“People are sometimes terrified of the Hawks. But most of those are criminals.”
“Most yes, but not all. Having Barrani on the street and wearing the Hawk makes them a little less frightening.” She was silent for a beat. “But surely you already know this.”
Did she?
She’d been a Hawk for seven years, unofficially. The Hawk had never terrified her the way Barrani in Nightshade had. It had never terrified her the way the howls of hunting Ferals did. It had never terrified her the way the cold did, the way hunger did. But the warrens were as close to the fiefs as anyplace inside the city could be—and if she’d been born there, and the warrens were her home?
Would she love the Hawk then? Would she be unafraid of it?
Fear of the Barrani made sense to Kaylin. Outside of the Law, they could kill most mortals on a whim. Barrani against Leontine was not as sure a thing.
“I don’t know,” she finally said. “There wasn’t a lot of difference for us between Shadows and Barrani when I was a kid. And if I’m being honest, most mortals of my acquaintance I tried real hard to avoid as well. You don’t understand what it’s like. If I met me from back then—”
“Yes?”
“I wouldn’t have given me a chance if I didn’t want my throat slit.”
Bellusdeo exhaled and moved to stand beside Kaylin. Moran’s glare did not—had never, apparently—included the gold Dragon. “It’s so hard to have productive discussions with you,” she said, but fondly. “Most men—most Barrani, most Dragons—when forced into the space you are standing in now might deflect. They might, if pressed in an unavoidable way, justify. They might give excuses—ah, pardon, I believe they would call them explanations.”
Kaylin shrugged. “Look, I’m not proud of what I once did.”
“No.”
“But I understand why I did it. If I were therenow, if I lost everythingnow, I’d make different choices. But I didn’t even see the possibilities, then. I saw death. When all you see is death, or probable death, you don’t trust much.”
“And the tabard?”
“I doubt I’d’ve trusted it, either.”
“Even before you lived in Barren?”
“Even then. I believed that paradise existed across the Ablayne. But none of that paradise came into the fiefs, and the Hawks? They didn’t, either. Can we drop this?”
“Yes. But I expect you to accept Teela’s leave of absence.” She hesitated.
Kaylin stared at her.
“Or her resignation, if it comes to that.”
6
“Kaylin,” Helen repeated, in her most patient tone, “I cannot answer that question.”
“You can.”
“I cannotethicallyanswer that question.”
“Yes, you can.”
“Teela is a guest. Teela is not present. If she wishes to share that information with you, she will.”
“She won’t!”
“Then perhaps there is a reason for that.”
“Yes—she thinks I can’t do anything. She still thinks I’m helpless—”
“She does not think of you as helpless. She has told you so. It is hard for her to make that adjustment, but given your age when she first met you, you must be able to understand that.”
