JOLIE
Ihad no right being such abitch with Gauge that morning, but it was kinda hard not to be when I’dtaken so much comfort in his presence throughout the night. I’dwoken up several times, with the cold chill of invisible hands moving over my body and the whisper of voices in my head until finally, the last time, Ihad given up being strong and had crawled to the bottom of my bed just so Iwas closer to him and any protection he might be able to offer me. And that was the thing with Gauge. Something that Iloved and hated in equal measures. Hedidmake me feel protected, whether he meant to or not.
I’dwoken up before him that morning to Louie calling my name in the hallway, and when I’dopened the door, he’dtaken in my disheveled appearance and come to his own presumptions about me and Gauge. It wasn'tthe first time that he’ddone that and it certainly wouldn’tbe the last. And, in fairness to Louie, Icouldn’tblame him entirely for the way he saw me; I’dgiven that expectation for the past couple of years. I’dkissed half his friends just to piss him off, then I’ddropped out of school entirely, taken the job at Hazy Nights, and well, the rest is, as they say, history.
Yet hearing the way he spoke about me to Gauge…for the first time Iwas embarrassed and alittle ashamed. Igave off the vibes that Iwas avixen and amaneater. That Ididn’tcare what anyone thought of me. Yet deep down, of course Icared. The maneater vibe was for my protection. The bitchy attitude was for protection. The “don’t” care aesthetic that made up my life… It was all to protect my already bruised heart. Only Iwas never going to admit that to anyone.
Ihad seen how men could and would act when they didn’tget their own way, and Ihad built my walls up high to protect myself ever since. Ihated that Ididn’tneed to do that with Gauge. That even if Idid do that, it didn’tchange how he looked at me, or how he treated me. Icould be strong and feisty or Icould be broken and weak and he still treated me like Iwas someone that he would protect at all costs.
But worst of all, Iliked it.
Iliked how he made me feel.
Iliked that Icould relax around him. That my barriers were dropped and Icould just breathe without screaming. Without finding fault in every single thing. Iliked how Gauge made me feel, and that was avery dangerous thing. Feeling anything meant Iwas going to get hurt.
Dread curled around me as Imade my way downstairs, wondering how Gauge would look at me now after Louie’sbarb against my promiscuity.
Wear two condoms…
Iwas an embarrassment to Louie and everyone else in the family, and that should have been enough to stop me in my tracks and make me try to turn my life around. Yet all Idid was dig my heels in more. Let them think Iwas awhore; Iknew the truth.
If it would have been any other time of day Iwould have got dressed and headed straight out to look for Marcel, but there was only one major rule in the Durrand house and that was that you didn’tskip breakfast. No matter if we all hated each other and didn’ttalk, if you were under the Durrand roof, you came down and you ate breakfast with Mom.
It was the only rule Ihadn’tbroken, because some rules were sacred.
Istopped just outside the kitchen. Icould already hear Mom in there plating up food and pouring juice, the small radio was playing something French in the corner, and the sounds and smells brought back memories of my childhood, before everything had gone to hell.
Gritting my teeth and lifting my chin, Istrode into the kitchen. Mom and Louie were sitting at the small round kitchen table, plates of food in front of them. Two other places had been set, and Inoted that Gauge wasn’tthere. Igrabbed my plate and threw two croissants and some fruit onto it before sitting down. Mom poured me acoffee from the silver carafe and Inodded my thanks. The sun was shining, the warm rays pouring in through the open back door, bringing with it the sweet smell of petunias and azaleas from the backyard.
Everything seemed so normal.
Everything should have been normal.
But things weren’t, and they hadn’tbeen for along time.
We sat in silence, just the three of us. Mom drank her coffee, her food going untouched. Louie ate with haste, as usual, always so eager to get to the school that he was king of, and me nibbling on bits of food to make my mom at least not worry that Iwas wasting away.
Gauge’sbody suddenly filled the doorway, darkening the kitchen, the scent of smoke and leather and something that was just so plainly Gauge filling the air and ridding the kitchen of the sweet smell of flowers. Mom looked startled; Louie didn’tacknowledge him in any way. But me, Ifelt relieved at the sight of him, like Imight finally have an ally.
“Stop blocking the sun and sit down,” Isnapped with aroll of my eyes.
Gauge cleared his throat and came to sit down, his jaw ticking in annoyance at my constant bitchiness, and Istruggled to contain my smile at that. Iwatched his gaze move to Louie, who was looking down at his food with asmirk as he chewed.
Mom took Gauge’splate and stood up, filling it with plenty of food, and then she put it in front of him.
“Dévorer,” she said before picking up the carafe and pouring him acup.
Gauge was still staring at Louie, who was still smirking and shaking his head as he stared at his food. The whole thing was growing increasingly uncomfortable. Which wasn’tto say that most morning weren’talready uncomfortable—just that this one was even worse than usual.
“That food look funny to you, boy?” Gauge asked, and my gaze shot to Louie.
Louie finished chewing before wiping his mouth with his napkin and dropping it on the table. He leaned back in his chair, meeting Gauge’sstare head on.
“Why’dyou ask?” Louie drolled.
“Because you’ve been laughing at it since Iwalked in here. Just making sure it’sthe food that you find so funny and not me, because there would be—” Gauge glanced at my mom and then back to Louie. “Let’sjust say I’dtake issue over one of those things.”
Louie stood up, placing ahand on Mom’sshoulder to still her when she started to speak. He looked between me and Gauge like he had adeath wish, like Gauge wasn’tsomeone to be feared, and Ihad to give it to my brother: he had balls.
