He shook his head, muscles tensing under my touch as I checked the lines for bleed. There was none, and I picked up my machine again. This was the fastest way to quiet my mind, and I needed it now more than ever. He was talking like someone about to quit, and I wasn’t ready for what that would mean.
“I don’t know, Sage,” he said, resting his head back as I got to work again. He’d reached the point where the pain was no longer a factor, but his chest was still tense under my hands. “The rest of the guys have this ability to just let it all roll off their backs, you know?”
“You’re new to this. The attention.”
“No,” he said simply. “You weren’t there. You didn’t see the way Coach looked at me when he called me off the ice. I couldn’t get out of my head. It scared the shit out of me. To know I was failing at the one thing I’d spent my life working toward.”
I shook my head, heart tight with second-hand pain. “Aiden, you’re not failing. You were promoted because you earned that spot. You’re good. You’re—” I stopped myself before sounding like a motivational poster. Instead, I let the words soften into truth. “You’re here because you’re supposed to be. Don’t let one game make you doubt that.”
“You watched the game, but have you checked social media at all?” His tone was accusatory, as if he were growing more and more frustrated with me for not seeing things from his perspective. “It’s never just one game. They’re ripping me apart online, analyzing every mistake and turning it into funny memes. That doesn’t just make me feel like absolute shit, it blows back on the team. The guys who depend on me to have my shit together.”
His words were steeped in self-loathing and so much hurt it made me pause, hand hovering over his skin, feeling the warmth of him under my fingers. He wasn’t just talking about the game. He was talking about himself, about everything he’d built, and everything he thought he didn’t deserve to keep.
“I…” But my response fell to nothing. There wasn’t a smooth fix for what he felt. A neat sound byte that would make it all better. I couldn’t argue away the weight of this world on him. I could only meet him halfway, where he was vulnerable and raw. “I think you’re underestimating yourself, and overestimating the pressure.”
He chuckled darkly, shaking his head. “Maybe. Or maybe it’s the other way around. Maybe I’ve spent years overestimating myself.”
“Aiden—”
“I’m done, Sage. I’m done trying to be someone I’m not.” He took a steadying breath, and then said, “I’m gonna step aside and give my spot to Shawn.”
27
Aiden
It was a game, but Nashville didn’t come to play. Deep in the bowels of the arena, and I could still hear the crowd losing their shit while they waited for puck-drop.
I found Coach in the office allocated to visiting coaches with a few minutes to go before warmups. That’s how long it had taken me to find my balls and just get it over with. Ideally, this conversation would’ve happened long before I’d stepped on the plane to fly out here. But I just couldn’t muster up the courage to do it.
“Coach?” He didn’t look up when I knocked. Just waved a hand, and I stepped inside, closing the door to the sounds of the locker room behind it.
“Quit wasting your teeth and talk to me, Santos.”
“I… uh—”
He leaned back in his chair, fingers steepled over his chest. “You’ve got two minutes.”
A ticking clock never helped, and it especially didn’t do anything to calm my nerves now. This wasn’t just me pulling out of a game. This was me… pulling out for good.
“I’ve been thinking, Coach, and I want to swap my spot with Shawn. Permanently.”
“Permanently, huh?” His face gave nothing away.
“I’m letting the team down,” I said. “There’s too much on the line to gamble with me. I belong on the be— No. I don’t belong there either. I can’t fail the guys this deep into playoffs.”
“And you think this is how you don’t fail your team?”
I nodded.
“What do you think you’ve been doing for the past five years?”
All these questions were getting under my skin, but I worked to keep my frustration with him from bubbling over. It wasn’t the time or the place.
“I’ve been on the bench as a—”
“I’m gonna ask you again,” Coach said, leaning forward over the desk. “What do you think you’ve been doing these past five years?”
“I was a reserve for—”
