I kiss the top of her head, confused by my own gesture. It’s so far from who I am. “You did once. In fact, I do believe you said you would always hate me.”
She laughs a little and sits up, her eyes finding mine. “I never really hated you, Samuel. I hated me. I hated our parents. But mostly, I hated that I wasn’t enough for you. But I never hated you.”
Jesus fucking Christ. She thought she wasn’t enough for me. I shake my head. “You were always enough for me, Patience, that’s why I fucking ran from you. I felt something in that one kiss that I’d never felt in my life, and it scared the shit out of me. I was a coward.”
You’re still a coward.
“I’m not going to lie; your words that night stung. You ruined our friendship. You took something from me that I didn’t even realize I’d come to depend on, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it had to happen.”
“Why’s that?” I ask, genuinely curious.
“Because like you said; this was where we were always supposed to end up. Here, together. Maybe we had to go through all that stuff to get us to the right place for us to work.” She shrugs like it’s that simple. “So, now will you tell me what’s going on?”
I frown and look away, dragging my hands down my face. But I have to tell her. I have to take that leap of faith, or I’ll never be free.
“I have to get away from my father,” I say with a heavy heart. “I have to get Sabella and I away from him and his family.”
“Why?” she asks. “Is it really that bad?”
I give a dark laugh. “You have no idea.”
“I remember the nanny,” she says, her hand gently laying on my arm.
Of course she does. I drag a hand through my hair, not wanting to talk about this shit, but I decide to anyway. If she’s ever going to consider my offer, she needs to understand the stakes. “He hates us. Mainly me. I fight against him constantly and I don’t accept his rules.”
“That just sounds like you’re some spoiled brat.” She frowns.
I pause and take another deep breath. Neither he nor I have ever said the words out loud, but I know they’re true. “He blames us for her death. He thinks we killed her.”
She looks horrified and disgusted. “Sam—”
“Don’t. Don’t tell me he doesn’t. You don’t see him. The way he speaks to us. The way he refuses to talk about her. He hates us because we killed her, and he’s right, we did—I did. It was my fault, Patience. I broke her when I was being born and she lost too much blood. She never woke up, and it was my fault.”
“Oh God, Sam, you were just babies! It wasn’t your fault.” Her eyes are damp as she tries not to cry. “Is that what you really think? What you’ve thought all these years, that you killed her?”
I reach over and wipe the tear trailing down her cheek. “There’s so much more to it, Patience. You can’t even begin to understand.”
“So help me to, please,” she begs.
I swallow and look away from her. “Growing up, he was always working away. It was like he couldn’t bear to be in the same house as us so he just worked and worked and worked. We had live-in nannies all the time, but they never lasted. He’d hire them, then go away for months at a time, come back, fuck them, fire them and then hire someone new.”
“That sounds messed up,” she replies.
“It was. But the worst part was that they hated Sab and I.”
“Sam,” she scoffs. “You think everyone hates you.”
“Yeah, well they did. They’d be cruel to us, Patience. Each new nanny had their own special way of showing us that they wanted us out of the picture. That they knew that if it weren’t for us, our father would have stuck around and they would have had a real chance at becoming the next Mrs. Gunner.” I shake my head and drag my hands down my face.
“They wouldn’t have even had a job if it weren’t for you and your sister,” she says, finally sounding angry for us.
“I know that, but they clearly couldn’t see that. Each one of those bitches had their own way of showing us we were nothing. That we were unloved and unwanted. Some would be physical, pinching us where the marks couldn’t be seen. Or taking our favorites toys away. others were worse, telling us how little we meant to the world. How no one would care if we were gone. I quickly learned that sitting and putting up with it didn’t stop them, so I began lashing out, making sure that their attention was on me. I took all of their jealousy and anger so that they’d leave Sabella alone.”
Patience is quiet and I turn to look at her. Tears are pouring down her face, her eyes filled with so much pity it makes me feel nauseous.
“And he did nothing to stop it?” she asks quietly.
He let out a dark laugh. “He never even noticed it was going on, but the nannies always had great satisfaction in telling me all the dirty little things he did to them. It was their way of showing me that they meant more to him than I did.” I sigh. “I tried to tell him once, but he refused to listen. I guess I was fucked up by then and was constantly in trouble, so it sounded like bullshit.”
