I stared at him, unsure of what to say.
“The only time I had said those words to a woman, before loving you, she replied by saying ‘it is not enough,’ and I was yet a coward when I fell for you. I let my heartbreak as a boy impede my happiness as a man. Still, I did try to tell you in my way.”
“You did?” I asked.
He sighed and turned away, back to looking at the city. “I said it to you almost every night while you were asleep. No, I am certain it was every night.”
“Every night?”
“Every night since you found your magic.” He still looked out over the balcony. “I said it to you that night when I thought you slumbered, because that is when I knew I was lost to you. You were so proud of yourself and I was so proud of you. And I was so angry at Cian for making you bleed, I almost committed the blasphemy of striking an archpriest.”
My voice was timid and I asked, “That is when you knew you loved me?”
He turned back to me, eyes sharp. “No. That is when I knew I would nevernotlove you. That is when I knew I would be in love with my wife for the remainder of my winters, until my death and if spirits and ghosts exist, then I would also be in love thereafter.”
“Are you mad at me?” I knew I sounded petulant, but he rarely showed much feeling and I was unsettled by his shortness, especially as he had just said he loved me.
Alric looked down at my feet. He set the book on the chair Hinnom had just vacated and put both of his hands on my ankles. “No. I am mad at myself for being so gutless. I should have said those words to you moons ago. At least when I knew I had a chance of you.” He looked up at me. “Do you wish to know an account of this love?”
I nodded.
My husband tilted his head, eyes still on me, a crease at the corners of them. “We met on the day of my greatest failure. Despite much preparation, we could not find The Council of Ten. Tintar has not been officially at war in my lifetime and though I am experienced in soldiering, I had never, none of us, not the oldest of generals, conducted a restrained invasion. There had not been broken agreements like that in some time. I was discouraged, defeated and so tired. Jeremanthy advised that we join his troops in their invasion as we continued to look for your former city’s leaders. And that is how I felt and who I was when I then encountered you, priestess. And I never chose or told you which rumor for us two to live by, because I could not, even to myself, admit that both were true, that yes, I had fallen for your ruse and yes, I had fallen for your face. Cleverly, you had deceived me or I had let you deceive me for a few hours. And you had unquestionably beguiled me. I knew that I wanted you that first day as we marched out of Eccleston. Your face was peeking through the slats of that pig’s wagon. I thought you were lovely. I could not stop looking at your mouth, at the curve of your cheek. Then I saw you swimming in the glowing stream in Nyossa, when you took your scribe’s dress off under your priest’s robe. All the rocks and plants were lit around you in the water.”
“You were angry with me then.”
“Of course, I was. You were seducing me and you were supposed to be my captive.” His mouth had a wryness to it, and it was softening as he spoke, but not yet a smile. He went on. “I wrestled with giving you that comb. I watched you sleep for a moment, your hair still damp. And I could not then and cannot now resist how sweet you look when you sleep. When Perch told me he was too big, that his horse could not carry you both, I should have assigned you to another man, but I could not stop myself and I took his place. Even seated behind me, you were too much a distraction. I tried not to look at you for the rest of the journey. And then, as we rode out of the farmlands, you wore that brown dress from the farm women. I had guessed at you having a beautiful figure, but that day, I knew it. To me, that old dress was as a queen’s gown.”
I snorted a little, but his face remained serious.
“But,” he continued, “I knew I couldloveyou the night before our wedding.”
Raising a brow, I said, “The night you referred to our marriage as your fetters? What was it you said? Oh yes, ‘these are shackles to which there is no key.’”
“Such an excellent memory,” he parried, his face still unreadable despite that mouth. “No. That was the night you showed such grace towards that pregnant girl after she was so spiteful. And then I knew you were not just comely and tempting and not just brave and smart, but kind. And that is when I knew I could feel something more than desire for you. And thus, I was truly furious with you. That is why I was hostile. I did not want to fall in love with the woman who represented a mark on an otherwise perfect military record.”
And here, I smiled, because having known him for four seasons, that made a kind of Alric sense to me when he explained it. “I see,” I said and then hungry for more, “go on.”
He exhaled through his nose, a glint in his eye. “Alright. Then, and I have told you this before, there are no words for how you looked on our wedding day. I could not remember to breathe. I know you do not remember this, because you were as a foreigner in a foreign land, marrying your captor, likely preoccupied by your own concerns, but I stumbled through our vows. Anwyn has not let me forget about it. Nor has Thatcher or Perch for that matter.” He paused and looked away. “And then I came back from Sealmouth, determined to be courteous and gentlemanly and found you in my room, in naught but a shift. It was really unfair. I thought the gods toyed with me then.” He pursed his lips, shaking his head a little, still watching the lights from windows dot the city as the daylight receded.
I wondered if I would see a second smile.“Continue,” I said as soberly as I could.
Alric carried on without looking at me. “And then, to make it worse, because I could not hack it trying to sleep in the infantry barracks, I had to share a bed with you. Which was, if I am being honest, a torment.”
“A torment?” I said, aggrieved. “I thought we made fine bedfellows.”
He finally met my eyes, brows lifted. “I repeat, it was a torment. Your scent was enticing. The shape of you was enticing. And then you wanted to talk to me at night, so I could not pretend you were not there to entice me. I felt as bait in a trap. I was helpless, really.”
I bit the insides of my cheeks.
Sensing, he was pleasing me, but pretending as if he did not want to do so, he told me more. “What else? Oh, yes. The Rush of Flowers and your summer dress. Which, if I am not mistaken, you wore the entire season and I never had any peace. Then, after my poor conduct that morning, you were agreeable that night and kind to my father. In the street, you were forgiving and you taught me to think before I speak. I could not help but admire you. I had before, but now I saw how though you can be fast to your ire, you are also fast to finding accord again. And you liked the necklace.”
“What happened to my hagstone?”
He frowned. “I threw it in the water. I will have Anwyn make you another chain and we will buy you any pendant you wish. Thalia thinks it contained that man’s last magic, the one who tried to summon the drakes all those winters ago. We both thought it was keeping your right hand clenched and the drakes still drakes. They only realigned themselves after I tore it from you. I am sorry if you wanted to keep it.”
“It served its purpose,” I assented. “I must have slept near where he was laid to rest in Nyossa.”
Alric dipped his chin. “That could be. It found you in some way, the stone.”
