But rain delayed us. The risk of hundreds of wagons stuck in mud was too great, and our progress was halted. We were stuck on the same place along the road for two days. This did nothing but heighten the unrest that had spread amongst the penitents. Miserable, we spent the days huddled under the tarpaulin of the wagon, trying to soothe the goats and chickens. Our poor horses had to bear the brunt of the downpour. I was worried about them, particularly Zara, as it was getting colder by the day. Tessa pointed out that the chill would likely prevent the poor things from getting rain rot scabs on their coats, something that only seemed to happen in wet summers to animals who had no shelter.
I kept stepping outside to stand near Zara and pet her dripping neck, cooing in her ear. “I am so sorry, it has come to this. I wish you’d had a different life than this one, my girl. I wish you’d stayed in Tintar or on Sibbereen and been some lovely, carefree woman’s mount. I wish you didn’t have to be the one thing that has loved me back the longest.” And then, by the cover of the weather, I wept into her neck. I had no idea of what our next days and weeks would look like. I did not know if I could protect my family, if I could keep us all safe and together. I only knew that we entered the enemy’s territory and that my niece had called for aid.
“What’s wrong?” came a half shout near me.
I looked up to see Reed standing next to me holding up a large piece of tanned, treated tarpaulin over his head. His hood was drawnup, but there was rain dripping from the end of his nose. He jerked his head, beckoning me to come stand under it.
I did so, wiping my nose with my fingers. “I just can’t stand her being alone out here, tied at the back, soaked,” I explained, my face a hand’s span from his own. “She seems fine, but she’s old. I almost wonder if she’s too weak to show how scared she must be.”
He took a step forward, causing me to step back until I was up against Zara’s neck. Then he lifted the tarp even higher and held it to also cover her big head. “I understand,” he said, looking down at me. “I just came from comforting my own mare.”
“Your arms will get tired,” I said.
“Why do you cry?” was his reply.
I shook my head. “I just told you. I worry for my poor horse.”
“Tell me all of it.” Reed’s eye was sharp, searching my face.
I decided I may as well confess. “Well, if you must know, I am terrified. I’ve spent so long as the hunted deer, I’ve never done anything with my life. Just run. And now I’m in a new place, running again. And perhaps I am now worried about how to be the hunter.”
I thought of Tessa’s words to me weeks ago.All of your life, you have been reacting instead of acting. And that’s no fault of yours.
“What we are about to do is not meant for hunted deer. It is work meant for the hunter. What we are about to do requires action,” I continued, speaking slowly, worrying my teeth would start to chatter. “I have only ever reacted. I have never acted. How is a running deer supposed to rescue anyone?”
Reed swallowed and closed his eye. Then he opened it and looked back at me. “You have more hunter in you than you know. Allow me to say that it is the fault of this world and not your own that you are so accustomed to reaction and not action. Ifanyonehad the choice, they would certainly choose to be the hunter, wouldn’t they?”
I shook my head. “I would still want to be the deer. I just want to be free.”
He did not respond, only stood there watching me, arms held uphigh, until a driver of Thane’s called his name and he had to leave us. Before he did, he gave me his tarp.
78
NOW: WOOING
After two days of cold, heavy rain, it merely spat and drizzled. According to Dermid, who visited our camp the morning of the third day, Thane had advised Gerard and the other high-ranking army officers that it was best to wait one more day and let the ground harden again.
Ilsit and I had been discussing the last time we had seen Bertram or Gerard ride by on their mounts. And then Tessa overheard one of us saying the phrase “almost killed.” There was a row amongst the three of us, resulting in me admitting that someone had made an attempt on my life, all the while eyeing Ilsit not to elaborate. She aided me in this, saying she thought it was a random attack, a thief in the night. And when I explained that was why Reed took me to his bed at night, that there was no other threat since, she was halfway to forgiving us. But then Jade overheard, and then Fox was involved and another fight was had. It ended with Ilsit and I downplaying a single attack and saying that Reed was merely overprotective.
Both Jade and Tessa did not speak to me for most of the day.
The rain’s having gone from a torrent to a sputter did nothing to ease the tension in the camp, only exacerbating it, irking folk whoneeded to leave the cover of their wagons to carry on with the tasks of readying their camps for the next day, tending to the sodden livestock and the preparation of food. The infantry officers that patrolled the camps were shorter and terser, snapping at anyone who was deemed out of line.
I wondered whether Reed would come collect me, as the earth beneath the wagon was dry enough to make our beds there again and we were tired of the cramped wagon and the smell of the animals inside it.
Ilsit was convinced that Daisy had pissed somewhere in the wagon and was attempting to make Fox admit it, but Fox was adamant that Daisy only ever went outside.
Tessa had smartly thought to collect rainwater in our buckets, and we each took a quick turn in the wagon to bathe. I chose to wash my hair, however awkward it was to lean over the bucket. We all felt grimy and sweaty from sitting next to each other so long, despite the wintery air and rainy weather. It was a relief to smell a little fresher. I reveled in a clean scalp.
Keir, Dermid, and Evangeline came to dine with us, bringing a cut of venison from deer Keir and Reed had hunted that morning.
“Don’t tell anyone,” Evangeline warned. “They had to turn it over to the Starling priest and the higher-ranking army men. But we got to keep this.”
The cut of meat barely allowed for us all to have a portion, and I declined mine, feeling less hungry and more curious about whether or not Reed would join his brothers in our meal. He did not. And afterward, using the last of the bucket water, Keir and Dermid washed and dried our dishes. Jade made bark tea with a dash of whiskey for everyone, even Fox. I found myself charmed by their added company but, as everyone conversed around the campfire, my mind was ruminating on what Skow and collecting Adelaide would be like.
“Ah, here he comes,” said Keir, looking up from a bucket of suds.And then he turned to Jade and winked, tilting his head towards the rest of the camp.
Reed stepped into our circle and nodded at everyone. To Fox, he pointed and held out his hand as if she were to hand him something.
