“Oh…” She licked her lips and her smile faulted.
“I have just received word from a business partner. There has been… a development.” He was sure not to look displeased or happy. He spoke to her as if this was nothing more than a business transaction. “Sadly, it requires my immediate attention.”
Her brow furrowed and the smile fell completely. “We can delay the picnic by a few hours, if needed. We are in no rush.”
“This will take more than a few hours, Lucy. The meeting is to take place in London, and while the journey will not take long, the meeting is sure to last all day.” His stomach twisted further so he thought he might be sick. “I know that you had your heart set on this picnic, and I still think that you should go. Only, not with me.”
“That is…” She looked at Marcus as if she did not recognize him. “Can it not be pushed back a day? James is so looking forward to it.”
“The boy is one,” he said simply. “He will not know if I am there or not.”
“That is not the point.”
“No…” He kept his voice level as a growl threatened to creep from his lips. “The point is that I am busy. I was happy to humor you with this picnic nonsense. I was happy to take time out of my day, even if I think the whole thing is foolish. But work comes first, Lucy, it always does, and I do not expect to have to explain myself further than that.”
Marcus could not have said what reaction he expected from Lucy.
Anger, perhaps? He might have liked it if she started to shout at him. He deserved nothing less, and that way he would know that she cared, and where he stood.
Or sadness? How would he feel if she started to cry? Likely worse than he already did, but again, he deserved such things. He did not want to feel good about this, he did not want to feel as if he had won something. Marcus was taking the coward’s way out and he needed to feel rotten.
Rather, what she fixed on him was complete indifference.
She straightened. She looked at him with apathy. The temperature in the room seemed to drop by several degrees so that Marcus started to shake. And then, she shrugged.
“If that is how it must be, then that is how it must be.” She looked him over, that same sense of apathy painting her features; the way one might look at an ant that had crawled onto your shoe. “It is a shame, as it promises to be a wonderful day. But maybe it is best that you do not come, seeing as business is more important. I would hate for us to get in the way.”
She held him in a final look. It was dispassionate, it was empty, and it felt like she had twisted that knife already lodged into Marcus’ chest.
Lucy turned and walked to the door then, where she paused and turned back a final time. “Perhaps it is lucky that James is only one. It looks as if his father’s absence is something he ought to get used to, so better to start early.”
It was a slap across the face, and it took Marcus all the control he had not to cower back. Rather, he looked at her without emotion, as if her words had no effect on him whatsoever.
It was only once she was gone that Marcus reacted.
He slunk down in his chair. He clutched his chest. He withdrew inside of himself, the walls of his office closing in as the ceiling collapsed to bury him.
I did the right thing… the only thing… this is who I am… Lucy with thank me for it one day, as will James.
He repeated those words, needing to believe them.
Typically, they would not take. And so, there Marcus sat, alone, feeling wretched, and hating himself for hurting the one person in this world who actually cared for him…. who had once cared for him, because he doubted that she did anymore. Truly, Marcus did not deserve such things, nor would he ever.
* * *
It was late in the evening when Marcus returned home from his business meeting.
He slunk inside, doing his best to remain quiet, praying that Lucy had gone to bed so that he would not have to face her. In fact, if he had his way, he might never face her again. Impossible, he knew, but that just spoke to how ashamed he was of his actions.
I had hoped that a day spent working might clear my conscience, that it might remind me of who I am and why I acted the way that I did. Typically, it only made me feel worse…
Why was he this way? He knew the answer, but that did not mean it was justified. That did not mean that hewantedit. But the thought of changing who he was, of trying in this marriage as well as at being a father, filled him with fear the likes of which he had never known.
That, and he was stubborn to a fault. Having lived this way for so long, he could not conceive things changing for him. What was more, he did not think that he deserved them to.
Lucy will be happier for it. James will be happier for it. Let me be the villain, let me be the monster. One day, they will understand.
So it was that he snuck across the foyer silently, his heart thumping as he listened for movement within the townhouse. He reached the staircase and slowly started up each step, with the intent of reaching bed, scurrying himself away, and spending the rest of night in a state of mourning and self-pity
