Hmm, that was frighteningly detailed for a fictional scenario. “When was that?”
“Last week?”
“Is that a question mark at the end of your answer? You must know when it happened.”
“Last week.” Luca is tense, Jannis is about to wet his pants if he has to suppress his laughter any longer.
“Ask who’s car?” he manages to say.
I don’t need to ask; there’s really only one person it could be. “Rottmann?”
“Of course, Rottmann.” Admittedly, Mr. Rottmann is an asshole. An asshole with a red Audi R8.
“Why?”
“He made another queerphobic comment. I forgot to get my last paper signed, and he started acting stupid. Seriously, I got an A. Anyway, he said it couldn’t be that hard to get my father’s signature, since I have more than I actually need.”
“And two weeks ago, he divided the group by gender and told Valérie that if she didn’t know what she was, she should go to the toilet and have a look. His words, not mine. He said ‘she,’ that’s basically a direct quote.” Jannis raises both hands in defense.
He and Valérie are like fire and water (Val is the fire), always have been, but he would never use the wrong pronouns, or pronouns at all. I told you, Rottmann is an asshole.
“I sprayed a dick on his hood with shaving cream.”
“Did you sign your artwork, or how did he find out it was you?” Luca doesn’t usually get caught doing shit like that.
“Apparently, his wife is going through menopause, can’t sleep, and spends the whole night looking out the window. But he didn’t want to call the police after I said I’d have to reveal my motive.” Oh my God, I love my brother. With hisback against the wall and still quick-witted enough to get out of the situation.
“Okay, back to the point. Papa and Paps love us. Unconditionally. David doesn’t have that, and he’s terrified of disappointing his father.”
Once again, Jannis furrows his brows. “And a gay son would be a disappointment?”
“David fears so.” I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling. It hurts. More than I want to admit. Maybe I could deal with it if he didn’t feel the same way about me as I do about him. But how am I supposed to deal with the fact that the man I love loves me back, but is so afraid of his father that we will never have a future?
“How fucked up is that? It doesn’t matter who you love. Now two people are suffering just because an old man can’t get his head out of his ass.” That hits the nail on the head. I love Luca, in general but also for his vivid language. I love that they are here, both of them. And yet the hole in my chest is so big that the pain is almost unbearable. The first tears run down my temples and I let them.
Chapter 44
David
25 years
For over five years, I managed to keep my feelings for Louis in check to stay capable of coping with everyday life. And in fact, after my breakdown on Sunday morning, I somehow managed to function. Until today. Until he had that letter in his hand.
The certainty that I will never see Louis again washes over me in a relentless wave. Will he miss me as much as I miss him? Will he wait for me at the club, will he be sad when he realizes that I really won’t be showing up anymore? Will he even notice?
“And Ilove you. Still.”Tears fill my eyes again, run down my cheeks, collect in my pillow. Not quiet tears, the pain is too huge, too overwhelming, the thought of being without Louis again tears me apart. The hopelessness of my situation hits me like a fist in the stomach.
For the first time in my life, I’m allowing myself to feel everything, not suppressing anything, not trying to pull myself together. Sobs and cries shake and tear my body apart. I can no longer feel myself; I no longer know where I begin or end, and yet everything hurts, down to the smallest fiber of my body. Why can’t I be with Louis? Why do I have to choose? Why can’t I have both? My father and with him the companyandthe love of my life. Why does it matter that my favorite person is a man? Why?
***
I lie curled up in my bed. I don’t have the strength to get up, everything hurts. The walk to the bathroom feels like climbing a three-thousand-meter peak. Hard, but doable. The kitchen is my Mont Blanc, reachable on a really good day. The university is my Mount Everest. The very idea of making it is so absurd that I just turn to the other side and continue staring at the wall. I don’t know how long I’ve been lying here. Three days, three weeks... I’ve lost all sense of time.
It gets light and dark outside, I sleep, I’m awake. Finn brings me something to eat or drags me into the shower. Sometimes I see the worried look in his eyes when he looks at me. Sometimes I see the pity in his eyes when I look at photos of Louis. Old ones of the two of us together, new ones from our trips, Instagram posts from the club. Louis at work, with that light, open smile on his face, as if everything werefine, as if his world hadn’t fallen apart. A photo of Louis and Paul together. They look like they always do, like a couple, so close.
Fuck, that stings. Paul has his arms around Louis from behind, holding him tight, and Louis’s head is resting on his shoulder. He looks content. Happy.
“Who’s that?” Finn points to my screen. I haven’t even heard him come into my room. “Does he have a new guy already?”
