Chapter fifty-one:
Down the stairs we walk together.
Together!I want to sing, still unsure, still excited and full of hope. Full of Carrie.
“I need to get some things,” she says, and I nod okay because I’m scared to speak. If I speak I might break the spell. If I break the spell, I’ll never have this moment ever again.
She tries to walk away, but we’re still holding hands. She jerks back, lightly, and looks down at our hands entwined.
I do too.
I can’t let go. I can’t let go!
“It’s okay, Ethan. Come with me.” And she finally seems so at peace.
And it’s her saying it now. It’s her leading me to the back room, the one filled with shelves of junk and trinkets. And I follow and she leads. And that’s how it’s always been!
I’ll go wherever she goes. I’ll do whatever she needs me to. I’ll be whoever she needs me to. She grabs a small black case from under a desk in the corner and she goes around the room filling the bag with different things. She opens drawers and pulls out money. Lots and lots of money, but I don’t say anything even though I want to know where she got it all from. She opens cupboards and pulls out pictures. Her small black bag is now filled with random objects of her life for the past fifteen years. It’s too much, yet not enough. I want her to leave it all, but I want her to bring it too. I’m a bundle of contradictions as I struggle to breathe and can’t stop panting.
She grabs a hoodie from one of the cupboards and she puts it on. I let go of her hand while she zips it up and pulls the hood over her head. Her face is encased in shadows that make her bruises look worse.
I reach out and touch my palm to the side of her cheek.
“It’s okay,” she says again. AndIs it?I think.Is it really okay?She looks down, her gaze going to my bare feet. “Oh, wait here,” she says and goes back up the stairs.
I wait for her to scream. To freak out about Adam, but she doesn’t. she comes back down with some shoes in her hand, and I know that they’re his because they look expensive and why else would she have a pair of men’s shoes in her bedroom, right? I don’t want to wear them, but I’m barefoot and that’s just not practical. So, I drop them on the floor and slip my feet into the expensive Italian brogues. I tie the laces and stand back up and try not to think about the fact that I’m wearing a dead man’s shoes.
Then she leads me to the front door and she opens it slowly, sticking her head out and looking both ways. Carrie turns back to look at me and then she says,
“All clear.”
She looks back at me full of certainty and uncertainty, and I smile to reassure her, and me that this is right and good and perfect. I see Charlie’s keys on the shelf next to the wooden elephant statue and I pick them up and put them back into my pocket. Best not leave anything behind, eh? As an afterthought, I grab the elephant too. I hand it to Carrie and she smiles and puts it in her bag.
And then we’re out the door and we’re on our way to our new life.
The air is fresh and clean—pure, almost—with a crispness that reminds me that autumn is on its way. There’s a skip in my step as we walk, hand in hand, my face turned up to the trees that line her street, her face huddled beneath the hood of her zip-up and reminding me that she’s injured. But it’s okay, she won’t always be. The bruises will fade and vanish. The cuts will heal. The scars we’ll bear forever, but we can move past them.
Wewillmove past them.
And by the time Halloween is here, we’ll be picking out fancy dress outfits and you’ll be taking me to parties to meet your friends. We’ll go as Batman and Batgirl, or Peter Pan and Wendy. We’ll be cute, and people will say so. Trick-or-treaters will knock on our door and we’ll give them candy. You’ll befriend the whore upstairs and tell her that life can be different. That life can be good. That you changed your life, thanks to me, and she can change hers too. She won’t change though, because she’s a true whore, through and through. But eventually she’ll move out because she can’t take seeing you so happy and knowing that she doesn’t have the courage to change her life like you did, like you do, right now with me.
You’re brave and I’m brave and together we can conquer the fucking world, Carrie!
I look down at our hands, our fingers entwined, and I think my heart might explode. I feel sick with excitement. Heavy with nerves. Butwe’re doing it, Carrie, we’re really doing it this time. This time, we’re running away together.
“Where do you live?” she asks, breaking the silence between us. I was enjoying thinking of our future and watching the birds flit from tree to tree. But of course it’s all okay; I’m glad she’s asking questions and talking to me.
“We,” I say.
“We?” she replies.
“Where do we live?” I smile as I say it.
She smiles too. It’s only small and I can see the hesitation on her face.
“Eventually we’ll find somewhere new, somewhere that we both choose. But for now, while we work through everything, we can stay there.”
I watch her face, the fleeting emotions washing over her like waves. She’s scared, and I get that, because I’m scared too and I’m a good boyfriend. I’m considerate and caring, and I squeeze her hand and say,
