Ididn’t mean to rush at her, but I didn’t have time to check the impulse before I had my arms around her.
“I’m not letting you go,” I said, more than a flicker of the anger I’d decided to abandon surging into my voice. “I only just found you, and I won’t give you up. I don’t care what that means.” I didn’t let go, not even when it took way too long for her arms to come up and hold me back. I’d been so happy since my birthday, both from that night with Jolene and the morning with my family, that I hadn’t for a second considered what that potential happiness would cost me, cost Jolene. If things went the way I wanted them to with my family, these weekends would end, and Jolene and I would... What? Drive out to see each other twice a month in the cars we didn’t have?
The thought of not seeing her, touching her... It hurt. Staggeringly so.
“We’ll figure it out,” I said, drawing back so she’d have to look at me. “You’re still gonna cry at the airport when I go to college, and I’m gonna be there when you win your first Oscar, right?”
Jolene
But I couldn’t give him the answer he wanted, because how could we? Adam was determined enough that I believed he’d find some way for us to still see each other even if he had to bribe Jeremy to bring him to me. He’d leave his newly mended family to spend time with me...and he’d continue to alienate the only brother he had left in the process. He’d give things up so that we could have a taste of the future he wanted for us.
He’d made me want that future, too—the one where we stayed in each other’s lives and that neither of us had voiced; one where there was no Erica 2.0 for him and the only leading man for me was him.
The future where there was only us, together.
The problem was that he’d made me want his happiness more than my own. And his future could be happier without me in it.
ADAM
Everything about her laugh felt wrong. “You’re always so dramatic. So you start spending more time with your dad when you’re here. Honestly, that’s fine with me.” She swept the full length of her hair over one shoulder and started to braid it. “I’m way behind on finishing my application for my film program.”
I’m pretty sure I flinched. “Yeah, but—”
“Once I get in, I’ll be gone in a few months anyway, so you might as well start figuring out some way to survive without me. Hey, cheer up!” She clapped me on the chest, and I felt so shaken that the light pressure forced me back a step. “We both own phones, and I promise to check mine before I go to bed unless I’m super caught up in working on something, okay?”
I didn’t respond, because Jeremy swung open the door and leaned against the frame. “Five minutes are up, lovebirds.”
As he started tugging me inside, I thought I saw something flicker over Jolene’s face, like she wanted to reach out and stop him. But her hands stayed at her sides, and after saying bye, she left, her braid swinging behind her.
I hated myself for not hating the next two days more. Jolene and I texted a little on Saturday, but mostly I spent time with Dad and Jeremy. We ate out, hit up the home improvement store, reframed windows, played video games, hit up the home improvement store again. We also visited Greg, and when Dad once again offered to send Jeremy and me home with Mom, when she said no, we didn’t push it. In short, we acclimated to each other again. There were still stretches of silence and moments when I had to grit my teeth in order to keep my temper in check, but I did it.
I did such a good job that Jeremy didn’t balk on Saturday evening when I said I needed a couple hours to myself the next day. Once Dad left to fix a drippy bathroom faucet on the second floor, I pulled up the Danish pastry recipe Mom had texted me earlier along with the stuff she’d helped me pack from home. I’d made it with her before, but I was still hoping Jolene would judge me more on the intent rather than the taste.
Jeremy frowned when I told him what I was doing, then frowned further when I told him why.
Tomorrow was Valentine’s Day, and fledgling relationship with my dad or not, there was no way I wasn’t seeing Jolene.
I hadn’t wanted to go the flowers-and-candy route because A, Jolene would have called me lame, and B, flowers and candy cost money and I didn’t have a ton of that. What I did have was a helpful mother and the knowledge that Jolene had been bugging me to make her something else ever since I brought her that piece of sweet potato pie from Thanksgiving.
I’d put the dough in the fridge to rest overnight when Jeremy—still frowning—said, “Think I should have planned something for Erica?”
I turned away so he wouldn’t see me smother a laugh. “No way. Girls hate it when guys do thoughtful stuff for them.”
“But we’re, you know, really new. She’s probably not expecting anything, right?”
I pulled out a bowl and added cream cheese, sugar, salt, and a cracked egg on top with one hand for the filling. I stared at him when I turned on the hand mixer.
“She’s totally expecting something.” He cupped the back of his head with both hands and tugged it down before letting his arms drop to his sides. “So I’m screwed?”
“You’re not screwed. Come up with something.”
“What? I can barely afford my car insurance. I can’t get her anything.”
That was true, and unlike me, he hadn’t planned ahead. Which meant Erica was going to be SOL. Again. I groaned. “Here.” I gestured for him to take over with the mixer.
“I don’t have time to help you. I need to figure out what to do for Erica.”
“I’m about to stick your thick head in this bowl.Thisis what you do for Erica. Mom gave me enough ingredients to make another batch in case I ruined the first one.” I hadn’t. “I’ll help you and then you can drop it off at her house tomorrow.Afteryou take me home.”
