“Like I said, it was the fucking schoolyard. He was crying. What was I supposed to do?”
“I see. That was very respectful, Lou. Many others wouldn’t have been able to do that.” Hearing my nickname makes everything inside me contract. The knife in my chest twists again and stabs a little deeper, as if it weren’t already hurting enough. “Text him if you need an answer. Maybe you’re lucky and get one.”
So I do, texting just one word. “Why?” And all I get back is two gray check marks.
Chapter 21
David
19 years
Everything is dark. I’m sinking, deeper and deeper. I don’t even know where to. Fast, so fast, I wait to hit the ground. But there is no ground, only more darkness.
“I love you, forever.” The only words I can still hear. I know he’s not really saying them, they’re just in my head. He’ll never say them to me again, and it’s my fault.
“I love you too.” My heart cries out the words after him that my mind couldn’t bring to my lips. Maybe if he had turned around one last time, I try to tell myself. There is so much more I wanted to say to him.
“Ilove you.”
“Please don’t go.”
“Please don’t leave me alone.”
“I’m nothing without you.”
***
There’s a knock at the door; someone enters my room. Finn. I hear his muffled voice saying something about a party, urging me to come with him, shower, get dressed. Clothes land in my lap and I see a blurry image of my best friend in front of me. I don’t have the strength to argue, so I slip into the fresh polo shirt and pants and follow Finn.
The bass booms in my stomach; apparently the music is loud, but I can’t hear the lyrics or the melody. Voices are nothing more than muffled background noise. Someone falls on top of me. Hair falls into my face. A girl. Why doesn’t she get up? Lips on mine, soft lips. Gentle. Wrong. I get up, the noise becomes softer, the vibration of the bass subsides. Gone.
***
My life goes on. Getting up, school, going home, sleep. No handball. I can avoid Louis at school, but not at practice. In four weeks it’ll be summer break anyway, and after that I’ll be gone. No idea where yet, but I can’t stay. I just have to get through the oral exams.
People pass me by. I feel eyes on me. The loud hustle and bustle ofthe auditorium reaches me only through a thick fog. I’m glad, it’s all too much for me. A small body nestles against mine. Too small, too tiny, too soft. Her sweet perfume stings in my nose. Too sweet. Wrong. I turn around, want to leave, but she holds my hand, follows me. At the men’s bathroom, she lets go and I only go back to my classroom after the bell rings.
Why doesn’t she understand? She’s been playing this game with me for three weeks. Every break. When she talks, I have no idea what she’s saying, I just hear her voice above the surface of the water. I’m too deep down to understand individual words. She’s just another layer on top of my background noise. Every time I try to escape to the bathroom, she takes my hand.
Every time I see Louis’s gaze. He looks as empty as I feel. I miss him. The warmth, his laughter, his hand in mine. Rough and calloused from years of handball. Powerful and determined. So incredibly confident. I miss him whispering in my ear, trivial little things or dirty jokes, our little secrets. Our kind of closeness when we weren’t allowed to be physically close in public. The love in his eyes.
I often wondered if the people around us were blind. The“I love you”that Louis conveyed without words was so obvious to me. Since I saw the photos, I’m sure all our friends know, they’re just respectful enough not to ask. We’re an open secret.
Were. We are nothing anymore. I am nothing anymore.
Chapter 22
Louis
18 years
“Who’s that?” My buddy nudges me from the side, pulling me out of thoughts that aren’t good for me anyway. It can’t get any worse. My gaze follows the direction of his chin and my heart stops. My knees go weak, and my stomach turns.
Just in time, I manage to swallow back the vomit that has collected in my mouth. Tears well up from the indescribable pain filling my chest.
No, he can’t be serious, he can’t do this to me, not this. I could’ve lived with anything, I mean it – but this is too much. I want to go to him, shove him, shake him, ask him what this isall about, if he’s fucking serious. But my feet remain rooted to the spot on the other side of the auditorium, with the best view of David and the blonde girl hanging on to him like a little baby monkey.
“Does he have a girlfriend now?”
