“Yep, like your mom.”
“It sucks,” she adds, her eyes hooded and tired suddenly. “I wish she were here to see what Flynn’s made of himself. She’d be so fucking proud, she’d lose her mind.”
“I’m sure she knows.”
Jax glances at me, and our gazes lock and hold for several seconds.
“Maybe you’re right,” she says finally and looks away, leaving my chest aching with a feeling I don’t want to name.
“Which one of your brothers is the most trouble, then?” I ask, hoping she’ll open up a little more about her home life. She goes quiet, but then she sighs heavily and sinks back into the cushions of the couch, almost disappearing completely.
“Seb and Ben are tied in that category. They’re always getting themselves into trouble. But whenever I need them, they always come through, no question. I’m lucky to have them, really. When they’re not being total shitheads.”
“And Scott?” I whisper, unable to take my eyes off her.
“Scott’s the other half of me,” she says with deep sincerity. “But he doesn’t always make good choices.” She sips her hot chocolate, frowning into the depths of it as she places it on her knee.
I have a thousand questions, wanting to delve deeper, find out what’s troubling her, and take it all away. Instead, I sip my drink, stretching out my own legs. There’s an inch between our feet now, her bright red toenails perfect against her pale skin.
“It’s not always easy being the grown-up,” I say softly as she looks up at me, raising her eyebrows.
“Relying on people starts to become impossible,” I continue. “You deal with all this chaos, becoming accustomed to the weight of it on your shoulders. After a while, asking for help stops being an option.”
She doesn’t speak, watching me, and I feel words rise up in my throat that I can’t push back down.
“Maddy has had some problems,” I confess. “She’s an addict. Started using drugs when she went to college.” I stare at a bright blue fish flitting to the top of the tank and back down again. “She OD’d on the floor of her bathroom when she was eighteen.”
Jax’s large eyes are wide as she stares at me. “Oh fuck, Gray, I’m sorry.”
“I thought my heart was going to explode when I got that call, that I would be telling our mother her baby girl was dead. But when I arrived at the hospital, Maddy was awake. She asked me to swear I would never tell anyone.”
I sigh, remembering that awful night like it was yesterday. “I said I would keep it a secret if she went to rehab. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.”
“Did you ever tell your family?” she whispers, her voice quiet and serious.
“No one knows except Lola. The third time Maddy got sick, I broke down, unable to cope with the pressure any longer. Lola took some of that burden from me without question. She started taking Maddy to the meetings every week to try to help, and thankfully, I had enough money to get her the support she needed. She didn’t deal with my dad’s death like the rest of us.It broke something in her, and she’s never really been the same since.”
Why did I tell her all of that?
“Is she doing better now?”
“Way better. She’s five hundred and thirty-six days clean.”
There’s a pause as Jax sips her drink, a little smile flitting over her face. “They’re lucky to have you,” she says solemnly.
“And your brothers are lucky to have you,” I say.
We raise our mugs, saluting each other as she finishes hers, and I lean forward, putting mine down.
“I should go.”
My head whips around as she rises from her chair, fussing with the belt of her robe.
“Why don’t you just stay? It’s late.”
She swallows, but eventually shakes her head. “No. Thanks for the offer, but I should get back.”
The disappointment I feel is all-consuming for a moment, and I watch her go collect her clothes, feeling stricken.
