‘Erm, we don’t knock things until we’ve tried them,’ she reminds me. ‘And we don’t kink-shame.’
‘Let’s just put a pin in that line of thought and get back to the actual matter at hand which is that he talked about strangling me,’ I explain – because it turns out I need to. ‘All he really wanted to talk about was his book?—’
‘Did you talk about yours?’ she asks, interrupting me, her gaze suspicious.
‘Not as much as he talked about his,’ I insist. ‘Do you know what he’s working on?’
‘Some kind of historical Sherlock Holmes kind of thing, I think,’ she replies. ‘Why?’
‘He told me he’s writing about a crime writer who murders romcom writers,’ I practically squeak. ‘And he was talking about a blonde victim called Britney.’
She snorts.
‘He will have been having you on, Whit,’ she replies. ‘I thought you liked a joke…’
‘Jokes are funny,’ I tell her. ‘He was not.’
‘I mean, it all sounds kind of hot to me, like role play?—’
‘Like serial-killer role play,’ I correct her.
‘And to each their own,’ she insists with confidence.
‘Have you ever thought about becoming a lawyer?’ I ask, keeping my face straight as I sip my drink.
‘Well, if Kim Kardashian can do it – I’ve always felt we had a lot in common,’ she replies.
No comment.
‘You have issues,’ I tell her.
‘Fun issues though,’ she replies. ‘We all have issues – yours are boring.’
‘Pah! This will be good,’ I say. ‘What issues?’
‘Well, you compare every man you meet to your best friend,’ she replies. ‘Your second-best friend, I should say. You could do a lot worse than me.’
‘But not much,’ I tell her before blowing her a kiss. ‘And look, if I do compare men to Andy, that’s only because he’s a great friend and a guy. So good guys do exist.’
‘That’s the problem though, you cannot compare a date to a mate,’ she insists. ‘He’s your mate, he cares about you, you live together. So you know if he invites you to dinner, it’s because he thinks you’re hungry, or if he catches you dashing from the bathroom to the bedroom in those big knickers you wear, it doesn’t matter. He’s immune.’
‘Erm, I do not wear big knickers,’ I protest. ‘Just because you won’t wear anything that doesn’t double up as a sex toy…’
‘I’m a busy woman,’ she replies with a laugh.
A big part of our friendship is teasing each other. We both get such a kick out of it – plus, it keeps us on our toes. This proves my point though – you should always compare potential dates to your friends. That way you’ll always get someone who deserves you.
I slump back in my seat.
‘Ahh well, to Pete,’ JJ jokes, raising her glass. ‘May the authorities finally catch up to him.’
‘To Pete,’ I reply, clinking her glass. ‘And to no more dates.’
JJ quickly removes her glass from her lips.
‘No, no, no, I’m not drinking to that,’ she says. ‘You owe me one more date.’
‘You owe me not getting murdered!’ I clap back.
