My heart twists inside my chest hearing him, knowing he would’ve given anything to have been out there on the field with them.
“Fine, but if you change your mind, you know where to find us.”
The call ends then, and we’re plunged right back into silence.
This is killing me. West is more than just my husband. He’s more than my rock and my safe space.
He’s my best friend.
And there’s nothing worse than knowing that the person you love most in the world is in pain and doesn’t want to let you in.
I lie still, trying to convince myself not to break the silence, especially since it feels like this is what he wants, but I can’t do this anymore.
“I think we should talk.”
He’s quiet for several seconds, and I’m not sure how to read that.
“I’m listening.”
His tone is flat and unfeeling, and I’d swear I’m lying beside a total stranger.
“I… want to know how you feel about… well…everything.You haven’t said much, and I’ve admittedly been nervous to ask.”
He inhales sharply, and I hold my breath, waiting for him to answer, waiting for him to explode.
“I feel shitty,” he grumbles, and regret sets in right away. “It feels like my entire world is on fire around me, and I can’t do shit about it. Add to it that my team doesn’t even fucking need me. They proved that tonight.”
His chest rises and falls rapidly, and I’m frozen again, reliving that feeling of not knowing whether to move left or right.
“I can understand why you might feel that way, but you’re an asset, West. You know that.Theyknow that.”
He scoffs, but falls silent right after, and I swear I can feel heat and tension permeating his skin, moving over mine.
“And I know what Dr. Graham said was scary, but—”
“Please. Just… don’t. I don’t want to rehash that shit. It’s bad enough I can’t get his words out of my head already.”
I purse my lips together. If I didn’t think it would make things worse, I’d retreat, slip out of bed to go to another room where we couldbothpretend I didn’t start this conversation.
But Ididstart it, and I can’t leave things like this.
I flip onto my side, focusing on him through the darkness. I reach toward him, but think better of it, pulling my hand back to my side of the bed.
“You’re shutting me out, and I’m not sure what to do.”
The words burn leaving my throat, and I’m grateful for the darkness. It means he can’t see the tears pooling in my eyes, racing toward my pillow.
“I’m not shutting you out, Blue, I’m just… Fuck. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore. Feels like everything I touch turns to shit, and I’m just stuck. There isn’t a single fucking thing I can control right now, not a single thing I can fix.”
He doesn’t say it out loud, but I know he means us.
He can’t fix us.
I part my lips to speak but then close them before finally getting up the nerve to say what I have to say. It’s the same thing I’ve been telling him for months now, even before his injury flung us even further off course.
“Maybe because this is too big to fix by ourselves, West.”
Silence.
