‘Excuse me?’ he says.
‘You know, there’s a man, he gets women to trust him, he murders them – it’s been done,’ I point out. ‘In fact… isn’t that exactly what Patrick Bateman does inAmerican Psycho? That’s the bookandthe movie.’
I can see his expression changing, shifting in small ways, the tightening of his jaw, a few extra blinks here and there, the lowering of his eyebrows. I can tell he didn’t like that.
‘No, because my guy is killing romance authors, and he has a heart, he’s a good guy,’ he replies. ‘In fact, this one woman, a blonde called Britney, is about to be his next victim when he decides he can’t kill her. He wants to keep her captive instead. So, no. Not predictable.’
I do wonder if she was going to a) be blonde, b) be called Britney (so close to my name), or c) exist, if I hadn’t pissed him off with my comments just now.
‘Yeah, okay, that’s different,’ I reply. I think we’ll leave it there.
‘I’m a bestselling author,’ he reminds me, his tone suddenly much warmer as he reaches out across the table to place his hand on mine. His touch sends a shiver down my spine. ‘I know what people want.’
‘I’m sure you do,’ I say plainly – although he cannot possibly, if he thinks that I want his hand on mine.
‘We shouldn’t talk shop all night, this is a date after all,’ he continues. ‘How about a plot twist? We could knock these back and go somewhere else. Seeing as though you like clichés – your place or mine? I’m thinking mine…’
I’m thinking if I go to his he’ll go all method and murder me.
‘There was another drink I really wanted to try,’ I tell him. ‘If you fancy another…’
Because as ballsy and sassy as I am, I think we all know that when it comes to letting men down, we all have this fear of it going terribly.
‘You show me what you want, I’ll give it to you,’ he replies.
I point out a drink to him on the menu so that, while he’s ordering them, I can grab my phone and send an SOS to JJ. We have an agreed symbol – a frog emoji – so that we can let the other know if we’re on a date with a creature. That way, we can have an excuse to leave.
Soon enough my phone rings. It’s a great system.
‘Oh, it’s JJ,’ I tell him. ‘She’s tried a few times, I’d better make sure everything is okay.’
The fact that she set us up on this date is going to make the fake emergency all the more believable. Well, why would she set us up then break us off?
‘Sure,’ he replies.
‘Hello?’ I answer. ‘Is everything okay?… What?… Really?’
‘I cannot believe you’re chickening out of this date already,’ she replies with a laugh, safe in the knowledge that only I can hear her.
‘An accident?’ I reply.
‘Honestly, you really want to leave? You’re not even going to give it a fair shout?’ she continues.
‘Oh, JJ, that’s awful,’ I reply.
‘You’re not even going to roll the dice on a kiss, see if you feel anything?’ she checks.
‘That sounds so painful,’ I tell her, keeping up the act on my side, but also answering her question. ‘I’ll be right there. Where are you?’
‘Do you know what, I’m actually out and about, I can be with you in half an hour. Meet you at Charliez?’
‘Yeah, okay, hang in there, I’ll see you soon,’ I tell her.
‘Looking forward to it,’ she tells me. ‘We can debrief.’
I turn to Pete.
‘Pete, I’m so sorry, I’m going to have to go, JJ needs me,’ I tell him.
