~ EPILOGUE ~
It had been six months since I’d ridden back anywhere near the clubhouse. In fact, no one but Sketch knew I was going that way on that day. And he didn’t think it was a good idea at all. But I’d waited long enough. I’d been given the details of where Hope had been buried, and I wanted to finally pay my respects to her. Would have done it sooner if I’d thought it was safe too.
I rode my bike along the dirt track that dipped out of sight as I took a sharp bend. Dust and stones flew up, bouncing off the shiny chrome of my black and chrome Dyna lowrider. About twenty minutes off the hidden track, I pulled to a stop next to a large group of boulders and walked fifty paces north, finally coming to a stop by a group of young cacti: Hope’s headstone.
I stared at it in silence for a long while, guilt and shame, loss and sorrow all rolling into one huge tumble of shit in my stomach. I blamed myself for Hope being there, in that grave. I blamed Maria and Stone and Click too, but mostly I blamed myself. Hope’s parents were still searching for her, and every time something came up in the news about her—her beautiful, carefree face smiling back at me from the television—I hated myself just that little bit more.
I should have been able to help her. Not sure how, and believe me I’d tried to think of different ways I could have for the six agonizing months I’d stayed away from there, and I had come up empty every time. Because every time, it wasn’t just me that contributed to her death, it was everything and everyone. I hadn’t forced her to take those drugs. I hadn’t forced her to go to that party, or to let that evil bitch Maria get under her skin. And I hadn’t forced her to blow six guys and get slut-shamed for it. But I did accept my part in her death.
I’d learned to accept a lot in the past six months.
I came to terms with my sister’s death and I accepted what I had done to my mom and stepdad. I accepted it, and once I did, the screaming stopped. Can’t say I ever slept peacefully, but I slept, and that was more than I could have hoped for.
I crouched down and stared at the dusty ground at my feet. The cacti were young and healthy and I had a feeling Hope would have liked them.
“I’m sorry, darlin’,” I whispered to her. “You deserve so much more than this.” I placed my hand on the ground and closed my eyes, feeling like I could feel the vibrations of the earth moving beneath my palm. When I opened my eyes again, the world seemed more beautiful than ever.
The sun was just beginning to set on the horizon, the silhouette of trees in the distance as the blazing sun dipped behind them. Heat from the day rose up from the ground like waves and it felt like she was there with me. God I wished she were. Would have given anything to hold her in my arms one more time again.
I finally stood back up, pulling the single silk flower from my cut pocket and placing it in the ground with the cacti. I didn’t know what to say to her now that I was there, but it almost felt like that was okay, like she knew exactly what I was feeling and what I wanted to say without me saying it anyway.
I dragged a hand down my thick beard. I’d let it fully grow out and it felt good, almost like I was a new person. Sketch had been continually working on my tattoos, doing one after another on different parts of my body. Some were small; some were large pieces which interconnected with others. I loved every one of them. But my favorite would always be the first one he ever did for me: the bloody Aster in honor of my little sister. I’d since added a rose for my mom too, their stems forever entwined
“Got your name put back on me,” I said to Hope, pulling off the thick silver ring on my finger to reveal her name underneath it. “Sketch said it wasn’t a good idea, but I needed you with me. Feels right now.” I slid the ring back on. “I’ll come back again soon, I promise, okay?” I frowned, hating how I knew that was probably a lie.
It wasn’t a cemetery and it wasn’t a place you could just visit. I’d be in serious shit if anyone knew I was up there. I doubted that I’d ever come back to visit that place again. Though I felt a sense of peace come over me, like it was okay to let go a little now, if I wanted to. When I wanted to. Because yeah, like I said, she would have liked it there. It was beautiful, just like she had been.
“I gotta go, but know that you’re always with me and I’m always thinking of you. You’re not forgotten, darlin’. You’ll never be forgotten.” I let out a heavy sigh and kissed my fingertips before placing the kiss on the ground. “You make sure you let go now too, okay? It’s time to move on.”
I turned and walked back to my bike, throwing a leg over it and starting the engine. I headed back the way I had come, and even though the road was darker on the way out than it had been on the way in, it felt like I knew the place already. I didn’t worry about the sharp bends that were hard to see in the twilight, or what might run out in front of me; I just drove my bike through those hills and across those dirt roads like I’d been there a thousand times.
When I came to the end of the road, Bull sat on his bike smoking a cigarette while he waited for me. I pulled my bike alongside his and shut off the engine.
“You good?” he asked.
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“She good?”
I nodded again. “Yeah, she would have liked it there.”
He nodded in agreement and threw his cigarette to one side before starting up his engine. “Good.”
“I had to come,” I explained. “Couldn’t move on till I’d said a proper goodbye.”
He shrugged. “Who told you where she was?”
I remained silent and he nodded.
“Wolf.” He sighed when I didn’t acknowledge him. “The club will be fucked if she’s ever found. You know that, right?” he asked without looking at me.
“I’m not a snitch, Bull. My loyalty is still to you and the club.”
He turned to look at me, his long hair hanging over one shoulder.“The love for a woman is different than the love we have for our club or our brothers, Crank. It gets in your blood and is a direct shot to the heart. Trust me, I’ve been down that road.”
We fell into silence and I pondered over his words. The sound of a bird overhead made me look up, and I watched it glide away on a current of warm air.
“You ever open that envelope Hardy gave you?” Bull asked.
