Because I no longer envied anything about her, and I saw her for who she was. A star desperately trying to hold onto relevancy, a woman who didn’t even care that she was ruining her own children’s directorial debut.
“It’s not a competition,” I said. “Because that would imply there’s some sort of doubt about the outcome.”
“You have the voice of a little. . . milkmaid slut!” she sputtered. ”And you’re disgracing this stage with your tits. Why don’t you run along home and rut the mailman or something.”
Phee had that pointed tip at my throat and I knocked it away with a clatter just as I heard Forrest run on the stage, dressed in full black tie. Ready to rescue me, but I didn’t need it.
“Stop!” I warned him and he paused behind his ex-wife, his eyes looking agonized, glued on me.
“Why don’tyoutry to hit some of those notes you used to be able to?”
Phee’s face went scarlet with fury.
“I can hit every note I used to! It’s a lie that I cannot!”
And she threw back her head and justhadto try to hit that high C, justhadto try to outdo me with her range.
Her first note was powered with impotent rage and sounded like a pterodactyl screech, and landed well short of perfection.
Somebody in the back of the audience tittered.
“Mother, stop,” Hieronymus called out, “You’ll hurt your—”
But Phee couldn’t resist trying again and this time when she stretched for the high C her voice cracked, and she shrieked with hoarse rage.
“Why you little bitch, you tricked me into that!” she wailed, charging at me.
But before she made it, Lulabel was there from the other side, her hair curled, pink floral dress on, and her pink handbag out, walloping Phee in the stomach.
“Now I’ve had just about enough of you,” Lulabel huffed, grabbing Phee by the hair and shaking her.
Phee made a noise like a steaming kettle, clutching at her head while Lulabel dunked Phee in the fountain of blood, once, then twice, then again as she really hit her stride.
“All right,” Forrest said, plucking Phee out. “I’ve had enough of goddamn drama and hysteria to last me a lifetime. You aren’t going to ruin Birdie’s moment.”
She was drenched in blood, and he walked her out to where two police officers were waiting, motioning with his free hand for the curtains to close, and I had never been more relieved of anything in my life.
“In general I do not approve of the vulgar termass-whipping,” Percival said, “Seeing as how I am a man of peace. But in this case, Mother, I don’t think any of the saints could blame you.”
Lulabel snapped out a compact and touched up her makeup.
“Thank you, son.”
I hugged Lulabel. “You’re always looking out for me. Thank you so much.”
Forrest came up quickly, followed by Hieronymus and Paige, and his face was gray.
“Are you having a stroke?” Lulabel put in.
“Birdie, I am so so sorry. This is my fault.”
“Absolutely it is,” Lulabel put in again.
“I should have seen her insane jealousy for what it was. We had security at every entrance, but it just wasn’t enough. I will add a lawsuit to her burgeoning criminal charges.”
“Don’t bother,” I said. “I think she’s been punished enough. Her tricks wouldn’t actually have hurt anyone, you know. She’s just petty.”
“I will make sure she is escorted off,” Hieronymus said heavily.
