She took a deep breath and turned around, offering him a half-smile that didn’t reach her eyes. She didn’t want to smile, not even this fake half smile that she was giving him now, but she had to do something to make him leave her alone. Perhaps a half smile would make him go back to ignoring her. She was wrong though.
The man winced. “Oh, you’re still pissed at me,” Mark laughed playfully. His own arms were laden down with various items she noticed, snack foods of various styles. “I really am sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was going, trying not to drop everything, you know?” He grinned and shrugged, an attempt at gesturing towards the food in his arms.
His smile was infectious, lighting up his whole face and revealing a dimple on the left side. His hair was light brown and choppy, long layers swept back from his forehead. He noticed her stare and blew from the corner of his mouth to shift some of the hair out of his eyes.
“It needs cutting, I know.” He winked.
Delores cheeks felt hot. “It looks fine. And it’s okay, about the water. It doesn’t matter, accidents happen.” She began to turn back around but Mark continued to talk.
“Sorry, I have a bad habit of talking to strangers. It comes with the territory I guess.” He nodded ahead to signal that it was her turn to be served.
“Thanks,” she mumbled, wondering what his comment meant. Delores placed her items on the counter and then asked for a map and two bottles of aspirin. Delores paid, and the assistant bagged everything up for her. She smiled as she passed Mark and headed back out to her car.
Delores placed the map on the hood of her car and worked out her route. She cursed when she realised that she had actually taken a longer route than necessary, but was glad that she finally had the map to refer to and avoid more mistakes. If only life was like that. A road guide, one to keep her from going the wrong way and doing terrible things…
After picking out which way she wanted to go she began to fold the map back up, finding that she couldn’t quite fold it in the same way it had opened. Its sharp edges were now crumpled in, harsh creases where they were none previously. Her head was thudding with an almost blinding pain. The day seeming too bright for her eyes to take in properly. She reached into the bag and grabbed the aspirin, before shaking two out and swallowing them down quickly.
It was still hot, the air thick and hard to swallow, but at least under the gas station canopy she was shielded from most of the heat. She dragged the back of her hand across her forehead and gave up on trying to fold the map neatly, instead wishing the tablets would kick in so she could be on her way.
“Hi again.”
She looked up into the face of Mark and frowned. He held a coffee out towards her, whilst clutching another one for himself.
“Peace offering.” He nodded towards the coffee with another one of his charming smiles, his hair flopping over one eye once more.
“I told you it was fine,” Delores snapped and turned back around. She began stuffing the map into her purse, feeling frustrated and uncomfortable.
“Here, let me.” Mark reached out and he gently took the troublesome map from her with a soft smile. His deft fingers worked the now screwed up map and carefully folded it back up. He handed it to her and then bent down and picked back up the two coffees he’d placed by his feet.
She watched him begin to walk away, guilt filling her. She didn’t like the feeling of guilt, she already felt so much of it. It filled her to the brim, threatening to explode out at any moment, the emotion strangling her alongside the constant ache of sadness and misery.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly, and then louder. “I’m…I’m sorry.” He turned and looked at her unsure. “I’m not normally that rude,” she explained nervously. She couldn’t hold his stare. She didn’t want him to look into her eyes. He would see everything in them, she knew he would. She looked down at her feet.
He smiled and walked back, offering up the coffee again. “I didn’t know if you wanted sweetener and creamer, so I got them separate for you.”
She took the coffee from him as he groped in his jacket pocket for what she assumed was the creamer and sweetener.
“Black is fine,” she said softly.
He stopped rooting and looked up to her. “Oh, okay then.” He scratched the back of his head. “My mom used to drink black coffee.”
“Oh,” she replied emptily, not sure what else to say to the comment. She never was much good at small talk. It always seemed so pointless. She didn’t want to know his story, and she certainly didn’t want him to know hers. This whole conversation was pointless in her eyes.
“That was a bit lame, wasn’t it?” he grinned again the smile making her reciprocate without her realising. “It wasn’t a pick-up line or anything. Just in case you thought it was.”
Delores flushed, embarrassed again and looked away, because she hadn’t thought that it was, but now he had mentioned it, she realised that it did in fact sound like just that. The coffee was hot in her hand, making her fingers burn from holding it, but a part of her enjoyed the pain, relished in it. She clutched the coffee harder, feeling the burn going deeper. Delores stared at her hand, willing it too hurt more.
“Do you, umm, do you want to go and sit over there and drink your coffee? Sit next to me maybe?” Mark asked, one hand scratching the back of his neck again. “I mean, you don’t have to or anything.” He shrugged, looking just as uncomfortable as she was.
He was around the same age as her, she noticed. But he seemed so much more carefree, as if tragedy had never struck him, and freedom was in his lungs. That was probably true she realised. Most people didn’t have to suffer loss and pain until much later in life. He breathed in freedom and she was suffocating in captivity.
“You don’t have to. I mean, I could just head off if you like. Leave you to it.” He added on politely. “But I’d like to sit with you, if that’s okay.”
She checked her watch, staring at it longer than necessary. She didn’t want to sit and have coffee with someone. She didn’t want to talk to anyone. She didn’t want to accept someone’s kindness. She hated this, hated small talk and all that it was associated with. But her head was so painful; the pain vibrant behind her eyes, she knew it wouldn’t be safe to drive. The blinding brightness of the sun and the lingering thud of pain in her temples was worse right now than it had been before.
The pain reminded her of the times she had been on and off her medication, and how her body struggled to adjust and get accustomed to it. But she knew that it wasn’t the same. That it couldn’t be. She’d not changed her meds in a long time. No, this pain was her own doing.
“Please?” he asked, breaking into her thoughts.
