I’m suffocating on my own misery and disappointment.
I stagger away from the car, falling to my knees before standing back up. My clothes are soaked through and clinging to my body by the time I’m at my mom’s grave. I sit down, and put my head in my hands, not finding the usual comfort from being here. The flowers I laid last week are dead, dried up, and freshly soaked through—just like me. I pull them out of the vase, feeling guilty for not bringing new ones with me. I know it’s stupid and I shouldn’t feel guilty because she doesn’t care.
She’s dead.
She can’t see the flowers I lay here each week, or hear the words I speak, or see my actions—the way I try to defend her honor, or protect Sabella. We’re the children of the damned, and she doesn’t know, or care, because she’s fucking dead.
I stand up, needing to be away from here—away from her and her unforgiving arms that give me no love. But I don’t know where else to go or what to do. Home doesn’t seem like an option right now, because who knows what I’ll do if Maxwell starts tonight. I’m a loose cannon waiting to explode. I can feel it in my chest, the swelling of anger and pain and bitter disappointment.
I walk back to my car, feeling lost, but my anger is all burned up. When I get to my car, Sebastian and Sloth are there.
“How did you find me?” I ask, my jaw clenching.
Sloth is smoking a joint, and he hands it to me. I take it instantly, feeling better as the weed hits my system.
“Pride said you handed in your coin,” Sebastian says, his usual jittery nature absent for once.
Sloth throws him a confused look. “He said you might need our help. He didn’t mention your coin.”
“Didn’t he?” Sebastian replies without hesitation.
I swallow, feeling sick to my stomach. “I couldn’t do it,” I admit, because what’s the point in denying it? It is what it is now. “I like her.”
Shit.
“I really like her.” I flinch at my own words.
“For the man with no heart, you sure seem to have a deep well of affection for this girl,” Sebastian replies with a cocked eyebrow.
“Who says I don’t have a heart?” I bite out.
Sebastian laughs like my question is a joke, which only angers me further.
Sloth leans back against the driver’s door. “You got a new task yet?”
“Jesus, what is it with these fucking tasks?” I grumble. “I’m so sick of all the threats and promises, the glory and the destruction. It’s all fucking bullshit.”
Sebastian nods. “Yeah, he got a new task.” He reaches out to take the joint from my hand. “You need some help with it?”
I shake my head.
No, because I don’t think I can go through with this one either.
“You want to talk about it?” he asks, then takes a hit.
I shake my head again.
Because I can’t tell anyone about my task. It’s more disgusting than the last one and I feel sick even considering it.
Fuck, I’m so fucking tired. Like I haven’t slept in years. My bones ache from the weariness I feel in my heart.
“You wanna get out of here?” Sebastian asks.
I stare at the graves surrounding us—graves full of lonely, grief-filled bones, suffering eternally knowing they led unfulfilled lives. I belong in one of these graves. Surrounded by dirt and worms. Death and bones and misery. I belong with my dead fucking mother. I’m just as unfulfilled and lonely as she is.
“You gotta do whatever it is, Sam,” Sloth says. “Hell of a fucking waste if not.”
His words come across like he actually gives a shit, but one look on his face shows me nothing but emptiness. His mask is a blank canvas.
