I’m not even sure if she hears everything through my tears, but she must catch enough because she hugs me close.
“And she was your friend too, not just his girlfriend?”
I nod miserably. “She’s the only person who’s treated me like she liked me from the moment she met me.” I pull away from Mom’s embrace; as good as it feels to be comforted, I know I don’t deserve it. “And I’m sorry about Goldie too. Honestly, I didn’t even realize that I was hurting her. I will fix it, no matter what it takes, I will.” My throat tries to squeeze shut again. “But I don’t know what to do about Wren and Eryn.”
Mom doesn’t try to hug me again. “I don’t think there’s an easy answer.”
“I feel horrible for hurting her, but I also feel horrible because I don’t feel as horrible as I know I should.”
“Because you like Wren?”
I can’t face the question, so I ask one of my own. “Did you ever like a guy with a girlfriend?”
She nods. “More than once.”
“And did you ever...?”
She stares at me with sympathy on her face. “Lili. I think you are going to have to ask yourself some hard questions here. What do you want after today? Eryn’s friendship, or as much of it as she can give you now? Or Wren? Because I don’t know if it’s possible to have both.”
I genuinely like Eryn and don’t want to lose her friendship. And Wren is... I still don’t know. After today, could he still havefeelings for me? If given the choice, would he choose me over her? Would I want that, knowing what it would mean to Eryn?
Do I even deserve to be chosen?
I feel like crying all over again.
Mom stands up. “It’s hard stuff, making mistakes and then having to deal with the consequences. And this was a big mistake.”
“I know.”
“But I’m telling you now, don’t start running from them, because that is a hard habit to break. Your dad did that, and I have to believe he’d tell you the same thing right now if he could.”
I flinch slightly, not liking the full picture that all my inherited tendencies from him are making. Because the truth is, I know he wasn’t a perfect man. Like with my feelings for Wren, I know there are memories of Dad that I’ve been trying to push away.
Like getting a postcard in the mail when I would have given anything to hear his voice.
Like the fact that he stayed here and never let me visit, no matter how many times I asked.
Like the fact that he died before telling us that he was even sick, forever robbing me of the chance to say goodbye or ask him if I could have done something,anything, to make the last seven years different.
Mom turns to leave, but I call her back.
“I’m like you too, aren’t I? A little?”
She smiles then, warm like sunshine. “I certainly hope so, because I’d love to take at least some of the credit.”
She leaves me then, a mix of regret and hope and fear slumped on her bed, but she’s right about one thing, at least. I’m not going to run.
Right now, a huge part of me wishes I’d never come back to Nantucket. I’d have never met Wren or hurt Eryn, and I’d have never gotten so consumed with finishing Dad’s research into Kezia and would have been there for Goldie without even having to try.
I know I’ll have to find a way to apologize to Eryn even if she can’t forgive me, but I can’t think about Wren anymore right now. Goldie is where I need to start. I still have a chance to do something good before summer ends.
Thirty
Lili
The sun is cresting the rooftops, its golden light brushing the edges of the sky, when I find myself heading back to McCleave’s later that week. Goldie has her face lifted up to the early morning warmth, eyes closed as she pedals without a care in the world.
“So does this mean you forgive me?” I’ve been asking her the same question for days of nonstop sister bonding, and she always gives me the same answer.
