“If you join me, I'll have a gin and tonic.”
Just a few minutes later, Adrien stands in front of me, grinning proudly with two huge glasses.
“Whoa, you’re on a mission tonight? These are some really big glasses!”
“Yeah, I thought I wouldn't have to get up so much… for refills, you know?” He hands me my glass, but doesn’t make a move to sit down. A little awkwardly he stands in the middle of his living room.
“Do you need to get anything else?”
“Uh, no... why?” Adrien stands rooted to the spot in front of the sofa.
“Then sit with me.”
Slowly, he sinks down next to me, keeping enough distance to not touch me, not even accidentally. We've been past that point for a long time. Little touches and holding hands are commonplace over the last few months, but we haven’t been alone in a long time. We’ve always been in public, but today it’s different. We are alone, really alone again, for the first time since… that night. Here, in this place that holds negative memories for both of us.
There's no question that I need to take the first step towards a little more intimacy tonight. Even though Adrien knows how much I love to feel him close, he's still afraid of triggering me, especially here in this place. This is not a rejection, despite whatthe voice of my ex whispers to me. Adrien is holding back to protect me. One step at a time, we don’t have to hurry.
“DID HE TRY TO KISS YOU AGAIN?”
No, he didn't, and that's fine. It's not a rejection.
I take a big sip of my gin and tonic—oh shit, that’s strong! I can't stop coughing as the alcohol burns down my throat. “Damn it! This drink is fucking strong. How much gin did you pour in there?”
“Uh… I don’t know. I've never done this before. I usually drink beer.” Adrien scratches the back of his head, embarrassed. That’s what he does when he's feeling insecure, with a small grin on his lips and laugh lines around his eyes. His boyish charm makes me weak and I'm sure he knows it. Adrien draws me into the light, over and over again. If I could let him hold me, maybe I would never have to go back to this dark place where I still spend far too much time.
It's still difficult for me to take the first step. Even though I know that it feels so good and so natural to touch Adrien and to be touched by him, there are still only a handful of ways for me to proceed. My head on his chest, my head on his back, intertwining our little fingers into a pinky-swear, my thigh pressing against his, or just like right now: my right index finger carefully draws a line from his beautiful gray eyes down to his lower lip with its piercings. With fluttering lids, Adrien closes his eyes and leans slightly into my touch.
He knows what it means, that I can't bring myself to give more right now because I'm still too damn insecure over how. Because there was nothing like this with my ex – no affection or little caresses. Every touch was hard and efficient, designed to come quickly. Him, my ex... not me. Never me.
I don't want to touch Adrien like that, but I'm afraid that something in my head would take the lead and I could never forgive myself if that happened again. He knows that. That’s whyhe never demands more, just enjoys what he gets while giving me everything I am capable of taking. Like now, when he puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me towards him.
My head leans against his chest and I pull my feet up onto the sofa and underneath me to get more comfortable. I know I'm allowed to do this by now, I don't have to ask.
“What do you want to watch?”
Slowly, the world around me blinks back into focus. The room is dark, but I can make out the flickering of the TV. The volume is low. Shit, I've fallen asleep. Fuck!
“Wake up! You're here for me! You can sleep when you're alone! Obviously I’m too boring for you! I'll show you boring! I'll fuck you awake until you can't walk anymore. You’ll remember what you have to do when you're with me for the next week! Turn around! Now!”
I squeeze my eyes shut tightly. Maybe if he doesn’t realize I’m awake… but then he’d wake me up. That would be so bad. Maybe he didn't realize I fell asleep, after all, he hasn't said anything yet.
“Hey sleepyhead...” A soft voice speaks to me, a gentle hand strokes my cheek. Huh? No, that's not right! It’s got to be a trick. I try to pull myself together, to stand up. My eyes pressed shut.
“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to fall asleep. I'll make it up to you! Just let me go to the toilet and get undressed, then you can do whatever you want. I'll be right back. I...”
“Hey! Hey!” Two soft hands clasp my face and hold me in place. Not right now, I really need to go to the bathroom first. Please! But I should have known he wouldn't be interested in my needs. He never is.
“Look at me!”
My eyes are still squeezed shut. If I don't have to see his face, it's only half as bad. Not the pain, that's hell, but I don't feel quite as disgusting when I don't have to see the look in his eyes. When I don't have to see in his gaze how abysmally repulsive he finds me.
“Please, Philipp. Look at me. It's me, Adrien.” Adrien... “You fell asleep. You're with me. Everything is fine. Nothing will happen to you, not with me. You're safe.”
Adrien. I'm with Adrien. That was just my conditioned brain, just in my head. I feel my body relax, because I know that I'm truly safe with him. With a firm, secure grip, he pulls me onto his lap, holding me close. One hand in my curls, the other on my hip. He smells so good, fresh and light, like the sea and summer. I take a deep breath and press my nose into his neck. I'm allowed to do that with Adrien, I know that, he even likes it and I love it. I love him, but I can't tell him that yet.
“Let's go to sleep. I know you were planning to go home, but it's very late and I don't really want you to be alone like this.”
This day has been so hard, my head so loud and yet here I am. With Adrien, in his arms. He doesn't send me away, even when things get difficult. He just holds me a little tighter so that I can let myself fall without hitting the ground.
