“Care to go inside?”
“Are we going upstairs?” I asked as we started towards the door. There were two entrances to his apartment above the bookstore. One was inside the bookstore itself, and the other door was on the outside. We usually took the second entrance, rather than walk through the store.
“No, not tonight. I want to stay down here tonight.” He unlocked the door and led me inside. It was so dark I paused at the first step in.
“Are there lights?” I let out a nervous chuckle.
“Not tonight. Come on.” He pulled me into the store. He was an expert at navigating the dark room. I was so nervous about bumping into a table or a shelf, but I tried my hardest to inhale his confidence. I was able to get my eyes adjusted, but not well. We went to the back of the store, and finally, we saw light.
It was so small. A single, tall, white candle lit a small square table set against a wall. The table was empty except for one single book. My heart fluttered as I recognized it as the journal he had written for me. Tate dropped my hand and went to the table. He pulled out a chair and looked over at me.
“Sit?” he asked, offering me a small smile. I did as he asked, and he took the seat across from me. He rested his hands on top of the book. Mine stayed on my lap under the table.
“I wanted this to be some giant romantic gesture, but I realized that a hundred candles in a bookstore wasn’t the smartest idea. I hoped one would get the vibe across alright.”
I laughed. I relaxed as I looked across the dim light at Tate. I loved how easy it was with him. I mean, it wasn’t, but it really was. I was able to be myself with him. Once we removed all outside issues, when it was just the two of us, it was amazing. I loved how I felt when we were together.
“I think it works. Is there a reason for this grand romantic gesture?” I teased. His smile revealed an exhaustion in his eyes I hadn’t noticed before. My own smile faltered. Sitting here with him I had all but forgot about the fight we had last time we were truly alone together. When I told him not to come back until he could figure things out.
“I wanted to do this because I think it’s time I really talk about why I did what I did. And, I want to formally, apologize. None of what I’m about to explain can justify me sharing that stuff with anyone without you knowing. I’ve just been sitting with this for a few weeks now and I’ve made some decisions about us, moving forward.”
My heart stuttered. Was this a whole elaborate plan for Tate to break up with me? Have Ronny soften the blow some and then Tate could swoop in and call it quits?
“Okay,” I said cautiously. “I guess you have the floor.”
He smiled and reached for the book on the table. He raised it and waved it.
“I wrote the bulk of this at this very table. I would come in, not sure if I wanted to see you or if I was scared to see you. I wanted to show you I cared, but I was terrified of you breaking my heart again. I knew it was a risk each time I came here, but the words came easier here, knowing that this was your comfort place.”
He opened the book and searched for a page. He stopped and pointed to some handwritten lines. I peered over the candle, but the light was too dim for me to actually see what was scrawled on the page.
“This was the night after we visited the lawyer. When we made that deal about wearing your rings. Do you remember that day?” He looked up at me and waited for me to nod. He stared at me with determined eyes for a long moment before it clicked. He wasn’t referring to the court room. That was the night Ronny and I experimented with something different in the bedroom. Instantly my cheeks heated.
“Ah, there it is. Yes, that night sucked. I walked in, intent on staying on Cash’s couch for a night or two. Just until things calmed down. We heard the music first. But then your moans and him calling your name over and over echoed throughout the entire apartment. I couldn’t stand it. It was as if he knew we were there and was putting on a show for us. He wasn’t fucking you for enjoyment. He was doing it just to make me jealous. It worked.”
“Oh Tate,” I sighed and raised my hands to reach across the table. He kept his hands on the book.
“That started this whole thing between him and I. We already hated each other, but now it was so much worse. Whenever you weren’t around he was bragging about all the things he was doing to you. Your plans for the future. He wanted to take you away from all of us. Stay in Australia for a while. He was fully prepared to do anything to get you away from me. It killed me.”
My stomach sank. I didn’t want to believe that the man who was so sweet to me just an hour before could do such things, but I knew they were true. Ronny was so up and down.
“I kept telling myself that I had to wait for you to realize he didn’t love you. That you’d see it soon but every day that passed by and you were still with him was just a bit harder than the day before. You had to decide for yourself that he wasn’t the person you wanted to be with,” he said.
I lit up.
“I did! I know it took me longer than it should have but Tate I swear my feelings for Ronny aren’t what they used to be. I don’t love him like that. I love you. Only you,” I exclaimed. He nodded but didn’t seem too enthused.
“I know. I know that, but still, I wasn’t satisfied with just having you, finally. I needed more. I needed to get back at him for what he put me through these last few months.”
I closed my eyes for a long moment, realizing where he was going with this story. He waited until I opened them to continue.
“It started out with snide comments like the ones he used to make. Then an occasional dig about how we are a family and how happy we are all together. I would make a point to talk about our future when he was in the room. It was easy because Dallas likes to play both sides. He’s always asking about you and Cara,” he paused to clear his throat. It was then that he reached for my extended hands. He took them and squeezed.
“Seeing the hurt in his eyes and the sour look on his face every time I mentioned us making a larger family one day or meeting your parents formally only spurred me to keep pushing it further. It made me feel good, hurting him like he had hurt me. And then, my stupid ass had the great idea to make a tape.”
I groaned. Now that people were aware of what we had done, the memory of that night was mortifying. It had been fun in the moment but now all I felt is shame.
“Yeah, it wasn’t my finest hour. At first when I said it, I was only joking. I had never any interest in doing anything like that with anyone, let alone my wife.” He brushed his thumb across my wedding and engagement rings. “But as we cruised around the city the full concept started coming to life. I’d call him, put him on mute, set the phone down, then let him hear all the things we were doing.”
