Didn’t know a lot of things until these past few months.
She cried and cried until I couldn’t take anymore and I would have rather cut off my own fucking ears than listen to my own woman crying anymore because of me. Again. God-fucking-damn it, I wished I could take it all back. Wished I could make it all go away. But I couldn’t. The pain that lived in me was as fresh that day as it had been six months before. If anything, it was more so.
“I’m sorry, baby,” I whispered against her hair, my hands running down her back.
“So stop it, Jesse, just stop doing it,” she finally pleaded, her words coming out between hicuppy sobs. Her body was tense and unmoving, not loving and soft like usual, and I kissed the top of her hair and breathed in her scent, willing her to forgive me.
“I will, I promise I will. Never again, I swear, Laney,” I begged and pleaded. “Just give me another chance, baby.”
I continued to stroke my hands up and down her back, my fingers tangling through her long hair until finally I felt her soften in my grip. I held her against my chest, feeling my T-shirt damp with her tears, and then I held onto her arms but pulled her away from my chest so I could look her in the eyes. It was like a thousand needles stabbing me in the heart, seeing the hurt on her beautiful face.
Her pain was the only thing that made me feel a damn thing anymore.
“I love you, Jesse—”
“I love you too, so much, baby, I—”
“Then stop breaking my heart before you kill me,” she pleaded.
Tears trailed out of the corners of her eyes and blazed tracks down her cheeks and I reached over and wiped them away with my thumbs, stroking down the side of her face. I dropped my gaze from hers, feeling the familiar shame flood through me.
Shame and guilt and anger. They were the feelings that I had lived and breathed for the past six months. They were my air, my sustenance; they were what kept me awake late at night. And I felt them like a mantra in my skull.
Shame.
Guilt.
Anger.
All the love had gone. Doused out by the waves of those three other emotions. There was nothing good left inside of me. Only darkness.
Laney’s hand reached up to touch my cheek, and I looked back at her and she leaned in and kissed me softly, soothing me from the outside in.
“I know you’re hurting, baby, I get that. But you can’t keep doing this and expect us to stay the same. It doesn’t work like that,” she cooed as her kisses moved from my mouth to my cheek. “It can’t work like that.”
One hand gripped her hair, tilting her face up as I jerked her mouth to mine, possessing her as my tongue stroked along hers and she sighed, her body relaxing. Her hands moved over my body, stretching over each hard muscle and tattoo I had. I laid her backwards on the bedroom floor, the new carpet we’d had laid only months ago still soft underneath her as I pushed up her ratty AC/DC T-shirt to reveal her perfect breasts.
Her hands reached down between us but I batted them away, pulling them up above her head and pinning her in place with my body. I tilted my head and kissed along the side of her neck and jaw, feeling her chest rise and fall as she panted underneath me. I shoved one knee between her legs and pushed her thighs apart, settling myself into my favorite fucking place in the world. She stared up at me, a pleading, needy look in her beautiful eyes, and I pressed a hand between us. Finding her panties already soaked, I slid them down her legs and then pressed my hand to her, feeling her arch her back against me, wanting to get closer to me, wanting to feel me inside her. I slid a finger in and she gasped. I leaned over and took the breath from her mouth, kissing her forcefully as I pushed another finger inside, wanting to taste her so bad but needing to be inside her more.
I pressed a third finger inside and she groaned against my mouth, her body clenching around me as my thumb circled her clit and she moaned loudly. My jeans were already undone and I let go of her hands to push them down, freeing myself of the restraint of clothing as I settled between her thighs, my cock nudging her opening where my fingers were working her.
Laney’s back arched as my fingers sped up, and her back arched as she chased her climax. I pulled my hand out of the way and replaced my fingers with my cock, pushing inside of her and forcing her to tumble to the other side as her orgasm gripped her and her body squeezed me. She cried out, her body clinging to me as I pounded into her, chasing my own high.
I sighed as I looked down on her goddamned beautiful body, knowing how fucking lucky I was to have her in the first place—never mind after all the times I’d hurt her with my asshole ways. I leaned over and took her nipple in my mouth, sucked it softly and then harder before biting it just hard enough to feel her arch her back in response. I slid into her over and over as I cupped her other breast, pulling on the nipple until she gasped in pleasure, forgiving me over and over with her little sighs and moans.
She looked at me, her face blotchy and red from all the crying she’d been doing, and I squeezed my eyes closed, hating myself for what I was doing to her. Hating myself so much for everything that had happened.
“Hey, come back to me,” she whispered, her hands stroking up my chest and across my shoulders.
I opened up my eyes as she wrapped her legs around mine and pulled me tighter against her. She draped her arms around my neck before pulling my mouth back to hers as I rocked back and forth into her, slowly, taking my time, showing her how much I fuckin’ loved her with every thrust of my hips.
I felt her start to tighten around me, her mouth opening in a silentOas she dropped her head back and closed her eyes. I sped up, holding her hips almost painfully as she cried out loudly, her body exploding around me for a second time. I plunged into her harder, keeping pace and hitting her deep as her body continued to shudder around me. And then I brought myself home, riding the wave that was Laney until I could barely see straight, never mind fucking breathe.
I lay down next to her, cradling her small body in my arms, pulling her closer and closer until it felt like we were one person, and then I fell back to sleep. Happy that she’d given me this last chance.
Happy that I hadn’t totally fucked things up between us, yet.
But not truly happy, because I didn’t think I could ever truly be happy.
I knew I’d hurt her again.
Knew I’d ruin the last fucking good thing in my life.
And knowing that there was fuck all I could do about it, because not even Laney could end the torment I suffered.
The torture that I deserved.
