"My view is fantastic." Grinning, my gaze wanders up and down his body and Philipp turns bright red. Compliments are difficult, still.
"Is that so?"
"Yes, but you're welcome to try and show me something better."
"Okay, come on then." Smiling shyly, he pulls on our intertwined hands. We walk uphill through vineyards and leave the people behind us. Our destination is a small chapel on a hill above the town.
"Wow... that's amazing!" The view is breathtaking. We can see over the city and seemingly endlessly across the Kinzig valley to the Rhine plain and... "Are those the Vosges mountains back there?"
Philipp nods with a smile. "And you see that spire up ahead? That's Strasbourg Cathedral."
"Seriously?"
"Yes, but you can't always see it so clearly. We're just incredibly lucky with the weather today."
Suddenly his facial expression changes, the soft lines become harder, a small crease forms between his eyebrows. "I love this place, I was up here a lot as a child. Thank you for being here with me."
I take him in my arms from behind and rest my head on his shoulder. "Thank you for taking me here."
Philipp leans his head against mine very carefully. "Why are you so patient with me?"
The question is easier to answer than he might think. "Because you're worth it. Every second."
"It's so complicated in my head... what if... what if it doesn't get better... what if I never... you know?"
I kiss him gently on the forehead. I know the thoughts, I have them sometimes too. "Look how far we've come already. Standing here like this would have been unthinkable four months ago. And if you have to stop at some point, that's okay too. A relationship is so much more than sex."
"My ex would disagree with you..." You can't miss the bitterness in Philipp's words. I've already learned a bit about his ex – that their relationship was so difficult and screwed up his views on intimacy and tenderness. But I'm sure that everything I know so far is just the tip of the iceberg.
"Can I ask you something? What happened when you were with me for the first time? I honestly still don't understand what went down... what did I do wrong?"
Chapter 33
Philipp
Nothing. Nothing at all. On the contrary. "You didn't do anything wrong. If either of us did anything wrong at all, it was me." Adrien's arms around my chest hold me a little tighter, but I can still breathe, and I lean in.
"No, what makes you think that?" It still takes my breath away when he asks me about something; about my opinion or how I'm doing. But by now I know that he really wants an answer, that he's listening to me, that it's important to him to know things about me. No matter how small and unimportant they may be. And I manage to pushhisvoice into the background, to stop listening all the time.
"Because I allowed my ex to turn me into what I am today..."
"And what are you?" Adrien is still holding me tightly to his chest.
"A relationship wreck? Too afraid of doing something wrong to form a deeper connection?"
Another gentle kiss on my temple. "That's not true, you just need a little more time. And you can't do anything wrong. There's no predetermined right or wrong in a relationship. There's only right or wrong for us."
"My ex would disagree with you..." Startled, I press my hand over my mouth.
"DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME? I TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. ALL THAT COMES OUT IS SHIT! YOU REALIZED THAT YOURSELF, DIDN'T YOU?"
Adrien gently strokes my hand, intertwining our fingers. Then he guides my hand downwards with his, coming to rest on my chest.
"Why? What do you mean?"
I'm allowed to answer, I'm allowed to say how it really was. "With my ex there were... fixed rules... how I had to function. What he wanted and what I had to do when he did one thing or another..."
I squeeze my eyes shut tightly. It's hard to say it out loud. I feel so stupid. "Hand under the shirt meantdrop your pants and turn around, I want to... fuck..."
