Prologue
Millie
I’m so tired of the incessant beeping sound. It never goes away, even when I’m not here I still hear it in my sleep. It’s a constant background noise. One that I know means I’m still alive but one that I wish I would never hear again.
“How long will she have to stay this time?” my mom asks my doctor, the one that’s treated me from the beginning.
I tune the two of them out because I know by now it doesn’t matter what he says—it’s always longer. There’s always a“her numbers still aren’t where we want them”or“she’s spiked another fever, we think it’s best if she stays another night.”
Another night turns into two and so on and so forth. I learned a long time ago to not get my hopes up, it only leads to disappointment.
I hear my mother speak in a low, harsh tone just as a nurse comes up beside my bed.“How you feeling, kiddo?”I think she said her name was Susan, but there are so many people that come in and out of my room all day I lose track sometimes.
“Fine,”I answer, my tone solemn.
“Just fine?”
I nod. I’m not much of a talker under normal circumstances, but more so when I have to stay here, caged in the four beige walls that do nothing but keep me alive.
She lifts my arm to check the IV that they put in the crease of my elbow yesterday when I got here, and then she starts to lift my gown before she stops and asks,“Can I check your heart monitor?”
I’m not sure why they bother to ask because I’m pretty sure they would still look even if I told them no, but I appreciate the gesture anyway. I nod once again.
She lifts my gown and makes quick work of checking the little sticky electrodes that they have to put on my chest to make sure the old ticker is still working.
I laugh at myself—old ticker. Dad would get a kick out of that one. Too bad he isn’t here, or I would tell him. Mom would tell me to not joke like that, that it isn’t funny, but Dad? Dad would make a joke right back, telling me that his was older than mine so I better get in line behind him.
“Everything looks good! I’ll be back in an hour. Do you need anything before I go?”
I finally pull my eyes away from the only window in the room and lick my lips.
I glance over at my mom to make sure she’s still talking to Dr. Richards.“You have any chocolate pudding by chance?”I whisper, worried my mom will overhear and tell me no.
She’s always on my case about eating healthy, and most of the time I do, but every once in a while, a girl just needs some chocolate. Everyone knows to go for the pudding in a hospital.
Susan’s eyes light up briefly before she leans forward,“I think I have a stash. I’ll grab you one.”
I smile for the first time today, even though it feels kind of foreign—it feels good,“Thank you.”
Susan nods,“Get some rest. I’ll be back shortly.”
I turn my head and hear the gentle click of the door closing. Then my mom’s at my side. She pushes my light, curly brown hair back from my face before she leans in to give me a kiss on my cheek.
“He said you should only be here a few days this time, Pumpkin.”
A few days. A few weeks. It’s all the same.
“Why don’t you go home, shower, and get dinner, Mom? I know how much you hate the food here.”
Her honey-brown eyes, the same color as mine, search my face.“You don’t want me to stay?”
I shake my head. I know she worries. Kind of hard not to when your kid has needed a new heart since she was fifteen and has had countless surgeries since. the first being at just three days old.
“I’m tired. I think I might take a nap before the next shift comes in and starts the whole poking and prodding ordeal over again.”
Mom sighs. She has dark circles under her eyes again because she never takes time to take care of herself, she’s too busy taking care of me.
I feel immensely guilty that I’m such a burden. I wish more than anything to be whole and healthy, not for me, but for my parents.
