He nodded and turned around, following directions. The door closed softly, and I broke down so utterly and completely.
I sobbed for hours. I felt like such a failure. It happened again. This had nothing to do with the parking lot. I knew it. I had pushed myself too hard and I caused my body to do this. I had no one to blame but myself for the loss of this child. Tate and mine’s child.
He left a few minutes into my sobbing fit, returning without Cara. He sat on the edge of my bed and held me as I let out my feelings over the loss of what could have been something beautiful. Something that should have happened, had I not been so selfish. I knew that this was because I had wanted to go on tour instead of stay home with the child we had. This was my punishment.
I told Tate that later and he grew angry. He hadn’t spoken much while I was crying. He only held me and kissed the top of my head. Now, he talked.
“No, you can’t think like that. You did nothing. This wasn’t your fault. You started bleeding enough for us to notice after the surgery. You were fine until then. We didn’t even know you were-” his voice cracked and I could hear the heartache in his own voice. “I’m sorry. If I had known then, when he stabbed you, I wouldn’t have dropped you like that to fight him off. I dropped you so hard.” He had been bottling up his emotions and it was finally spilling out. Tears streamed down his face in long, hard lines. He shook his head and apologized again.
“It wasn’t your fault. It really wasn’t. I should have attended to you, rather than try to be a brave guy.”
It was my turn to soothe him. I did my best to scoot over and urged him to lay beside me on the bed. He did so, resting his head lightly on my breasts as we cried together over the loss of what had only been a bundle of cells. It hadn’t had the chance to grow into anything more, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. We should have been parents to it. That was taken from us.
We were left alone until the afternoon. A nurse finally came in and checked on us. The doctor had left her with some pamphlets on grieving after a loss and how my body was going to react to everything. I wanted to throw them away, but I saw Tate stuff them into his back pocket when he thought I wasn’t looking.
“I know it’s hard, but the doctor said you can have visitors at any time now. He wants to keep you for at least three days, so you can get lots of rest. Do you want me to send them down or tell them to go home?”
“They’re all still here? Who is it?” I turned to Tate. His eyes were puffy and red rimmed, much like mine felt. He considered my question.
“Last time I was down there it was your parents, the band, my parents, Blue, some of your uncles, some aunts. I’m not sure, but it was a lot of people. Levon, from the label, has been checking in here and there too.”
Holy shit. All these people were here for me?
“Now, all of those people can’t come at once, but we can send in probably three at a time. Are you ready for that?”
I steeled myself, forcing the tears back. I nodded and Tate sat down beside me in a chair. He reached for my hand and I took it readily. His finger ran over my engagement and wedding rings slowly, as if it was soothing for him.
It was my parents that came in first, along with Blue. My mom ran over to me and practically lifted me from the bed in her attempt to hug me. She was sobbing instantly and asking me if I was okay. I forced myself to not go into full meltdown mode and stick to only a few tears as I told her that I would be. So, they knew about what happened. All of it.
I heard my brother and dad sniffle a few times too. Blue had come in with a vase of pretty blue hydrangeas and set them by the window. Both men didn’t talk much as my mom was full of things to say that was enough for all of them. They all left together, promising to return later. They were then replaced by my bandmates.
Cash, Ronny, and my brother Dallas came in looking almost as upset as Tate and I. All of their faces were covered with a shadow of grief and guilt. I told them they couldn’t have known something like this would happen. A knock on the door from my Uncle Adrian and Uncle Chase made our friends exit quickly, with the intent that they too would be back.
The rest of my family, along with Tate’s parents, each came bearing gifts. Lots of flowers, balloons, chocolates, and my Uncle Derek even handed me a gift card to my favorite sushi place. Tate’s parents were the last to leave. They were switching on and off with my parents in keeping Cara overnight until we were ready to go home.
“I wanted to keep her the whole time, but Cleo and Ethan are adamant about this thing they call, ‘Sharing’,” Gabby turned her face up in mock disgust. “I’ve never had to do that before. I don’t like it,” she laughed.
“Don’t lie,” Shane said. “I’ve seen you share tons of times. You seemed to rather enjoy it.”
Tate and I both groaned in true disgust. I thought my parents were too open about their sex lives, but these two took the cake. It was endearing but disgusting. It definitely lightened the mood.
Towards the end of their rather pleasant visit, Gabby reached for my hand and squeezed it. I looked up at her and saw that her eyes were shiny.
“I’m sorry for your loss, dear. For the record, I think you’re a wonderful mother to Cara, and when it’s your time, you’ll be a wonderful mother to that one too.”
Her words were what I truly needed that day. Out of all the things people had said to me throughout the day, hers were the ones that helped me to start working on accepting and moving forward.
The next day was easier than the one before it. My body was healing alright, although I had a feeling my heart would take a little longer. On the fourth day, the doctor released me with a few prescriptions to help with the remaining soreness and orders to take it easy. That meant no picking up Cara until my staples were taken out. I wasn’t too happy about that, but there was little I could do about it.
Levon came by my apartment when we returned home. The label wanted to make sure that I was going to follow the doctor’s orders so that I could be ready for the brutal schedule coming. They had agreed with my doctor to wait an extra two weeks to join the tour. I wasn’t happy about it, but Levon insisted. He was basically taking over the role as our manager and wanted to make sure we had all the help we needed to prepare for it.I thanked him and promised him that I would do as told. I didn’t want to lose this opportunity just because I couldn’t listen.
Felicia put in her two weeks notice shortly after I returned home. She had told us before that she wasn’t interested in touring with us and she was holding firm to it. We thanked her, and Tate made sure to provide her with a letter of recommendation for her next nanny position. She really was good with Cara, even though she was a little cold to adults.
I wasn’t able to move like I did before the incident. Not right away anyways. It was frustrating. My brain wanted to stay busy and not dwell on the loss of Tate and I’s baby, but my body wasn’t interested in helping. I wanted to run, while I could only walk.
The guys were over pretty often in those last few weeks before the tour. We tried to practice but using my lungs to belt out the songs hurt so bad I had to stop after one song. I let them use the space without me, using the time instead to spend time one on one with Cara.
She was getting so big so fast. Every day her features became more defined. She looked so much like her daddy it was unreal. Her eyes became greener, her hair even more yellow. We’d been accused of putting a wig on her by a stranger at the park once because of how bright and full her hair was.
