Alexander sighed, his hands running through his hair again. I took a step back from him, giving him the space he seemed to need. He frowned and closed the gap just as quickly as I’d made it.
“You can’t die. I won’t live without you.”
Hearing the Bratva prince say he couldn’t survive if I was gone was thrilling, and sobering. And it meant, maybe, just maybe, he loved me as much as I loved him.
“I love you, Alex. I love you so much, and I know that this seems crazy given we barely know one another, but you need to know that this was more than just sex for me. So much more.” I backed away from him again to lean against the wall. I needed to be supported. With every second, I felt like my will to live was slipping away. If the floor below me shifted into water, I’d not fight the tide. I’d let it pull me further and further from this life. And I could hope that I’d end up on some island far away where no one could hurt me. My parents would be alive there. Dad with his jokes and scratchy beard. Mom with her burned pizza and bottle blonde hair. We’d be a family again.
I blinked away tears, and when that didn’t work, I swiped the back of a hand across my eyes. Vision still blurry, I stared at Alexander. And he stared back at me almost blankly, all the anger washed away, none of his tenderness towards me showing. He didn’t feel the same way. I was wrong.I was always wrong.
“I’m sorry. I needed to say it. I know that I’m a mess. I’ve got so much baggage… I’d never ask you to ruin your life. Not for me. I’m sorry.” I found an ounce of courage and I pushed my body away from the wall, and it felt like the world swayed beneath me. “I’m sorry, Alexander. It’s okay. I’ll be okay. Go home. God, what your parents must think about you being here helping the daughter of betrayers.”
As I passed him, Alexander reached out and took my hand to stop me. I tilted my head down, the tears unstoppable. Salty wetness dampened my lip. More stinging. Insult to injury.
“I’ve never loved anyone, Marisha. Hell, if I’m being completely honest with you, I’ve never even had a long-term relationship. I’m a drive by fuck. A string of pathetic one-night stands. Once the sex starts costing something, I’m out.”
“You don’t have to tell me all this. We had our thing. It was wonderful. But I understand it needs to be done.”
It really didn’t matter. Not anymore.
If we stayed together, Ivan would kill me. If we broke up, Ivan would still kill me. He knew I’d been seeing someone, but he didn’t need to know it was the Vasiliev heir. I wouldn’t ruin Alexander's life the way I’d ruined mine.
“You can’t leave me, Marisha. I told you, I won’t live without you.”
“Alexander, you don’t love me, and that’s okay. Honestly, it’s better if you just leave. Just leave and forget about me.” I tried to pull away from him, but his grip around my hand only tightened.
“I. Won’t. Live. Without. You.” He punctuated each word, full of heat and longing. His display of neutrality was gone. “I love you, Marisha. I love you so much that it fucking hurts.” He slammed his fist against his chest to prove a point. “I want what my parents have. I want someone to hold when times are tough. Someone who will call me out on my shit when I’m being an asshole, bear my children, and grow old with me. I wantyou, Marisha, only you.”
“Your parents will never let you—,”
“My mother told me what happened at the fundraiser. She asked if I loved you, and she told me to come get you, Marisha. She told me to bring you home.”
“Home?” Mouth trembling, knees weak, I stumbled and my mind tried to dissect his words. They couldn’t be real.
He wasn’t real.
I didn’t deserve a white knight to swoop in and save me.
“I don’t deserve it, Alexander. I don’t.” My throat tightened and everything just suddenly seemed too much. For no reason that I could figure out, I balled my fists and hit him in the chest. Over and over, I hit him. I wasn’t gentle, and I couldn’t stop. The more I hit him, the more I wanted to hit him. And he just stood there and took it. He let me abuse him, until finally I felt emotionally spent, and I sunk against his body and sobbed. I was that hollowed-out balloon again, but this time all the rancid air of the past years, all the awful memories, had escaped through the now untied rubber neck. Deflated, but also released of pain.
“It’s okay, Marisha,” he soothed, tracing his fingers through my hair. “It’s over and I’ll see to it that he’ll never fucking hurt you again.”
Blinking up at him, his strong arms holding me upright, I forced myself to believe him. Believe that tomorrow morning I was going to wake up with him in the Vasiliev household, safe and truly wanted by a man, and able to heal.
He smiled down at me softly, the expression reaching his eyes. “Is there anything you need before we go? Because once you leave here, you’re never coming back.”
“I was panicked and trying to pack.” I stuttered out the words. “But I don’t want anything of his. I don’t want anything he’s touched.”
“Fine.” He hugged me, arms now wrapping around my waist and lifting me up on tiptoes. “Then let’s go.”
He began leading me towards the ornate stairs, but I stopped in my tracks. “Wait. I do need something. I can’t leave without it. I’m so sorry. Just a second.”
Making my way back to the master bedroom, I quickly beelined for my jewelry box. Opening it, I dug through the contents, pushing diamonds and platinum aside until I found the only thing that was really mine.
My mother’s gold hair pen. The bird with emerald eyes. One emerald eye now. I hadn’t had a chance to get it fixed and I didn’t see the loose stone. I kept digging, tossing aside hundreds of thousands of dollars in rings and earrings and tennis bracelets. All the gifts given by Ivan to bandage the bruises on my body. To show off his new wife to the world. They were costume jewelry to me; they meant nothing, just like I was to him.Nothing.Baubles that I’d sooner throw in the trash than ever wear again.
Eventually, heart heavy, I gave up on the second emerald. I wished I could take my vanity as well, but it was too large. The hair pin had to be enough, to carry the love of my parents with me.
I was moving back towards the hall when I heard the distinct sound of a door opening and closing. I walked faster, breathing a sigh of relief when I found Alexander still out in the hallway waiting for me.
