He doesn’t pull away immediately, and neither do I. Our fingertips linger for a second longer than they need to.
Then he takes a sandwich and leans back again.
The sun is warm. The water is soft noise. The world feels far away. It’s so peaceful I could almost forget the last few days entirely. Almost… because last night has really complicated things.
‘Can I ask you somethin’?’ Jake asks.
‘That depends. Is it going to ruin my day?’ I joke – well, half joke.
He glances at me, a faint smile.
‘Maybe.’
‘Great,’ I mutter playfully. ‘Go on.’
‘Last night,’ he starts after a brief pause.
‘Last night was… chaotic,’ I reply. ‘I’ve never been to a joint stag and hen before.’
‘Yeah. But I mean… after,’ he says.
I know he did. My throat goes dry.
The power cut. The candlelight. The way his voice sounded. The way his hands felt on my body…
I sip my tea and clear my throat.
‘Right.’
Jake watches me carefully.
‘What did it mean to you?’ he asks.
I don’t know what to say. My first instinct is to crack a joke. To shield myself with humour and sarcasm like I always do, but the way he’s looking at me makes it impossible.
‘It meant… something,’ I say.
‘Yeah?’
I nod, my chest tightening.
‘It meant… I don’t know. Something.’
‘You don’t know what?’ he asks gently.
‘I know it sounds bad. It’s not that… It’s… I just…’ I wave a hand helplessly. ‘My life is a mess, Jake. We’re pretending to be engaged, and it’s confusing, because it all feels so real sometimes, and then there’s the wedding, the book deal, your business deal – we’re spinning so many plates and…’
‘Hey,’ he says, holding up a hand gently.
I stop.
‘I’m not askin’ for a perfect answer,’ he replies. ‘I’m just wondering if last night was just a drunken blur of the two of us getting caught up in the story, or something real?’
I wish I knew. I wish he would answer the question first, so I could follow his lead. I wish I knew what he thought.
The problem is that I am falling for Jake. That part feels undeniable. It’s in the way my body relaxes around him, the way I keep looking at him like I’m trying to memorise him, the way his attention feels like warmth I didn’t realise I’d been missing. But there are two complications – one is if he thinks last night was just a drunken mistake, the two of us getting carried away with our fake story, and just happening to be in a bed together, in a dark room, in a power cut – who wouldn’t hook up? The other thing is Andy. Or maybe it’s not actually Andy, but the version of him I’ve been telling myself is the guy for me, but that’s not actually Andy, is it? That’s me choosing the security of my friend, someone I trust with my heart, after a string of bad dates. Maybe I was never in love with him, not like that – if I was, I’d be sure, right? Sure like I am about the way I feel about Jake, but unlike Andy asking me out a million years ago, I have nothing to go on with Jake, to know if he actually likes me, or if this is all for the business deal. Yes, okay, we did sleep together, but if JJ were here she’d remind me that she sleeps with people she doesn’t want to see again all of the time, so maybe I can’t read too much into that.
Jake is perfect. He’s safe and steady and, yes, ridiculously attractive, and my body is screaming for me to pick him – but does he really want me to? I find it so hard to believe.
