“Okay, go to your room, and I’ll be in soon to tuck you in, okay?”
“Okay,” Amber says, but before she leaves, she wraps her little arms around my neck when I bend down and hugs me tight. “Love you lots, Daddy! I’ll see you tomorrow!”
“So you still want me to take you to school?” I ask, checking carefully, my heart a vulnerable, delicate mess.
“Of course,” she says easily, like it’s a no-brainer. “Love you,” she says and smacks a kiss to my cheek.
“Love you too,” I say and squeeze her as tight as I can without harming her.
She bounces off down the hall to her bedroom, and I stand up slowly and face the stone face of my ex-wife—who has her hands on her hips and her right eyebrow quirked up enough to let me know I’m in trouble.
“Gabe . . .”
“Don’t start,” I say shortly. And while we do have a civil relationship and I try to keep it that way, tonight has been too much. I don’t want to look around at this house and see the home. I don’t want to look at my wife—ex-wife—and think about the way things used to be. About the way they were supposed to be.
Her tone and her posture soften, and she walks closer to me, surprising me when she embraces me in a comforting hug. “Gabe...”
I wrap my arms around her lightly, unsure if this is really even allowed right now. Not that it’s sexual in any way, but we are exes. She kicked my ass out. She’s married.
“She loves you, you know?”
“I love her too,” I say, my throat scratchy and dry. “But she doesn’t want me when she’s scared.”
It hurts. I can’t pretend it doesn’t. It hurts like a motherfucker. I’d do anything in my power to protect that little girl, but when she wakes up scared in the middle of the night—it’s not me she wants.
“Stop,” she says and carefully pulls out of my hold, stepping back a little. “She does want you when she’s scared. She sees a spider and you’re the first one she runs to.” I want to argue that it’s not the same, but she holds up a hand to stop me from speaking—and goddammit, it works just like it did when we were married. “She’s not scared when she wakes up in the middle of the night. She knows deep down she’s safe. She’s just testing boundaries. Confused about where her home is.”
I don’t say what I want to. I don’t say that this could have been home for all three of us, and she wouldn’t be confused if we’d have worked it out like I wanted to. I don’t say it, but I sure as hell feel it.
“You have to show her that your house is home too. You might have to show her some tough love because this isn’t a good routine for her. She has school tomorrow. We all have to work.”
“I’m sorry, did this interrupt your other life?” I bite out unnecessarily and instantly feel bad. “I’m sorry,” I say genuinely.
She just sighs softly. “Of course not. Amber is my life, and you know that. But you are her father.”
“I know that,” I bite out, my tone too harsh.
“I know you know that,” she says softly, keeping her calm like only Shelly can. “And she knows that too, but she also knows she can get her way with you. I want her to go to you for comfort. When she’s at your house, I want it to be her home too. I want her to feel comfortable there and stay on the nights she’s supposed to.”
“I want that too. What am I supposed to do?” I ask, at the end of my rope. I’ve tried everything. “She wants you if she wakes up. She wantsyou. How am I supposed to take away her mom?”
She visibly flinches but recovers pretty quickly. “I don’t want you to take her away from me, but you are her parent too. We compliment each other. It’s not an either-or sort of thing. We’re both her parents and are both capable of taking care of her. You’re an amazing father, Gabe. You just have to learn to tell her no.”
It’s a fight we’ve had a lot over the years, and I know she’s right. But also if her mom is only a couple of blocks away, why can’t she have her any time she wants her?
Shelly looks worried, her bottom lip currently being abused by her teeth, and I know there’s something else bothering her. “What’s wrong?”
She looks startled, like she didn’t expect me to pick up on it, her blue eyes going wide and almost comical. “What? Nothing. I’m just worried about Amber.”
“Please, Shell.” I wave her off. “I know you better than that. There’s something else.”
She huffs, her shoulders dropping a little. “It’s nothing. We can talk about it some other time.”
Well, no way in hell I’m going back to sleep if she doesn’t tell me what’s up right fucking now. I see Randy stumbling down the hallway and bite back a curse. His eyes meet mine wearily as he stops next to Shell, his hand moving to her shoulder. “Sorry, Amber was looking for you.”
I don’t actually mind Randy all that much. He’s a little goofy and nerdy and works in finance or some shit I’ll never understand. But he’s a fairly good man, and Amber really likes him.
And most importantly, I know he’s good to my daughter and loves her like his own.
