“Now!” Luca isn’t dramatic, he’s calculated and thoughtful. When he’s like this, there’s a reason. Even if I don’t feel like dealing with him, it makes no sense to brush him off.
“Where?”
“Doesn’t matter! It’s everywhere!” I don’t want to, but I tap on the first app I see anyway. My notifications are off and apparently I missed that I was tagged in over a hundred posts; my inbox is full of new messages. As I scroll through, it’s obvious that it’s always the same video, shared by countless profiles. Many of them friends, teammates and...
“You too? And Jannis? What is this?”
“Check it out! It’s crazy!”
I tap on the video. “This is Karlsruhe!” Then text appears, with images of various places in Karlsruhe changing in the background.
I’ve been to all these places with the person I’ve loved since I was 17...
I swallow hard. I recognize the places. Our morning trips over the last few months. David and me.
“This is from David... Oh my God!” I reflexively cover my mouth with my hand. “No...”
“Cute, isn’t it?” Luca grins, and I see Jannis leaning in the doorway, the corners of his mouth slightly raised. The image and text change and now see a photo of David and me, aged 16 and 17. One of our first pictures together. I was already a bit shorter than him back then, now it’s almost a whole head.
At 17, you stole my heart...
My heart is pounding in my throat. Is this what I think it is? New pictures flash by in quick succession. I’m in every photo. Never from the front, always from behind or from the side. I didn’t even notice that he was taking pictures of me.
Almost eight years later, I still don’t want it back.
Thecaption finishes me off. I can no longer hold back my tears.
Even if you don’t want it anymore, my heart belongs to you and that will never change. It took me a long time to understand what really matters, perhaps too long, but I have to try.
I love you, and if you still have a place for me in your heart, come to our old favorite spot. I’ll be there all day.
“Is this a coming out?” My voice is choked with tears. Luca and Jannis both nod.
“Sounds pretty much like it to me. What do you want to do now?” Jannis’s calm manner settles me.
Luca is much more demanding. “Where are we going? You want to go, right? You don’t want to let him down after what he’s done, do you?”
“We?”
“Jannis is driving, you can’t drive like this. You’re welcome, that’s what brothers are for,” he says and pats me benevolently on the shoulder. He of all people, who did everything he could for the first six months to be sent back to the group home. But fortunately, there’s not much left of the lost, lonely boy. He loves us more than anything, just as we love him, and I know he would do anything for us.
“I... I’m scared, okay? What if he backs out? What if he realizes I’m not worth all the drama after all?”
Jannis slowly approaches me and quietly puts his arm around my shoulder. “You never have a guarantee for how feelings will develop. Neither those of others nor your own. But however he identifies, he’s not straight, and over 6,000 people know now. There’s no turning back.” He has a point...
“He hurt meso badly. He let me down. Twice.”
“I know, and I get it. But love is always a risk. You have to decide what’s more important to you, security or the chance for something damn beautiful.” Says my little brother, who has never had a girlfriend. A puzzling fact by the way, because objectively, he’s good-looking. But he’s right. I bury my face in my hands, needing to clear my head before I make a decision. Not based on gut feeling, I have to think about that. But my head is in chaos.
A second hand comes to rest on my other shoulder. Even if I didn’t know, I could tell exactly whose it was. Jannis’s light touch and Luca’s firm pressure couldn’t be more different, and yet they both have the same effect. The storm in my head slows down.
I see David in front of me and my stomach flutters. There’s only one decision to make. Determined I stand up and pull my brothers close to me.
“I love you guys. Thank you! Let’s go!”
Chapter 46
David
