Chapter Twenty-Five
What had he done?
Fuck.
Joaquim nudged Estrella into a trot, eyes on the early morning sun. They’d eaten, showered, piled up on the bed together and… What had he done? What if Balta thought that he wanted someone else? What if Raul thought that he didn’t want him? What if…
Fuck.
He’d woken up, Balta and Raul curled around him, holding him and he’d… Fuck. Just fuck.
He rode until the sun lit up the sky, checking fence, watching the bass in his pond. Thinking. The dogs had come with him, and they set to barking, running off up the hill. When he glanced up, it was Balta, riding one of his geldings, face set in a frown until Balta saw him.
“Joa! I wondered where you were, huh? You okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah. Wanted to see… The land. And stuff.” He pulled his hat down, hiding his face. He was no good at lying to Balta. No one was any good at lying to Balta.
“Uh-huh. Come on,doce. Let’s ride a ways, huh? I brought some water.” Balta nudged the big gelding over next to Estrella, reaching over to pat his thigh.
He tried to find a smile, tried to find the words to apologize to his Balta. “I could have a drink.”
“I made some coffee, too, back at the house. We can have acafezhinoback there soon.” Handing him the water bottle on a strap, Balta smiled like all was right with the world.
“I…I’m so sorry, Balta. I don’t. You are my heart. You know that,sim?” The words just poured out of him, once they started.
Balta glanced over, long moments passing before he nodded. “I know that,namorado. You know I love you more than anything.” Balta laughed. “I love you more than I love me. That’s saying something. What are you sorry for?”
“For… I don’t… For looking at Raul.” For wanting him so badly.
“Oh, Joa. No. No guilt.” Balta reached out and grabbed Estrella’s reins, stopping him. “If you’re upset about what we did, we never have to do it again, but I don’t want you thinking I’m jealous, huh? Or mad. It was hot, no?”
“It was…” It blew his mind. “It was… Balta, I…Sim. It shouldn’t be, should it?” He loved Balta.
“Why not? You like Raul very much. He’s lonely, huh? It doesn’t mean you love me less.” Balta sounded so…reasonable.
“Because it’s wrong.” How many times had they had this talk? For months before he let himself touch his Balta, revel in his demon lover.
“Oh,doce. Nothing is wrong as long as we both know what we’re doing, huh? Do you think Raul doesn’t deserve some happiness?” That big, square hand clenched on Estrella’s lead. “I love you.”
“Sim? You’re not ashamed of me? I should have resisted…” But Raul was… Special. Lonesome. Happy. Beautiful.
“Not a bit.” Those dark eyes sparkled, a tiny smile playing around Balta’s mouth. “How could I resist showing you off?”
“Balta!” He shook his head, lips pursing. “You are a demon.”
“Of course I am. You’re my angel, you know? Come back to the house with me and have coffee. I’ll make you Texas breakfast, huh?” Balta always teased him about the big breakfasts he liked, so unlike the Brazilian coffee and bread and fruit.
“Is Raul…? He is happy, sim?” Happy and hung.
“I left him sleeping,doce. I think he slept better than he has since he came up.” Grinning, Balta let Estrella go and nudged the gelding back toward the house. “We should make sure he doesn’t wake up and think we ran away.”
“Sim. Sim. I…I would not have him hurt. He is a good man.” They headed in, the sun beating down on his shoulders.
“Of course not.You’rea good man, huh? I’m the one who’s not.”
“Bah. You are…Balta.” He waved one hand.
“I am. Which means I’m a demon. You say.” They made their way back to the barn, getting the horses settled, the dogs bouncing around their legs.
