He did it, Lou came out, something he always wanted to do. I’m happy for him, but at the same time I feel worse than I have in a long time. I always wanted to do that with him. No big explanation, just holding hands on the way to school, kissing him in the auditorium before we had to go to class. I was so close to talking to my father. I was sure I was ready, I wanted to do it, and when the moment came and I should have said it, I chickened out. Instead, I hurt and lost the person I loved most. Still love, probably always will love.
My tears fall quietly but unstoppably. I regret going home this weekend. I regret reading Louis’s profile. I regret none of it.
“It doesn’t matter. I ruined everything.”
Chapter 24
Louis
20 years
I nervously glance at my watch and then at the almost empty lecture hall. It’s 7:30 a.m., my first lecture starts in half an hour, and I think I’m in the right place. This campus is huge, and I spent the entire weekend figuring out where I needed to be when. That’s probably uncool, but honestly, I’m pretty lost.
It took me ages till I had my schedule together... Gosh, I have no idea how many times I went to the freshmen consultation desk. Luckily, they almost always had someone there during orientation week.
Somehow, Iimagined it differently; somehow, I imagined not being so alone. David and I talked so often about studying at the same university. That he would show me around, explain everything to me, and help me to put together my schedule.
It’s always these little things that throw me off track. I don’t know anyone here, and I’m not used to that. Being alone. The first two or three nights were okay, and I enjoyed the peace and quiet. Now, after a week, I miss my family. Maybe I should have moved into a shared apartment after all, I have too much time to think for my liking.
We always said we would go to university together, and be roommates. Until last year, that was the plan, but now I don’t even know where David is, whether he thinks about me sometimes, like I think about him. And whether he misses me sometimes the way I miss him. Would he have taken me to my first lecture this morning? Would he have kissed me and wished me luck?
I let my gaze wander around the lecture hall once more and sure enough, there are a few more people here now. Everyone is sitting alone, but I don’t want to be alone anymore. A young man is sitting in the third row, right at the edge. His long brown hair is tied up in a messy bun on top of his head, the sides shaved. He has a pretty face, fine features, but without appearing feminine.
Almost like David. But still so very different. He is nervous, either wringing his fingers or tugging at the rainbow bracelet on his wrist. I make my way over with determination. “Hey, can I sit with you?”
The young man looks up, startled. “With me?”
“If it’s okay?” I get the feeling he’d like to refuse, but doesn’t know how, so instead he moves his bag from the seatnext to him and lets me slide in.
As I walk past, I notice why he probably didn’t want anyone sitting next to him. He smells strongly, his clothes are dirty and he looks somewhat unkempt.
“I’m Louis, nice to meet you. Cool bracelet.”
He looks at me questioningly.
“The rainbow.”
“Ah, um, thanks, I, uh... thanks. My name is Paul.”
“Where are you from?” I try to make small talk. Those are the questions you ask, right?
“From Reutlingen.”
“So you live here in Karlsruhe too? Do you live in a dorm or a shared apartment?”
Paul’s gaze falls to his lap. “I’m still waiting for a place in a dorm somewhere.”
“And where are you sleeping at the moment?” I’m a little confused. You can’t commute from Reutlingen, it’s too far and too inconvenient, isn’t it? I can tell he doesn’t want to answer, but I don’t understand why. What’s wrong with finding temporary accommodation somewhere for the time being?
I don’t get an answer, and after the lecture he leaves as quickly as possible. Too bad, Paul was nice.
After dinner, I head out again. I miss David’s hand in mine as I walk around. In our last season, we had a few tournaments further away from home, so we stayed overnight. Under the cover of darkness, David and I wandered the streets, the smaller and more remote the better. Our fingers loosely intertwined.
Now I’m out on my own, and I hate it. A little way ahead of me, a person is sitting on the ground, wearing only a thinjacket. The other homeless people I’ve seen so far were better equipped. Then I see the rainbow bracelet and suddenly I understand why Paul didn’t want to tell me where he lived and why he smelled so awful.
“Paul?” The figure’s head jerks up in alarm, and fuck, it really is him. “You sleep here?”
A helpless shrug and a silent nod are enough of an answer. “Come with me.”
