"I know what you're thinking, and it isn't true, Millie. You aren't crazy, and you aren't a fucking burden or whatever else you're trying to convince yourself of. I can feel your wheels turning all the way over here."
"I—" My mouth flounders just like a fish out of water. "I wasn't," I lie.
"That's cute that you think you can lie to me." He doesn't sound the least bit perturbed. No, he sounds amused.
But that can't be right, can it? I don't have to contemplate the answer before he continues.
In a more serious tone than just seconds before, he says, "Tell me what you saw. I want to hear everything, no matter how insignificant or crazy it sounds."
A small amount of the tightness in my chest loosens at his request. And in the back recesses of my mind, I realize hebelieves me. He isn't going anywhere. He isn't running for the hills. I take a deep breath and let go of the fear of sounding out of my mind. I tell himeverything, from the moment I walked into my room until I picked up the phone to text him.
There was surprisingly a lot that I found online. Probably more than I should have been able to, if I'm being honest, but if I've learned anything after tonight, it's if you're determined enough, you can find the answer to just about anything.
Her name was Lucy Harding, and she was seventeen years old when she died.
I cried when I found the news article of reports of a car accident that took the life of one young girl and left the driver paralyzed, a boy that Lucy left a party with. The sheer amount of sorrow that rushed through my body when I stared at the picture for her online obituary had me blubbering, snot running down my face. I couldn't fathom a world where someone so bright,with so much potential, could be taken so soon.
It didn't make sense. None of it did, and it made even less sense that she had to die in order for me to live. An insurmountable amount of guilt flooded my chest as I continued to scour the internet for more information about the beautiful but mysterious girl that saved my life.
Lucy Harding was everything that I was not. Outgoing, Lucy and her best friend, Anna Dunn, were voted most popular by their high school senior class. Smart, she was set to be the valedictorian of her class, a speech she never had the chance to make. Adventurous and giving, she had already gone on several mission trips and had one planned the summer she passed. Her personality was infectious, that much was clear just from the way people talked about her.They loved her.
And she was even more beautiful than my dreams and her ghostly figure betrayed. Her eyes were bright with optimism; her smile was wide and contagious.
She looked so happy. And now she's gone.
That's when I really started to fall apart. It was one thing to have this obtuse and abstract image in your mind. It was an image I could reshape and distance myself from in some ways, playing it off as just my imagination creating a story and a life when there was none. It was a dream state, nothing more. I had tried so hard to convince myself of just that. But it was an entirely different thing to have the real thing staring back at you with vivid clarity; there was no mistaking the truth.
She was real.The fears, the laughter, the smiles. The love.All of it was real.
Silent tears roll down my cheeks as I tell him every bit of it. He listens quietly, never interrupting, and for that I'm thankful. I'm not sure I could get it all out if he did.
Once I'm through, it feels like a huge weight is lifted from my shoulders. I was terrified he would think I was crazy if I gave a voice to it all, and he still might, but I realize in this moment that I don't care.
This is bigger than me or him. This is about a girl that lost her life entirely too soon, and she's hurting. The look on her face right before she disappeared told me as much. I feel an overwhelming connection to her, whether it's from my dreams or from the heart beating in my chest that used to belong to her but now belongs to me, or maybe we're simply kindred spirits, I don't know.
But it also doesn't matter.
"Millie, baby." He sounds as heartbroken as I feel.
My tears turn into sobs as I say, "She didn't deserve this."
"Of course she didn't, but it was out of your control. All of this is." He tries to console me.
His words ignite something deep in my chest. A newfound purpose. "No, but I can make it right," I answer, determined tofulfill the vow I made to her in the middle of the night after looking at picture after picture of a beautiful girl, gone too soon.
"What do you mean by that?" His voice has a tinge of panic in it, like he's scared of my answer.
"I'm going to find her."
"Findwho? Baby, I'm so confused. Lucy?"
I'm shaking my head, but I know he can't see me. "No, Anna."
I finally know what all this is about. What I have to do to make things right. And in doing so, hopefully that will help Lucy and Anna find the peace they so desperately deserve.
When I don't say anything more, I hear him blow out a heavy breath, then he says, "I just need you to not do anything rash or sudden, okay? I'm coming to get you, and whatever it is, we can do it together."
That's exactly what I was hoping he would say, but I had already convinced myself I could do it alone if I had to. Because nothing was going to stop me from finding her. "Okay."
