Definitely.
THAT EVENING, Isettled on the couch for a movie with Mom, a romantic comedy she’d been waiting to watch with me. I’d been there for hours already, and nothing seemed amiss. There were cans of beer in the fridge that shouldn’t have been there, and a half-full bottle of Crown Royal that she liked to mix with Coke sometimes in the cabinet, but none of that was out of the ordinary. I hoped that just meant that she really had just been having a bad night, and that she wasn’t slipping and getting worse being alone all the time.
She stood at the microwave, a bag of popcorn rotating inside, carefully waited for the perfect gap between pops before yanking it out and dumping it into a bowl. Joining me on the couch she let out a happy sigh, rubbing her hand over my arm.
We’d already gone through the seemingly required comments about how different I was starting to look, and how surprised she was by how I was turning out. I knew she didn’t mean anything by it. She’d supported me when I’d come out as trans, even if she still didn’t always know exactly what to say about it. But I knew she’d felt guilty about not being able to help me financially with my hormones and top surgery, especiallybecause her part time job didn’t even offer health insurance for her, let alone to benefit me in any way.
It was alright, I’d never blamed her. But that was the other thing I hadn’t admitted to Caelyx when he’d asked why I had to work so much. Not only did I have to help my mom with her bills and rent, but I had to make sure I could afford my hormones, too. The thought of going off them now, after I was finally starting to like what I was seeing in the mirror, felt devastating to me. I’d been lucky enough to have my application approved by a charity who helped fund gender affirming care procedures for low income trans people, so I’d gotten my chest done shortly after turning 18. Without that, I’d still have been begrudgingly squishing into a binder every day.
But I didn’t expect Caelyx to understand any of that, it wasn’t his problem to deal with. And I could handle my own problems.
“Oh boy,” she commented, part way through the movie when a punk character was introduced, complete with tattoos and piercings and a leather jacket. “I bet that’s the kind of guy you’d go for, huh?” She teased, and an image of Caelyx’s virgin, unmarred skin, along with his preppy designer fashions briefly flashed into my mind before I scoffed and gave her arm a light, playful shove.
“I told you I don’t have time for dating or anything right now,” I reminded her.
“I know, I know,” she said, giving me a sweet grin, her long ponytail swishing a bit as she shook her head. “You’re too busy being clever and responsible.”
I wasn’t sure how clever and responsible I’d been as of late, giving my coworker a semi-public blow job in our work parking lot, but I only nodded. I was doing great in all my classes, and for once in my life I could almost start to feel optimistic about the future. The only thing that worried me was that I wouldn’t be able to afford help for her fast enough, before something…Permanently bad happened. Like always, I couldn’t bring myself to think about it, so I brought her attention back to the movie by pointing out the hot male lead, an A-list Hollywood actor I knew she had a major crush on.
When she was giggling next to me on the couch and hugging me to her side, it was easier to forget that she had this thing wrong with her, this addiction that she couldn’t escape no matter how hard she wanted to. I’d lain awake too many nights listening to her throw up, and dealing with her hangovers the next day. I knew how miserable it made her, but even despite that, she couldn’t quit without help.
She just had to hang on long enough for me to figure something out.
We spent the night watching more movies and snacking on junk food, until we were both exhausted and ready for bed. She retreated to her room, and I went to mine.
On my side, I stared at my texts with Caelyx. It was late, but not too late. He was probably still up. He had a bad habit of staying up on weekends to reclaim a little of the free time we missed out on during the week with all our assignments. I had that habit, too.
As I contemplated whether or not it would be pathetic for me to send a message first, a text from him came through.
I hope you didn’t go to bed without telling me goodnight, Cupcake.
I felt my mouth stretch into a grin, which I automatically tried to prevent. Luckily, no one could see me in the haven of my bedroom.
I’m not asleep yet. I’m just in bed.
That’s hot. I wish I was there with you,he responded and I could only scoff at the idea of Caelyx fucking Vane in my tiny childhood bedroom in the dingy trailer I’d grown up in. He’d probably never stepped foot inside a trailer park, let alonecrawled into someone’s bed who lived in one.Can I ask you something?
My brows drew together, as I hoped he wouldn’t want to talk about anything serious or heavy. I didn’t think I could handle it at the moment, but I told him he could.
What’s your record?He asked.
My record for what?
How many times have you gotten off in one session?
I sighed with relief, rolling onto my back. Of course he didn’t want to put anything heavy on me after the day we’d had yesterday. He seemed to know me too well for that, somehow. Maybe all of his intelligence points had been allocated to emotional intelligence, because while he wasn’t some math genius like Ren, he had a hell of a knack for making me feel better when I was caught up in a shitty mindset.
With a guy? Two,I answered. I wasn’t going to admit that all the times I’d come twice had been with him exclusively, but phrasing it like that should have been safe enough.
That’s boring,he said.What about by yourself?
Smirking, I considered whether I wanted to be honest. He also had a hell of a knack for getting me to admit pervy stuff to him.
Three.
Okay, that’s a little bit more fun of a goal to aim for.
Snorting, I rolled my eyes as I typed out my next message.
