‘Sounds perfect,’ I say, almost sceptically.
‘Ah, but it’s not perfect,’ JJ corrects me. ‘People don’t like perfect, they like real. You fall, he saves you. He needs you to go to his meetings, you’re there supporting him. True, honest love. Just, you know, faked.’
‘Just like that,’ I reply.
‘Yep, just like that,’ she says firmly. ‘You’ve had the grand gesture, the proposal, that’s got people interested. Now you need to keep it low-key, but sell your love story. Look loved-up. Touch. Familiarity. Adoration.’
‘You want us to touch each other?’ Jake clarifies.
‘Yes, but not in a weird way,’ she replies. ‘That said – did you see Ozzy, from the latestSingledom, getting off with Lady Lavendar outside Purple Ice? That was all me.’
Jake rubs his chin for a moment.
‘Ma’am, I don’t think I understood a word you just said,’ he points out.
‘You call me ma’am, you don’t even have to remember my name,’ she replies with a wink. ‘Anyway, relax, I’m talking about the two of you learning to stand like a couple, sit like a couple. Look at each other like you’re obsessed. Like you know what each other’s favourite movie is and how you take your tea.’
Jake looks me up and down playfully.
‘You like your tea with milk,’ he says, sounding like he’s taking a stab in the dark.
‘I do!’ I say almost excitedly. ‘You can tell that?’
‘No, I had breakfast with you,’ he reminds me with a grin.
I laugh.
‘That right, right there,’ JJ says, her eyes wide, her smile beaming. ‘This is what people need to see. This cute nonsense – but with more touching.’
‘I guess we should have some boundaries for touching,’ I suggest.
JJ’s smile drops off, probably never to be see again.
‘What? No, boundaries are all wrong, boundaries are not hot,’ she insists. ‘You’re pretending to be in love, not tying each other up, you don’t need a safe word.’
Eye-opening statement from my friend who, now that I think about it, probably wasn’t joking about having handcuffs in her bedroom.
‘Boundaries sound good,’ Jake adds.
‘At least you’re acting like you’re on the same page,’ JJ chimes in. ‘Okay, fine, if we’re taking this seriously then, how about: public affection only, all above the belt. Next…’
‘Can we go back to “no above the belt”?’ I reply.
‘You want to get below the belt in the mix, that’s fine by me, I approve – it was you two who said you wanted boundaries,’ she replies.
I snort with laughter.
‘No, JJ, obviously I have more above the belt than Jake does, so to speak,’ I point out.
I gesture my hands over my boobs in a vague way.
‘I promise to only ever treat you like a lady,’ he tells me.
And I don’t know if I’m relieved or disappointed.
‘Okay, we need to practise, to get the first weird one out of the way,’ JJ says.
‘Practise what?’ I ask.
