That’s easier said than done; tensing up is almost like a reflex, I can’t help it. But we have a little practice by now. Louis gently caresses my back, kisses my spine, massaging my hole, and I feel myself open up. His pressure increases. “Oh yes, babe, just like that. Let me in.”
“Ahhh.” I feel the stretch, the pull on my muscle, Louis’s circular motion. I don’t know where to put my thoughts; my mind wants to tell me, as always, that no one belongs in there, but my body screams yes, because it knows what’s going to happen and that there’s nothing hotter for me than something up my ass.
My hips push back, taking more of Louis’s finger. It stings, a delicate pain that hurts less than it turns me on. Small wildfires run through my neural pathways, setting my body on fire. I feel his finger moving inside me, stretching me further, probably searching for... “Ahh, yes, right there.”
The wildfire turns into an inferno. I reach for my cock, no longer aware of anything around me. No idea how long it takes, time and space blurring into lust and light. Endorphins explode, shooting into every corner of my body as I come, long and hard. My arms give way, my legs give way, and I fall into my own mess on the bed—completely done.
Louis’s breathing is uneven, interrupted by little moans. Clumsily, I turn onto my back, open my mouth in invitation and my boyfriend understands immediately. “Oh God, yes! Give me that beautiful mouth.”
He’s sitting half on my face holding onto the headboard. It’s not exactly gentle, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. I gag and tears spring to my eyes instantly. You’d think I don’t like it, but I love beingused by him. He loses control, loses himself—because of me.
“We should take a shower.” Even though I love lying naked in bed with him, close together, our legs intertwined, I don’t like being sticky, and that’s exactly what we’re are.
“But I don’t want to get up. It’s so nice right now.” True, it is. It always is. His head is resting on my chest, and I gently kiss his sweaty hair.
My fingertips glide up and down his spine in a feather light touch. I love it when he lies with me like this, calm and relaxed. Louis’s usual pace is always a bit over speed limit. Constantly on edge, jumpy, impulsive. I love that about him, but it makes these moments of peace even more special. His fingers tickle my side, running over my stomach, playing with the hair that forms a trail from my belly button to my cock.
A pleasant silence envelops us, no music, and neither one of us speaks. I only hear his heart, beating calmly and evenly against my chest, feel his breath on my skin, adjusted to my rhythm. We are one, neither of us can exist without the other.
Next time I open my eyes, the room is shrouded in darkness. Damn it. We fell asleep and I didn’t set an alarm. An intangible sadness rushes through me. Why can’t I stay with him? Why can’t I sleep over at a friend’s house like everyone else? Why do I have to get up and leave? I could go on and on with this list. But the biggest question I have is for my father. Why can’t I love him? Why can’t I love a man? Why should it matter who I love? Isn’t it much more important that I love and am loved? Why am I not allowed to be happy?
I fight back the tears; I don’t want Louis to see me like this. Carefully, I lift him up, laying him down next to me, to give him one last kiss, then I grab my clothes, wallet, keys and cell phone, andsneak out of his room. It’s 10:36 p.m., so I hope everyone is already in bed and I...
“Oh, hello David. You’re still here?”
Fuuuuck, no. Adrien is standing in the doorway to his office, directly behind me, with a perfect view of my bare butt. I close my eyes for a moment and send a prayer to the universe to grace me with that desired hole in the ground right now. That works with wooden floorboards too, right?
Slowly, I turn around, my clothes pressed tightly against my crotch. “Uh, yes, we fell asleep, I just woke up. Louis is still asleep. I... I didn’t want to wake him up. I...”
“It’s okay, David. No need to be so nervous. I was just surprised. Please, go get dressed, you don’t want to catch a cold.”
I’ve never showered, gotten dressed, and run down the stairs to escape this house so quickly, but Adrien is waiting in the kitchen, and I have to pass through it. Fuck...
“Would you like a coffee, or an espresso? Can’t risk you falling asleep behind the steering wheel.”
Shit. Coffee. Oh no. “Yes, sure, I’d love some.” Just the thought of it makes my toenails curl up.
“Milk? Sugar?”
“Just sugar. Five spoons, please.” His questioning look says it all.How can you ruin this delicious coffee with so much sugar?
Well, delicious is a questionable adjective to describe it, but I can’t get out of the coffee situation now, so I gracefully accept the hot cup.
“How long did it take you to be so fluent in German?”
Adrien laughs and his gray eyes soften. “I had a very persistent private tutor. That certainly helped. But I’m still learning.”
“Philipp speaks French too, right? You all speak all the languages.”
“Philipp and I only spoke English at the very beginning, and when we’re alone, we still do sometimes. But we quickly started learning German and French. We speak French and German with Louis and Jannis because that’s what they wanted. Learning my language was their decision. I was happy about it, no question, but we would’ve never forced them.” Adrien looks at me as if he can see right through me. “You don’t have to tell me what’s going on with you or you two, but you don’t usually sneak out like that.”
I can’t hold his gaze as my lower lip starts to tremble again. Helplessly, I just shrug. I mean, what can I say? “I don’t want to have to leave. I... Why do we have to hide? Why can’t it just be okay for my parents that I love a man? Everything is so complicated, just because of me.”
“Coming out is always your decision, not anyone else’s. It’s awful when you have to fear the consequences and can’t make your decision freely because of that. If it were just about you, would you come out?”
I’ve asked myself that question a lot in the last few weeks. I nod slowly. “Yes, I would.”
Adrien puts a big warm hand on my shoulder, a gesture I’d wish so often from my own father. “No matter what you decide, David. We are here for you. You are not alone.”
