Before he moved out, he meant.
“Am I helping her, hurting her?” He straightened and shook his head. “Do I push her, do I not? And I love her—” he gestured at his chest “—so much, but I can’t live at home indefinitely. I want to do things and go places. I think she knows that. Maybe that’s why…” His head dropped.
“I’m really sorry. I don’t know what to say.” I was falling into a greater intimacy with Chase and his family than I’d ever planned, one that made my ongoing selfishness all the more glaring. It wasn’t a nice thing I was doing to him, lying by omission, and glimpsing some of the issues going on in his life made it so much harder to rationalize my behavior.
“What would you do?” Chase asked, his fingers brushing against my knee. I should have moved away, both from his touch and the fragile intimacy surrounding us. I had no right to either, but I stayed exactly where I was, hating myself a little more with each passing minute.
“I don’t know. I understand why she’s trying to hold on, but…you have to be more important.”
The fingers against my knee shifted to my hand. It was so easy to touch him, to be touched by him, that I didn’t know who had reached for whom as I held his hand.
“I’m okay staying at home for now, finishing my undergrad degree, giving her time to get used to the idea, but not living on the couch.” His hand flexed in mine. “And I want us both to be able to park in the garage so we don’t risk third-degree burns trying to open a car door in the summer.”
I laughed a little. “Doesn’t sound like you’re asking for too much.”
He didn’t laugh. “But I am. Brandon will be going away to college in the fall, and Uncle Bran will sell his house. She knows everyone is leaving. I don’t want to leave her too.”
For once I didn’t pounce on the mention of Brandon’s name and twist the conversation for my own gain. I didn’t want to hear about my brother in that moment, I wanted to help my boyfri—I wanted to help Chase. This selfless and funny and honest and brave and really beautiful guy. This unbelievably amazing guy.
“Where do you want to go?” I asked.
Turning our linked hands over, he said, “Right now? Nowhere, but I need to know I can. That I won’t be destroying her when I do.”
His skin was warm against mine, rough from working but still soft when I traced his palm with my thumb. “Maybe she needs you to do exactly what you’re doing—helping her let go of a little now so it won’t hurt as much when she has to let go of a lot later.”
He nodded. His gaze was on our hands, but he was clearly somewhere else in his head. I wondered if he was thinking about his dad walking out on him and his mom, making a comparison that no one else would have.
“You’ll always come back to her, won’t you? Whatever you do and wherever you go—”
“She’s my home.”
I lifted my hands on either side of his face and kissed him. Not because it would get me anything but because I wanted him to know what I felt and could never say.
I pulled away just as his hands settled on my rib cage. “Tell her all that. What you want and what you’re willing to do. Tell her why. All of it.” I stood and held out my hand to him. “And when she’s reminded how unbelievably amazing and selfless her son is—because she loves you and she already knows—you’ll be able to help her let go.”
* * *
Once we got back to his house, I didn’t hang around to watch the conversation between Chase and his mom, but I did watch the way he walked up to her, squatted down beside her and smiled.
I made it all the way home before that same expression crumbled from my face.
CHAPTER 31
Pushing aside the sick guilt sloshing in my stomach, I returned to Chase’s house on Monday.
He smiled at me, and my heart twisted. He kissed me and unshed tears burned behind my eyes. They nearly spilled down my cheeks when he hugged me too close while telling me about the conversation with his mom, the fruit of which was the partially refilled garbage and donation bags that had been emptied last time I was there.
A start, he said.
While I knew it had to be an ending. I couldn’t do it much longer, lie to him when he was more honest with me than maybe anyone had ever been. If I didn’t find what I needed that day, then I never would.
* * *
I hit pay dirt a few hours later.
Photo albums.
Boxes and boxes of photo albums.Thank you, Sandy.
