‘I don’t know, Dad. Andyoudon’t, either. It might be fine.’
‘What if it’s not?’
She didn’t answer.
‘If it’s not okay with Dodge, I have to then spend the rest of the case riding around in a car with a guy who hates who I am,’ I said. ‘And he won’t keep it a secret. The whole town will know by sunset. We’re fifty years behind out here, Birds. The further you get from Sydney, the further back in time you go. There are places in the outback where I’d be dragged into the street and kicked to death.’
‘You don’t want people to hate you because you’re gay,’ she said. ‘So you make them hate you for being a prick?’
‘I can control being a prick.’
Bridie thought about that. She took out her phone and fiddled with it. Put it on the table in front of her, rotated it slowly, so that the screen faced down. ‘And, like, is that how you see it?’
‘See what?’
‘What happened. That it was you “destroying our lives”?’ Her voice was very small. ‘You said you just “found out” one day. That you were gay. Did you?’
‘I can’t talk about this right now, Bridie.’ I turned around, rubbed my sternum hard with my knuckles, relishing the pain, how it drew me out of the moment. It was a habit I hadn’t indulged in since I was a kid. ‘Iwill. I will talk about it. It’s just … At this very second I’m too revved up.’
‘It’s okay.’
The silence was suffocating. I shifted some things around in the kitchen just to make some noise. ‘Listen, I was thinking,’ I said eventually. ‘You, uh …I’vegot a stack of things to do. I’ve got to make some calls. I’ve got to hold a briefing. You’ll have nothing to do.’
‘I was going to borrow the ’Stang again and go do a pouch check about ten minutes from here. It just came up on the app.’
‘Oh.’ I looked at her. One minute they’re dancing around the lounge room because they picked the right shaped window onPlay School, the next they’re borrowing your Mustang to fish around in the pouches of marsupial roadkill. ‘Well, if there are any more good rescues, can you, uh, save them to do with me?’
‘You can’t really “save” them,’ she said. ‘Not if it’s an emergency.’
‘True.’ I sighed. ‘I’m just missing out on spending time with you.’
‘There are always rescues, though. Always. Especially out here.’
‘Okay.’
‘We’ll catch up properly later,’ she said, with a disbelieving edge to her voice. ‘You’ve got to have dinner some time, right? We’ll just, like, make the most of it then.’
‘Yeah.’ I nodded, enthusiastically. ‘And Bridie, you can … um …’
She waited. I struggled.
‘You can ask me anything you want.’
‘About what?’
‘About anything,’ I pressed. Just when I thought it was getting easier with Bridie, it was hard again. ‘About the break-up. About … what happened that day when Dad and Evan came around the house. And whathadbeen happening, in the years before. You know? Anything. I’m going to answer those questions you just had … about when I knew and … whatever.’
‘You don’t have to.’
‘I know, but I’m going to.’
‘Okay.’
‘Just say, “I have a question for you,” and I’ll answer. Whatever it is.’
She’d turned and was facing me now. I felt like I was up against a wall. Rifles trained on my chest. She opened her mouth and I winced, ready for a bullet. But instead, she said, ‘You can ask me anything you want about who I am, too.’
A shiver ran through me. Right through my guts. Happiness and hope that were so unfamiliar to me they felt like terror. Neither of us spoke for a while, just standing there in the cold sunshine coming through the kitchen window of the marooned houseboat. Father and daughter moving mountains and making eye contact.
