Chapter 29
Philipp
"You're welcome." I can't believe it. He says that he likes the date, that he likes my food, that I spoil him. I haven't heard any of this even once - directed at me.
The voice in my head is surprisingly quiet today. Quiet, but still there. I can still hear it clearly and, as always, it unsettles me.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOU WANT TO GO FOR A WALK? IT’S FUCKING COLD! TEA? YOU SERIOUS? GIVE ME SOME COFFEE, BUT NOT THIS SHIT! YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ALLOWED NEAR AN OVEN. TOTALLY BURNT! NOBODY WANTS TO EAT THAT CRAP!"
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. But as always with Adrien, nothing happens. He says I'm spoiling him. That's good, right?
In three and a half years with my ex, I heard almost every day that I can't do anything right in our relationship, that I didn't care enough, didn't pay attention to what he wanted and was absolutely useless.
Except for sex. Just the thought of sex hurts physically and I feel everything tighten up inside me.
"Hey, where did you just disappear to in your thoughts?" A knee gently nudges mine and I flinch, startled.
Adrien. Quiet, gentle words. Questions, no accusations. Light touches, not a firm grip. My eyes search his and his gaze is soft, questioning, never demanding.
"Shall we walk?" I haven't answered his first question and yet he drops it because he just understands how hard it is for me to answer it. I can't tell him what's going on in my head, what's happened to me, or can I? What would happen if he knew?
"If it's too cold for you, we can just walk the short loop." I try to create a way out for him. Away from me... just in case... He doesn't have to struggle with me...
"No way! Now I'm warm again, look!" Two large, warm hands cradle my face, very carefully. "And I've had some delicious food too, I'm perfectly happy."
"Okay... let's pack up then." I'm just about to close the Tupperware with the puff pastry buns when fingers slip under the lid.
"Stop! I want another one! No, stop! Two!" Grinning, Adrien shoves one into his mouth rolling his eyes with pleasure. It's so outrageously cute, I can't help smiling back.
***
"Do it."
"What?"
"Balancing. I can see how you're looking at the logs." Adrien is right, I’d like to balance. There is a small course on the path in front of us. Thin tree trunks lie along, about 50 cm above the ground, with single tree stumps in between, connecting the trunks so that you never need to touch the ground. I really want to do this.
"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, THAT'S ONLY FOR KIDS! YOU'RE ACTING LIKE YOU'RE FIVE! COULD YOU GET ANY MORE EMBARRASSING?"
I quickly shake my head. "No, that's okay. It's for kids actually."
"So what? Even if it is, there's no one around who could snitch on us and I won't tell anyone, I promise." Grinning mischievously, he winks at me and stops in front of the first tree trunk with his hand outstretched.
My legs are tingling with excitement, can I really...?
"Don't think so much and give me your hand." Adrien smiles at me encouragingly. "Come on."
Fuck it. I take a deep breath and put my hand in his.
Sixteen years of dancing are paying off. I think I look relatively elegant up there and I'm not making a complete fool of myself.
"I think that's too easy for you. You're not even wiggling yet." And with these words, he gives my hand a quick tug, the hand he’s still holding.
"Hey, what are you doing?" I grip tightly to stabilize myself, but I can feel the light laughter resonating in my voice. I haven't heard that for so long. Not like that.
"We have to increase the level of difficulty, it's too boring otherwise. Oh no! An earthquake is shaking the ground!" He pulls his hand back and forth in different directions.
"Ah! No! I'm about to fall!" But my protest is only half serious. I’m laughing so hard I can feel it in my stomach and it feels good. So good. Easy. So fucking easy.
