She sat up and looked down at the floor too. “What? What is it?”
“Ithink the gates of hell just opened up, because that’sthe only explanation for us agreeing on anythin’.”
Jolie laughed, and then Ilaughed because her laugh was fuckin’ infectious. Iopened another beer and then leaned back in my chair, my right ankle balanced on the knee of my left leg. The room fell silent as we watched the movie, completely engrossed for the next forty-five minutes, until Goose died.
“Ihate this part,” Iadmitted. That part always reminded me of my brother. In fact, the whole damn movie reminded me of him, but that part in particular always cut me up.
“Me too,” she replied, and when Ilooked over Inoted that her eyes were glassy and red. “He feels so bad, and then that makes me feel bad for him because he will never get over it. Like, how can he ever really get over that?”
“Shit happens and you either survive it or it kills you,” Ireplied, matter of fact. Iexpected her to give me shit for my response, but she didn’t; instead she nodded in agreement. She was silent for amoment before she spoke again, and when she did, her words shocked me.
“It’smy fault that Marcel got into drugs, you know,” she admitted bluntly. “That he’sso screwed up and is likely going to die of adrug overdose one day.”
Ifrowned at her. “What do you mean?”
Jolie swallowed and looked down at her lap. “Iintroduced him to the girl who introduced him to the dealer and drugs. Iwas friends with them all first, and we used to all get high together; just weed, you know how it is. Then when they moved on to other stuff—heavier stuff—Isaid no, but Marcel…” She shook her head and lifted the bottle of beer to her lips, drinking half of it in long swallows. “Hereallyliked the girl, and she really wanted to try other stuff, and he never could say no to apretty face.” She laughed but there was nothing funny about it.
“That shit isn’ton you, Jolie.” Ireached over and gripped the bottom of her chin and forced her to look at me. “Marcel, he made his choices, good or bad. They were his, and only his to make.”
We stared at one another for afinite amount of time, just figuring shit out about each other by looking in each other'seyes, and it was the weirdest and most intense thing ever, but Icouldn’tseem to look away. It felt like I’dbe letting her down if Idid. Like everyone always looked away from her because they couldn’tstand to see her. And that shit felt too raw right then. Icouldn’tbe someone else who looked away from her. She needed to know that Iwas seeing her. There was so much pain in her eyes, and Icould see why she was so fucking hard on the outside, why she fought everything and everyone. Isaw all the fucked-up thoughts she had in her head that she wanted to control and contain, but she was fucking running from herself, and if there was anything Iknew, it was that there was no running from yourself.
You have to know yourself.
You have to own yourself.
Because if you don’t, you’ll be running for the rest of your life.
Ihad learned that lesson the hard way.
“Jolie—”
“It’sfine,” she said, shrugging her face free from my grip. “I’mfine. Let’sjust watch the movie.”
She faced the TV again, her expression blank. Iwanted to say more to her. Iwanted to make her feel better, to take away some of the pain she had, but Iwasn’tsure how to do that. I’dnever been agentle man or aman to give epic speeches, but Ifelt like now, more than any other time in my life, Ineeded to step up. So Itried again.
“You are not to blame for someone else'sbad decisions, Jolie,” Isaid, needing my words to reach her. To sink into her bones so she believed them. I’dlived with guilt for so long, but I’dnever seen it so clearly and painfully on someone else’sface. So Isaid to her what Iknew to be true, yet hadn’tever fully accepted myself. “It sure as shit isn'tyour responsibility to fix them. That’son them and only them.”
“Iknow that,” she replied, but neither of us believed her. “It’sjust, Iwant to. Iwant to fix him and make it right. Iwant him to go back to being my big brother that was good at drawing manga and wanted to go to France one day and see where our mom grew up, and not this…and not the ghost he becomes when he’shigh and fucked up.”
Iturned in my seat so Icould see her better. The lights were low and the shadows danced across her face, making her sadness palpable.
“They all blame me,” she said, and when she chanced alook at me Icould feel something inside me break for her.
“Well Idon’t,” Ireplied firmly and honestly. “Idon’tblame you because it’snot your fault. It’shis. It’sMarcel’s.”
“You really believe that?” she asked, and she was all softness now. Not ahard edge in sight. Jolie was apebble that had been beaten smooth by the ocean. She was vulnerable and wide open like abook.
“Iknow it, Jolie. And if Iever hear anyone blamin’ you for that shit, I’ll fuckin’ end them.”
And Imeant it.
And she knew Imeant it.
Jolie looked at me, and Ifelt untethered. For the second time in my life Ifelt vulnerable, but this time, instead of panicking and covering it up, Ilet go. Ilooked back at her and let her see me too.
And then it was like all the air was sucked out of the room. And then the room was gone and the chairs were gone and the TV was gone and it was just me and Jolie and ablack void that we were floating in as we stared at one another, my words and her words embedding themselves inside us.
“You’re not as tough as you make out, you know,” she finally said, dragging us back into the room and back into our chairs.
Ismirked. “Yeah Iam.”
And then we drank our beers and kept on watching the movie in silence.
At some point she rested her head on my shoulder, and Ididn’tsay anything to stop her. Iwanted her to move because it couldn’thave been comfy and because the scent of her shampoo was driving me crazy, but Ialso didn’twant to move either. Iliked having her so close to me. Iliked the trust that she so obviously had in me. It had been along time since I’dfelt that trust from anyone other than my brothers at the club, and it felt kinda nice.
Ihuffed out aheavy breath and stayed still and silent, my eyes firmly on the TV but my mind elsewhere.
Jolie eventually fell asleep with her head on my shoulder, and then Ifell asleep too. And for the first time in years, it was peaceful.
No bloodshed, no screaming, just sweet fuckin’ silence.
