“For the record, I’ve been noticing you since we were twelve. I’ve just been an idiot for the past five years.” He wasn’t being funny. None of it was. Part of me wanted to scream at all the wasted time. And another, much smaller part of me was glad that he’d had a few months to know what I’d felt for years.
“And your neighbor moved in.” Sean tried to rein in the flicker that twisted his features. “And no, I don’t want to start in on any of that. You say I was wrong to hit him, then I have to believe you.”
I was too stunned by his acknowledgment of being wrong to say anything except, “Thank you.”
Sean seemed surprised at himself too. “Yeah.”
“And I’m sorry too. Lying to my dad about you. I never thought he’d call you, but I shouldn’t have done that.”
Sean shrugged. “It wasn’t even about that, really. And none of that matters, not him or your mom.” He wove a couple of his fingers underneath where my hand was pressed into the merry-go-round between us.
I pulled away.
“If you could see inside my head these past months.” I stood up and fought not to shudder. “It hasn’t been good, and you were tangled up in all of it. That doesn’t just go away. I can’t snap back to being in love with you because you want me to. I wish I could.”
“Hey.” Sean’s hand was warm on mine as he stood and drew me toward him. And then he hugged me. It wasn’t exactly like the hundreds of hugs he’d given me before. The arms he slid around my waist held me just differently enough that I could imagine how a completely nonfriend kind of hug from Sean would be. And that only made the knot in my throat bigger.
His chin rested on my head and his breath blew out over my hair. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. Not ever.” His arms tightened for a second before he pulled back enough so that I could see his eyes. It was probably the closest I’d ever been to him before. I could see all the flecks of silver. “Breaking your heart means I’m going to try and fix it. You know that, right?” I couldn’t stop the extra beat my broken heart made at the way his eyes moved over my face. It was almost exactly the same flutter I’d felt watching that bottle spin at Jamie Pilther’s birthday.
Sean gave me his half smile, the one that felt like it belonged to me—and maybe it did—and leaned toward me. He kissed my forehead. “You said you wish you were still in love with me. You used to love me when I wasn’t even trying. Can you imagine what it’s gonna be like now that I am?”
I laughed and he let me go. Reluctantly.
I sat and pulled my legs up and without needing to say anything, Sean started pushing. I watched him moving like a flipbook, catching a shot of him every time the merry-go-round rotated. The pattern sped up until Sean leaped on and we lay head to head, my legs in one direction and his in the other, staring up at the night.
“Probably not the greatest night to declare my undying love for you, huh?”
I curled my hand up over my shoulder, searching for Sean’s and letting my eyes drop closed when the tips of his fingers laced through mine. Without a word. Without a glance. He just knew.
“What did she tell you this time?”
The fingers in my free hand curled, scraping across the metal tread of the merry-go-round. “Typical mom stuff. My not-real-dad couldn’t stand the sight of me as a baby and the only reason he spent any time with me as a kid was to punish her. So, you know.” I shrugged like I didn’t care what she’d said, but the truth was lodged in my throat as I turned my head away from Sean.
After a long minute, Sean simply said, “Well, okay.”
I looked back. “Okay? That’s all you have to say?”
“Pretty much. I mean I always wondered if your mom was stupid or just evil, and now I know. She’s both.”
Air whooshed out of me. I hadn’t known how much I’d needed someone else to say that. “You think?”
“Oh, yeah.” Sean curled an arm behind his head. “And to be clear, she’s not taking you for any amount of time. I don’t care what we have to do.”
I shouldn’t have felt like smiling at him, but I did. He so clearly meant it. I almost asked him what we would do just to hear how far he’d be willing to go. But, with Sean, I already knew the answer.
“No,” I said. “I’ve got more than sixteen months’ worth of fighting in me, after that I’ll be eighteen and it’ll be no one’s choice but mine.” My almost smile slipped away and the knot in my throat rose infinitesimally higher. “But I don’t think she was lying about my dad when I was little. She was telling the truth about my paternity, and the rest makes sense. It does.”
“Jill…” Sean flipped to my side and wrapped an arm around me. “I love you like Claire loves her treadmill, but I’ve got nothing on your dad.”
Sean was warm where his side pressed against mine and he made things so easy when I tried to make them hard. I squeezed his hand. “I’m really glad you came.”
“I’m glad you let me. Do it more often, will you? Oh, and that,” he added when I shifted closer. “See how well we fit?”
I let my head tip onto his shoulder.
Above us the stars looked like they were glowing water ripples, like stones skipped across the sky.
It was a good fit.
