I had been injured during the battle, gunshot in my shoulder, and was transported to a series of hospitals and then camps in Poland. I didn’t get out until after the end of the war. I couldn’t wait to see you when I got back, but then I discovered you were married.’ He shook his head. ‘But now that I realize that you had to marry him, it doesn’t bear thinking about.’
‘It was the most difficult decision I’ve ever made, Angus. I had to do what was best for my child – forourchild – even if that meant marrying a man I didn’t love.’
‘You never loved him?’
‘Never. In any case, how could I when I was still in love with someone else.’ Her eyes curved away from his, circling out through the window into the darkness.
‘Can I see her, our daughter?’
He used the word ‘our’ carefully, and hearing it spoken aloud made Caroline flinch. She’d guarded that secret for so long.
‘I-I don’t know,’ she floundered.
Angus’s eyes sparkled with hope in the dim light. ‘I want to take her out for a day, get to know her. I’m only here for another week. I promise I won’t tell her anything about us. You can pretend we’re just old friends from the palace.’
Her insides twisted. ‘Wouldn’t it be easier if you left us alone? We’ve been through enough. Our lives aren’t easy, living with Frank.’
Taking a step towards her, he implored her, ‘This will be the last time I’ll intrude on you, Caroline. It’s unlikely I’ll ever come to London again. But please give me this one chance to spend time with her.’
How she longed for her daughter to meet Angus, a truly good man and one Annabel took after in many ways.
But what about the risks? What if someone saw them?
