“With you?” she says, looking confused.
I nod and smile, and I can feel a yawn in my mouth but I stifle it. And I realize how exhausted I am now.
“Together?” she says.
And it’s really late and I’m getting really tired now, so I guess that’s why I snap at her.
“Yes, Carrie, with me. Who the fuck else would you move forward with? Mr. Fancy Asshole Adam?” I laugh like he’s a big joke, and he is a big fucking joke. Not like me. I got the girl. “Yes, we can move forward, together. Everything’s going to be okay. Just stop crying now, okay?”
And she looks frightened again, and I feel bad for that, but hey, she’s stopped crying, so that’s good, right?
Glass half full and all that shit. I smile, but she doesn’t smile back.
“Maybe you just need to get some sleep. I bet you’ll feel much better after some sleep.” I smile wider, because see? I am observant. I will be a good husband.
“Sleep? Yes, yes, I need to sleep,” she mumbles, and looks away.
And so I sit her up and I get off the sofa and then I lay her back down on the sofa, with her head on the ugly cushion, and I tell her to get some sleep. And she closes her eyes and I think,great job, Ethan.
I sit in the chair opposite her, and I watch her for a while. I decide she’s only pretending to be asleep. But that’s okay because eventually she’ll really fall asleep. That’s what happens when you keep your eyes closed for so long. That’s what happens when something huge and scary or exciting happens. You might pretend to sleep, but eventually you really do fall asleep. That’s how I used to get to sleep in the hospital. I’d pretend to sleep so my roommate wouldn’t talk to me anymore.
I’d listen to him touch himself, coming into his own hand while he cried out “mom,” and then I would try to ignore the arguments coming from all the other rooms. Our room was always quiet. We were a good team—until we weren’t, of course.
Kind of like Carrie and I, really.
Eventually, Carrie really does fall asleep. I know she is because her erratic breathing steadies out and her face goes slack. And then I try to sleep too. Because I really am exhausted. It’s been a crazy and exciting day, and that will take it out of anyone. But I find I can’t sleep. Knowing that she’s there, so close that I could touch her—it keeps me awake. Because I’ve waited so long for this moment, and now it’s here.
I open my eyes every once in a while to make sure that this isn’t just one big dream, and sure enough, every time I open my eyes, she’s still there. I take out her phone and I look through the pictures of her naked body, and I start to grow hard in my pants again so I turn it off and put it in my pocket.
It’s no good, I decide, and I stand up and go to the kitchen. I go quietly, because I don’t want to wake her up. She deserves her sleep. I get that. I look through her cupboards again, because I’m really hungry now, and I give in and open the tomato soup, but when it’s cooked I can’t actually bring myself to eat it, so I tip it away. And then I wash the pan, and then I clean the rest of her pots and dishes, because her kitchen really is disgusting.
You need to take better care of yourself, Carrie.
And then I remember that I’m here now, so she doesn’t need to worry about that, because I can take care of her from now on. I smile and I take a deep breath, the smell of bleach reaching my nostrils and making me feel even better and more clear-headed. I’m tired but not sleepy now. And I honestly, truly, can’t wait until tomorrow when she wakes up because then we can start planning our life together.
I can tell her all the ideas I have for us.
All the plans.
Plans that had all been make believe up until yesterday, but are now going to be our reality. A house, some kids, and our dog called Shep.
I can show her my apartment. It’s in a shitty neighborhood but it’s much cleaner than this place. And I’ll tell her she’ll have to get a new phone and come and live with me because I don’t want Adam trying to contact her. And I wonder what she does for a living now?
I wonder if she ever grew up and became the painter that she hoped to be.
Is it wrong that I kinda hope so but I also hope not? It probably is, and that makes me bad. But I’d like to be there to help her achieve that dream. I’ve missed so much of her life, and I don’t want to miss any more.
I won’t miss any more,I think with a smile.That’s it now, me and you kid, me and you against the world.
