There were only a couple windows set high above a loft on one end so I could only make out his outline as he moved away from me and knelt in a corner. A second later strings of crisscrossing lights glowed to life in the rafters above us.
“It’s beautiful,” I breathed.
“Greg’s version of night-lights for the animals,” he explained. I heard his teeth chatter and I laughed.
“You’re going to freeze in just those pj’s, which by the way, you look great in.”
There was enough light to make out his blush.
“Be right back.” Then he jogged back into the cold and returned a few minutes later wearing another coat. There were a few boxes and a trunk in one corner next to an entire wall of cages in various sizes, and that was where we sat. He shook his head and smiled while he watched me start to thaw. “You’re unbelievable, you know that?”
“You did sort of set the bar with your midnight call and promises for my next birthday. The least I could do was wish you a happy birthday in person.”
He was looking at me like I was the best thing he’d ever seen, and my heart started racing. It was so intense that it took everything I had not to look away. “So...happy birthday.” I didn’t think there was anything special about the way that I said that, but Adam swallowed and dropped his gaze to his hands.
“How do you keep doing this to me?”
“Um,” I said. “This is the first birthday where I’ve shown up at your house in the middle of the night, so either you’re still half-asleep, or you’re confusing me with some other girl. In which case, ow.”
Adam didn’t even crack a smile. “This wasn’t supposed to be a good year for me. My parents split up, and my brother and I can barely have a conversation without one of us hitting the other. Greg’s been gone two years, and when I think about him sometimes, I still can’t breathe. I’ve been so mad at...everyone for so long, because if I’m not mad...” His voice went whisper soft. “If I’m not mad all the time, then I have to be something else, something I don’t want to be, because if I start, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop.”
I should have felt uncomfortable, watching him peel back the innermost layers of his heart, and while I did wish I could help him stop hurting, I didn’t want to make him stop talking.
“I’m realizing that I’m even mad at my mom. I tried not to be, because she’s so broken that if I let myself be angry at her, I’ll end up hating myself more, but I am. I’m angry that she let my dad go. I’m angry that she won’t let us all miss Greg together. I’m angry that, because of her, we can’t miss all the parts of him. We can’t let ourselves remember him without going back to the night he died. I thought if I could just be mad at my dad, then I wouldn’t have to be mad at her, but I’ve been just as stuck as she is and I—”
He finally looked up at me, with that same too-intense expression on his face. “I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to be stuck. I don’t want to be mad, not even at my dad.”
I didn’t understand everything he was trying to say, but if he was telling me he wanted to let go of all his anger, then I was glad, and I told him so as I reached for his hand.
“Jo.” He smiled as he watched our fingers intertwine. “How can you still not know?”
Adam could make someone feel stupid by just raising an eyebrow, but that wasn’t what he was doing. He wasn’t being condescending; he was being patient with me, carefully trying to show me something that had been hidden for a long time. My heart hammered painfully against my chest as though it was trying to escape.
“That day we took our first picture for my mom, you told me not to take it personally if I couldn’t make her happy.”
“I don’t remember,” I said, hating that my voice was shaky.
“But that’s what I’ve been doing. Not just taking it personally, but holding everyone else responsible, too. So I became angrier and angrier, and my family didn’t get any better. I’m not saying my anger is the reason my family isn’t together, but it’s part of why we’ve stayed that way. If I’d been trying from the start...then maybe... I don’t know.” He took a huge breath. “I know that it’s not my dad’s fault. It’s not my mom’s fault, or Jeremy’s. I know it’s not my fault. It’s all and none, and I know that because of you.”
My heart lurched so violently I nearly toppled over. I tried to pull my hand free, but Adam hung on to me. “You made me want to be happy again.”
Tears sprang so forcefully to my eyes that I had to squeeze them shut, and still, he kept talking.
“You made me want to try when all I’d been doing was blaming everyone else. You don’t do that, and I don’t think you ever have. You are so much braver than I am, and I think I—no, Iknowthat I lo—”
“Adam!” I didn’t think my heart was trying to escape anymore so much as it was trying to smash itself to a pulp. My ribs felt splintered and I didn’t trust myself to open my eyes. I could not let him say what I thought he’d been about to say. The terrified, desperate thing in my rib cage was frantic now.
“I will say it to you eventually, but if you’re not ready tonight...”
I opened my eyes again, my heart collapsing in relief.
He shrugged. “This—you here with me right now—it’s enough.”
I felt bruised and battered inside and my heart moved in shaky half beats, weary but ready to start slamming again if given the provocation.
“You here on my birthday?” He smiled. “It’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten.”
“Oh, I almost forgot,” I said, glad for the reprieve and the reminder that I had something else for him. My fingers still felt stiff from the cold and the adrenaline my heart had been flooding my system with, but they functioned enough to dig into my bag and pull out a small cardboard box. I handed it to Adam. “Open it.”
