I shake my head. "No, I didn't know what to say! I was so surprised by his text."
"Oh my God! Can you imagine what's going on in Philipp's head now? He's probably imagining you making out with another guy."
"What? No! I would never do that! Why would he think that?"
"What else is he supposed to think if he's sure he's not good enough for you?" Shit... I never thought of it like that. "When will you see each other next?"
"Tomorrow night after training. We're having a movie night at my place." Again that look of bewilderment. I really can't do anything right today. "What's wrong now?"
"At your place? After what happened last time? Are you sure that's a good idea?" It's a legitimate question, but firstly, Philipp could have said no and secondly, I'm sure we can handle it. It's not a sure-fire success, but nothing is easy with Philipp. Sometimes you have to take a risk. Don't you?
"You'd better tell me what to write."
It takes us another half an hour to agree on "No, Philipp. There is no one else. I only want you and I'm waiting for you." With a heart emoji. I hope that's enough.
Chapter 35
Philipp
Blood is trickling down my arms in little rivers. Carefully I pick at the last scab with my fingernails. It's the newest one, and red liquid is building a bubble as soon as I lift it up. There is no new skin under, only raw flesh. It stings and I rip it away, this thing that should protect my wound and allow it to heal.
It's bleeding more than I anticipated, though I knew the scratch was deep. I press one of the antiseptic wipes on my arm to increase the sting, pressing harder to feel more and waiting patiently until the pain subsides and gives way to the most incredible feeling in the world. When the euphoria rushes through my body and crashes over me in waves, it feels like a drug kicking in. Pain does that to me when I get past the point when it's unbearable and push through it just a little further. When I do that, I'm stronger than my pain, and I feel light. No voice in my head, everything is quiet. It's just me... and I love it. But my eyes are closed and I know the moment I see my reflection in my bathroom mirror, I’ll hate myself for doing it again.
The bloody mess is all over my upper body and I take a shower to see the extent of the damage. Shit... I won't be able to wear a t-shirt today. Long sleeves then, though it's quite warm outside. Maybe it's cooler in his appartement.
Adrien invited me to a movie night, which is the reason for my temporary freak out. That’s unfair, though. My ex is the reason, his loud voice in my head.
“DON’T BE RIDICULOUS. YOU CAN’T GO BACK THERE. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME. HE REJECTED YOU, HE DIDN’T WANT YOU THEN, WHY SHOULD HE WANT YOU TODAY.”
No, he protected me, he protected me.
"DID HE TRY TO KISS YOU AGAIN? DID HE TRY TO TOUCH YOU LIKE THAT AGAIN?”
No, he didn't, but...
"NO, BUT! HE DOESN’T WANT YOU, BUT YOU’RE PATHETIC ENOUGH TO STILL HOPE FOR SOMETHING YOU WILL NEVER HAVE. NEVER!”
The haunting laughter in my head wouldn’t stop and I started to feel numb. When I felt the first drops of blood on my fingers, I couldn't stop myself. I needed that short-lived rush of lightness. Now there’s only shame left...
***
It's a strange feeling to come back to Adrien's apartment and I think he feels it too. Before we can get lost in an awkward silence, he takes me straight to his sofa.
“Do you want a drink?” He nervously wipes his hands dry on his thighs, over and over again, and as stupid as it sounds, it relaxes me.
“What do you have?”
“Beer, Coke, OJ, I can make you a gin and tonic if you like.” A shy smile lights up his face just for a second, and so easy to miss. Fuck, he's such a handsome man…
“Do that again!”
Confused, Adrien raises his eyebrows. “Uh... what?”
“Smile. You’re so beautiful when you smile.”
The corners of Adrien's mouth pull up into a grin. “That’s what you want?”
I sink into his bright gray eyes and just nod – smiling, too. I was so anxious before I came here, but I should have known better. Because it's always the same, Adrien calmes me. When I’m with him it’s like the volume of this voice in my head gets lower and lower and sometimes I can’t hear it at all. I flip my ex an imaginary bird, feeling childishly delightful.
