“I got that,” he stated flatly.
“But we can talk. Ignore my boner,” I said, and he scoffed, finally looking a tiny bit amused as he braced his palms on my chest, rolling off me to lay on his back next to me. “It’ll go away,” I promised.
“Look, are you sure you want to talk about this?” He asked, and I realized how incredibly nervous he suddenly looked. “It’s not, like, cute or anything. Seriously, Caelyx.”
“That’s okay,” I said, shifting onto my side and wriggling down further on the bedspread so our faces were aligned. “I want to know.” I reached out to where one of his palms was resting on his chest, and laced my fingers between his. “Be sweet for me, Cupcake.”
I waited, quietly and patiently, scooting closer so I could nuzzle into his shoulder. Ineededto know. Needed him to bethe one to explain it. Not only for my pride and ego, or the acknowledgment that I meant more to him.
Having him be the one to say it, to admit it to me, meant it wasn’t something he was ashamed of, a problem he wanted to rid himself of. It meant that even though rightnowhe wouldn’t kiss me or call me his boyfriend, it wasn’t out of the question. I was important to him, not just a convenient, circumstantial hookup he liked hanging out with when we weren’t working or in class. Our relationship was important to him. It meant something.
I felt the light, quick pressure of his hand squeezing mine before he took a deep breath.
And he started talking.
ASPEN
I COULDN’T BELIEVEwe were actually going to talk about this. It was a thought I’d stubbornly pushed away again and again, convinced that Caelyx wouldn’t find out that all my hookups before him had been completely different. But I’d been dumb and naive for that. Of course he would find out eventually. We knew the same people. We’dfuckedthe same people.
It was one thing for him to find out he was the only one I’d let do… basically anything to me. But for him to be so damn happy about it, humping me like an overexcited puppy and begging me to explain why… I wanted to sink through the floor and die.
But this was Caelyx. I trusted him. Even if it was something I didn’t want to say out loud or even dwell on in my head… He’d become the person in my life that I could open up to, and whine about my stupid problems to. And he wouldn’t judge me or make me feel like an idiot for it. He was a spoiled and somewhat clueless nepo baby, but the more I’d gotten to know him, I was forced to admit he was a lot more than that.
I’d never realized how much I wanted a guy to like me for me, as a whole being, and not just some or most of the traits and labels that made me up. I didn’t want a guy whodidn’t mindthat I was trans, or liked me despite the fact that I could be emotionally and physically distant. But until I’d given Caelyx a chance, I hadn’t even known someone could be so into me. So shamelessly and somewhat pitifully obsessed with me. Every part of me.
I didn’t think I could go back to how it’d been before him. He’d ruined me for anyone else. I understood that fully now. If he decided he’d had his fun with me and wanted to waltz back into the Vane family mansion and pick up where he’d left off… I was fucked. Royally, heart-achingly fucked.
So even though all my instincts were screaming at me to deflect, I couldn’t afford to keep my feelings inside and push him away. And I knew everything I had to say would thrill him, and he’d probably cream his boxers and nuzzle all over me and say all that embarrassing, sappy shit that he had absolutely no reservations about expressing, so I had no real reason to be nervous. Except that I hated the idea of forcing him to consider how awkward my sex life had been up until I’d allowed him to start openly worshiping me.
“So… Just so you know, it’s not that I neverwantedto do other stuff before you,” I started, the sound of my own voice in my ears making me want to cringe. “I thought about it sometimes, with other guys. But then… I would always change my mind.”
“How come?” He asked. That voice he always shifted into, the soft and gentle one that made my stomach unclench and my jaw relax, poured into my ears and dripped down my body like warm honey. He was so good at calming me down and making me feel like there was nothing for me to freak out over.
“Have you ever been, like… About to fuck, but before you can unbutton your pants they hand you a mandatory questionnaire? And then you turn it over, and realize there’s an essay portion to fill out, too?”
He blinked at me in confusion, before a small huff of laughter tumbled out.
“Uh, no?”
“That’s what it’s like for me. Every time. Except with you.”
He blinked again, shaking his head. “I don’t…”
Taking in a deep breath and then letting it out between my teeth, I sat up so my back was against the wall and I could pull my knees up to my chest and stare in some other direction instead of into his clear sky eyes.
“Every time I go to hook up with someone for the first time, they have all these questions.What should I call this part of you? Where can I touch you? What parts of your body are off limits? Would it make you uncomfortable if I did this? What about if I did that?” I rattled off some of the questions I’d been asked, irritation prickling me all over at the memories.
His brows drew together, his mouth turning down in a little frown, like he’d never even considered any of the stuff I was saying. And he probably hadn’t. To him, I wasn’t a novelty or experiment. I was just… Aspen. Or Cupcake. Mostly Cupcake. That part wasn’t relevant right now.
“I guess I just thought if I said the wrong thing or did something you didn’t like that you’d stop me or correct me,” he said. “I mean, you’ve never exactly been shy about telling me to fuck off, so…”
I snorted, nodding a bit. Of course I would have. And he’d known that I would because despite my best efforts to push him away for basically the entire first year we’d known each other… He understood me.
“And I know it’s wrong for me to be annoyed, because they’re just doing what they think is safest,” I went on. “They want to make sure they’re not making me uncomfortable, or dysphoric, or whatever. I get that. And… Maybe it’s weird for them too because my body is something they’ve never seen or aren’t familiar with so it’s normal for them to be curious or make sure they’re doing everything right, but…” I trailed off, realizing how much I’d actually said.
“It’s okay,” he murmured, reaching out to rub a hand over my leg.
“It…” I took another deep breath and said the thing I’d never told anyone before. “It makes me feel like a freak.”
